Sorry to rush through this everybody, but I really have to hurry and get this intro done. My colostomy bag is leaking everywhere and the servant's mouths can only hold so much. I suppose that'll teach me to cheap on my taxes.

Here's what's going on this week in news: Kids biting cops, farmers building castles, paper shredders, and Walker: Texas Ranger.

I am not gay. Meaning: I am attracted to women and not men. Recently I went to see a movie with my male cousin, who is married (to a woman), and also straight (as far as I can figure). I hadn't eaten that day, so I decided to get two orders of sickeningly overpriced nachos and a huge Dr. Pepper. All this food was to be eaten by me and me alone, partially because my cousin was smuggling his own food in, but mostly because I am selfish.
 
The intrigue came when the clerk was to hand out the straw. Apparently he had done some calculations in his head about my cousin and I, so instead of handing out a single straw, he gave us two (so we could "share", see?) We both started to laugh, and for a moment I considered calling the clerk back over and forcing him to watch while I expressed my sincere intention to engage in sexual intercourse with females while simultaneously groping the elderly woman in line behind us. But seeing as I wasn't really offended or anything, I decided against it.
 
Instead, I decided to punish the establishment itself by casually littering with the second straw in the theater at a later time. I ended up chickening out and just throwing it away, but the lesson remains clear: Don't assume that a guy has sex with other men, because he might throw garbage on the floor.
 
But anyway, here are the top five signs someone you know might be gay.
 

The clerk was screaming. Blubbering and sputtering and choking and I swung again and again and again. Blood spattered my eyes and powerful hate surged out through the red veil. I drew my arm back, the pipe gripped solidly in my fist. In my head blazed his smirk. "We're all out of Butterfinger" I heard him say again. "Did you want an Oreo Cookie one instead?" I felt the vein in my neck pulse. The world darkened, slowing.
 
Through the haze I saw the arm come down. Watched in horror as the heavy piece of lead drove itself into skull, marveling at the wet cry and spray of blood and bone as it glistened through the air. For an instant, each nodule of blood was fleck of cream. The bone fragments reformed themselves into a buttery orange chocolate-covered garnish. I slid forward, mouth open, reveling as the gooey pieces oozed into my mouth and down my throat. Time snapped back. The boy was on the floor, a dark pool spreading steadily around him.

What do you want from me, it isn't my fault that I find customer complaints inordinately hilarious. I blame bad genes.

Here are some more pointless complaints from customers which I have pointlessly posted because I am dumb.

There's a famous inspirational quote from Helen Steiner Rice that goes "Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day." I describe it as inspirational not because it makes my cold heart swell with joy at the promise of the human spirit, but rather because it inspires me to want to find Helen Steiner Rice and punch some sense into her idiot skull as punishment for spouting such meaningless nonsense. What could possess a person to actually vocalize this kind of garbage? Perhaps Syphilis rotted out her pea-sized brain out by Syphilis, we may never know. But what I do know is that I want to drive my fist into the liver-spotted face of Helen Steiner Rice.
 
Please note that I do not actually wish to punch Helen Steiner Rice in the head, nor do I actually know whether her brain was rotted out by syphilis. I do not actually even know who she is, but I'm sure she was a very nice lady. Also if you're wondering if any of this has to do with Weird News, it doesn't have anything to do with it.

As a Doctor of Math, I often have to deal with a lot of the misinformation that floats around about math. Whenever I hear a child (or even an adult) make a claim like "Math is boring" or "It's pointless to learn math" I just have to cringe. I then also have to take the time out of my busy schedule to set the misinformed wretch straight, which I also do not appreciate. But what else am I to do? Am I to allow the good name of mathematics to be casually shat upon without lifting a finger? Certainly not.
 
So, to set the record straight once and for all, I recently invited members of the public to send me any pressing questions or concerns they had about math. This way I could publish the most common questions (along with my answers), and in doing so ensure that the absolute beauty (and usefulness!) of mathematics could be revealed to as many people as possible.
 
So, without further ado: Math!

By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Alright kids and teens, here's a little math problem for you: Every day 1 million of people die from doing a drug. half of the population on the earth is children. have you figured out the answer? That's right: Half a million kids die every day because of drugs. Still say smoking on a stick of Mary Jane is "cool"? I thought not.
 
But even after hearing this shocking stat, some of you might still assume it's OK to take "just one" suck of dope. That it's fine to drink "just one" cup of LSD. A few of you might even believe it's "alright" to just eat "just one" piece of cocaine. But the path to drug addiction is steep as a dragon's brow. Take just one step on it and suddenly you've bought yourself a one-way ticket to losersvilles. One day you're captain of the football group and the next you're on a street corner selling your football champion trophy to buy more meth pills.