5 Smells They Should Probably Make Into Candles

candleGotta tell you: Not a big fan of the whole scented candle thing. Never have been. The problem is that these scents they choose for the candles are just so uninteresting. Like, I'm looking at the website for Yankee Candle right now. Look at these "top-selling" scents: Fresh Cut Roses? Tropical Fruit? Lilac Blossoms? Booo-ring! You might as well just crawl into your casket right now if you think those are interesting, because brother: You're already dead.

Then, look here, they have Beach Vacation AND Beach Walk. What the hell is the difference!? What, beach Vacation just smells like plain beach, and then for Beach Walk they include the smells of all the soiled condoms and discarded syringes you find washed up on most beaches? Awesome.
But anyway, these scented candle makers really need to get more creative or they are going to go out of business. Luckily I've decided to help them out by compiling this list of the candle scents I'd most (and least) like to see.


Gas CanI don't know about you, but I'm from America, and here, everybody loves the smell of fresh gas. And why wouldn't they? The scent of gas is the scent of freedom. The freedom to do whatever you want. Want to drive a hundred miles an hour down a residential street? You can do it if you want to. Molest a kid? Go right ahead, you're an American. Fire a semiautomatic weapon into a crowd of protesters for no apparent reason at all? Why not? These actions are your right as a citizen who has purchased gasoline for an engine.
So that's why I'm petitioning for a gasoline scented candle: So people from all countries (and not just American citizens) can experience the noxious aroma of combustible carcinogens filling their nasal cavity and reminding them that they are free.

Air Conditioner

ACGo on, stick your face right in the vent and smell it. Smell it. Smell it! SMELL IT DAMN YOU! Oh yeeaah...you like that don't you? You love it. That's how you get your sick kicks, isn't it, you sick son of a bitch. It's how you get your jollies. Go on, smell it some more, you know you want to. Do it. Come on. Do it. DO IT! Mmmm...there...isn't that better? You just can't get enough can you? You're insatiable. Now get out of my sight.
(So even though I don't encourage this sort of thing, I think air conditioner scented candles would probably be a pretty good seller.)

Dank Basement

BasementYou know what I mean, it's the smell you get when you first walk down the stairs into a dark basement in the summer. That's the smell of dank. That's the smell of mold and mildew clinging to the concrete blocks. Sometimes I go down there just to have a few lungfulls.

Sure, inhaling a bunch of shit like that is probably gonna give me lung polyps in about 30 years (or at the very least least bronchitis) but I still say it does my old soul well to head down into a basement and have a few puffs of that subterranean dwarf air.

Old Book

Old BookYes, I know they already sell book scented candles. But the ones they sell aren't right. They smell like NEW books. Fuck those books; that isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that smell you get from some ancient book you get from the public library. Like some Wizard of Oz book from 1905 or something. Musty old pages and sort of a hint of some old lady's far-too-flowery perfume.

The kind that if you smelled it on some woman as she whisked by you in the grocery store you'd cough and choke, but for some reason when you smell it in a book it makes you go: "Mmmm...smells like dead grandmothers."

Freshly Opened Tennis Balls

TennisTo me, the smell of fresh tennis balls a guilty pleasure. First of all, I hate tennis, so it isn't like smelling it conjures up lovely memories of me prancing around my high-school tennis court in tiny white shorts or anything. The only memories I have of tennis playing in that era are "accidentally" hitting the ball as hard as I could so it goes flying off into the thick brambles and bushes in the ditch by the road so I can go pretend to be looking for it for 10 glorious non-tennis-playing minutes and get poison oak in my eyes but obviously I don't care because shit at least I didn't have to play fucking tennis. Some to think of it, those are actually some pretty good memories after all. Try to make me play tennis, will you? I showed em. The bastards.
 But about the tennis balls, they smell exactly like what they are: Rubber covered in cheap fuzz. They smell sort of nasty but I just can't stop sniffing. Sort of like when you dig something out of your bellybutton and you can't stop smelling your finger even though it makes you gag. Not that I've ever done that. It's just what I heard some people do.

So I hope that's given all you scented candle manufacturers out there some idea of what I'm looking for. I'll expect all of these scents to come out sometime in the near future. If you could just email me and let me know once you've released them, that would be super. Thanks.
Oh, and all you scented candle aficionados out there: Be sure and check back soon because next I'll be going over a list of all the scents I DON'T want to see. So if your life is empty enough that something like that seems even  remotely interesting, stay tuned.