Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly successful but utterly joyless human being like George "The Miser" Lucas, Jay "Lowest-Common-Denominator" Leno, or Steven "I'm Seriously A Real Cop" Seagal. But if you pick something too off-the-wall like Moonshadow, Cockjob, or Bridge To Terabithia: Look out. Your kid'll get hassled so much that they'll probably end up going all cutty-cutty or shooty-shooty before they've even reached their fourteenth birthday, and that's not something any parent wants.
 
So, as with most things in life, the secret here is to find a happy medium. Choose a name that's just quirky and original enough to turn some heads, and your baby is almost assured a place within the pantheon of Happy Successful People With Cool Names like Galileo Whateverhislastnamewas, Nicholas If-Jesus-Christ-Had-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barbon, or Bobcat Goldwaith.
 
So to help you on your way, here is my exhaustive list of the Coolest Baby Names Of All Time.

I hope that you will please forgive my inability to stop posting galleries featuring hilariously bad album covers. Please know that I only continue to do this out of a deep and abiding love for the human race. Well that, and also I've also got a number of very serious mental disorders I am unsuccessfully attempting to reign in.But that isn't important right now.

The photos are the reason we're all here, so let's get started.

A collection of fascinating links, weird news stories, and other random exciting things. Brought to you by The Internet.
 
This week: Wild Sex In Strangers' Homes, Tiger Smugglers, Toddlers With Shotguns, Teabonics, Unbelievably Filthy Ancient Poems, 5 Day Traffic Jams, & A Video That Will Change Your Life Forever. (Now With More Pictures!)

Is the Q-Link Pendant some ingenious scam, or do magical mass-produced pendants with the ability to fight off diseases using invisible & unmeasurable fields actually exist? These are the sorts of questions I often find myself asking after receiving several blows to the head with an industrial-grade titanium girder. Of course I don't mean to suggest that only someone who has sustained severe damage to the frontal lobe would believe that a small chunk of plastic and metal could actually prevent or treat any disease--wait, actually maybe I do.
 
In any case, please have a look at the following article, in which I discuss the features of the Q-Link pendant in the most evenhanded, dignified, and unbiased way possible.

When people think of California, they often think of brownouts, laughably overpriced homes, women in thongs accumulating malignant melanomas on beaches, and endless lakes of fire choked with the tormented souls of the damned, whose shrieks of agony will haunt your dreams for all eternity.
 
Come to think of it, that last one might not be entirely accurate, as I haven't been to California since I was a kid. But I'm reasonably sure I remember staying at a Holiday Inn Select in the 6th Circle (kitty corner from the barbed-wire gallows) where the screams of the unbaptized babies they were flaying the skin off of kept me up until like 2AM one night. Talk about annoying.

But hey, let's go ahead and see what California has to offer tourists, shall we?

A reasonably interesting collection of fascinating links, strange news stories, and other random junk I found on the internet.

This week: Chinese Spike Benches, Public Pool Defecation, Genital-Exposing Short Shorts, Secretly Gay Husbands, Twinkies, Born Again Racists, and Pinpointing The Exact Moment Star Wars Started To Suck.

Like many people, I was, at one time, afflicted with crippling self-esteem issues. In the end, it was only through hard work, perseverance, intellectual dishonesty, and the gleeful exploitation of those less fortunate was I finally able to achieve something resembling inner-peace.
 
So seeing as I have some experience in the field, I figured I'd share with you seven amazing self-improvement tips which will almost certainly help you feel better about who you are.

Surely somewhere on this planet there must be an album cover which is so outrageous and unintentionally perverse, that if it were viewed, it would cause a tear in the very fabric of what we know as reality, causing the dimension in which we currently reside to fold in upon itself, and everything in the the known universe to simply blink out of existence.
 
Thankfully for humanity, I haven't come across this particular album cover yet. But here are 20 that come pretty close.

A decidedly nonessential collection of cool links, weird news stories, and other random things I've exhumed from the rotting corpse of the internet.
 
This week: The World's Largest Male Breasts, Blood Spatter Analysis 101, Semen Attacks, Vestigial Organs, and of course: More Grown Men In Diapers.
 

Whether they're being subjected to humorous physical abuse for failing to have your dinner ready on time, conforming to misogynistic stereotypes about driving ability, or emotionlessly drowning their infant children in the bathtub due to severe postpartum depression and psychosis, women can be a real handful!
 
But luckily the geniuses at Taipei Novelty Product Production Assembly Line #124038 have come up with THIS KOOKY GAG REMOTE for all those "guys" out there who just want to "watch the big game with their buddies" without being forced to acknowledge the existence of the "perpetually exasperated vagina-possessing nursemaid" with whom they have chosen to become emotionally attached.

One of my favorite things in the world is reading customer complaints on the internet that appear to have been posted by people who cannot read or write. So here are 10 of the best recent complaints I could find on complaintsboard, an unmoderated, racially-charged, libel choked clusterfuck masquerading "consumer advocacy" website.
 
Fair warning: As most of these complaints were posted by idiots, many of them contain sexual content, hilarious racism, or multiple instances of misspelled foul language.

A haphazard collection of cool links, weird news stories, and other random crap exhumed from the darkest corners of the internet.
 
This week: How It Feels To Die Of A Heroin Overdose, Kids Named Hitler, Undead Infants, Accidental Destruction Of Valuable Property, Traditional Turkish Choking Dances, And One Thousand Ways To Die.

I've never quite understood people who claim to get "bored". If you've got even a little bit of money, there's no end to all the pointless crap you can buy to entertain yourself, and even the working poor should seemingly be kept busy (and so be saved from boredom) by their constant struggle to survive coupled with the relatively inexpensive escape provided by to them the abuse of alcohol.
 
But, for those who still claim to "have nothing to do" I will provide this list which may or may not contain six suggestions of highly original and universally pleasurable time-killing activities I may possibly enjoy the idea of participating in from time to time.

A weekly collection of fascinating links, strange news stories, and random crap I found lying around on the internet.

This week: The Horrors Of Shrieking Children, Elderly Japanese Mummies, Stealing From The Blind, Movie Theater Violence, Inception, and Ice Cream Ice Cream Ice Cream?

Heed not the warnings of early 90s R&B groups. Waterfalls were placed on this earth by The Lord God for one reason and one reason only: To be chased.

I realize that many of you may have a strong inclination towards "sticking to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to" but what you likely fail to realize is that puttering around in large, stationary pools of liquid, or even travelling with freshwater as it runs towards an ocean can in no way match the vigorous stimulation and emotional fulfillment one can achieve from chasing a waterfall. Not even close.
 
So if you'd allow me, I'd like to go ahead and refute some of the most common arguments against chasing waterfalls at this time in the hopes of convincing you to go out an experience the joy associated with the pursuance of water which is flowing down a steep grade due to the effects of gravity along with a rapid drop in elevation.

Upon seeing a gallery such as this, the average person could be forgiven for dismissing it as nothing more than a random assemblage of stupid photos which I have slapped together in a half-assed attempt to avoid writing an actual article. In all fairness to me, this is only partially true.
 
Certainly "getting out of actually writing something" was my intention AT FIRST, but I quickly discovered how gruelling "sifting through thousands of pages of dull cosplay photos featuring androgynous Japanese preteens to find the 0.0001% of them which are sad/inventive/stupid enough to be worthy of ridicule" actually is.
 
So in the end, creating one of these stupid galleries is actually just as much (if not more) work than writing a deliberately insulting article about one of the 50 US states, so I hope you all appreciate it.

A pointless collection of interesting links, strange news stories, and other amusing garbage discovered on the internet.
 
What's happening this time around? Street Signs Causing Dwarfism, Senior Citizens Eating Dog Food, Parachuting Donkeys, Homophobic Gunmen, & What Is Probably The Worst Job Of All Time.