FDA-Approved medicine is for suckers. In case you hadn't heard...all-natural remedies are the wave of the future! Why go all-natural? The reasons are so simple that even uneducated people who don't believe in taking pills can understand them: Health and Happiness. Studies have shown that those who use herbal remedies are far healthier and far happier than those who use over-the-counter and prescription drugs. If you don't believe me, you need only look to the internet to find thousands upon thousands of poorly written Angelfire webpages cryptically citing studies of indeterminate origin as proof that herbal remedies are effective.
 
So since I'm such a huge proponent of haphazardly ingesting untested substances to cure illnesses I may or may not have, I've decided to make up this list of the ten best reasons to switch over to all-natural remedies.

When I was a kid I would often refer to North Dakota as "The Boring Dakota". Now that I am older (and slightly wiser) I see how wrong I really was. North Dakota couldn't possibly be the boring Dakota because both Dakotas are the boring Dakota. I feel like South Dakota is only given a pass because it has a couple of reasonably worthwhile tourist attractions. This stands in stark contrast to the zero worthwhile attractions located in North Dakota. That is, unless you consider the LaMoure Toy Farmer Museum to be a worthwhile attraction. Personally I do not.
 
Nevertheless: I am now going to attempt to sell you on a vacation to North Dakota. This is the first in a 50-Part series in which I will describe and pointlessly insult the major tourist attractions in each state. If this sounds incredibly stupid to you, don't worry. I'll probably only be able to do three or four states before I get bored and abandon this idea forever.
 
But for now, let's check some of the fantastic reasons to visit North Dakota!

This time around, a Chinese teacher stabs children with needles, illegal circumcision, and Rapid Crack Propagation in Polyethylene Pipes. Also some Polish guy eats a lottery ticket on an airplane. Oh world! You so crazy.

By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Summer is just around the bend for many of us, and with the warm weather comes the threat of deadly tornados. These twisting destructive devils of the seventh seas can level your dream home, fling your cozy trailer-shack into the air, or even kill your precious poodle Jumjugs with merely a flick of their godless wind-wrist.
 
The twistler is nature's marvel. It is to be feared, and it is to be respected. Luckily your old pal (and self-taught meteorologist) The Baron is here to help you make it through an encounter with these terrifying death tubes. Read on for 10 of my juiciest 'nader survival tips. They'll really "blow" your mind!

What the hell is wrong with you people! Stop putting clothing on your animals! It is an affront to nature, good taste, and common decency. Want proof? By god I'll give it to you.

Stories this week include (but are not limited to!) a nude man thrusting in a library, women morphing into dolphins, obscenely lowered trucks, Metallica, and the unasked-for ability to create a terrifying doll of yourself.
 
Thank you and thank you!