7 Tips For Surviving Police Encounters

 Cops
By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
America's police force is said to be the greatest in the world. However, this does not mean it is perfect. Far from it, actually. The biggest problem we have here is nosy cops. I tell you, these smokeys (slang for police officer) just won't let up! I can't count the number of times I, or some of my friends have been harassed for no reason at all by the police.
 
In one such instance me and my pal Trevvor had just gotten done at Dragon-Con and were heading back to the hotel. We were still in our costumes. I had gone as the grand black Dragon Kenshin (my spirit namesake), he as the dragon tamer Ulysses. Suddenly out of nowhere a police cruiser pulled up and began barging us with questions. "Who are you?" "What are you doing?" "Why are you wearing dragon suit?" Suddenly I felt the great soul of my spirit dragon anger welling from within me. I could not control it. I began shouting elder curses in dragonith whilst bearing my gold-capped fangs (custom made, natch) at them. Needless to say, they backed off, but if I wouldn't have had Kenshin's spirit to protect me who knows what might've happened. But since most of you aren't fortunate enough to have the spirit of a powerful dragon living within you, I've written this guide to teach you how to show the police who's boss.
 
 

1. Don't Be Pushed Around

FightThis is a great general rule for us to start with. Cops, by nature, are pushy as all get-out. This is the way they are trained in police school: To be vicious, heartless killers who won't take no for an answer. They will sooner trample on your rights like wolly's mammoth than to even tell you what time it is if you ask them.
 
In fact, I wouldn't even ask a cop what time it is. It's likely they would invoke "reasonable suspicion" (aka I can do whatever I want cause I'm a cop) to strip you down to your skinnies and give you the rubber glove treatment. It's a scary thing. So yes, you must be tough when confronting the police if you hope to come out with your dignity (and freedom) intact. Whether it's on a seemingly "routine" traffic stop or if you're a a suspect in a littering: Be aggressive, sensual, and assertive.
 
 

2. Remind the Officer You Pay his Salary

It's the truth, and oftentimes police tend to "conveniently" forget this. Essentially, this means you are his boss. And not just him either, but every cop strutting the beat. Sometimes reminding them of this can even be helpful to the officer himself. I remember once telling a cop this as he had pulled me over for "speeding" and it caused him to stop and consider what I had just said. He paused for a moment thoughtfully, and finally shook his head and said "You know what, I actually never thought about it that way, you're right!" He let me off with just a warning. That, ladies and gentleman, is real power.
 
The bottom line, then, is this: Would a boss show his ID to an employee if asked? Would a boss allow an employee to pat down his legs and crotch for a weapon? As Grimli the dwarf would say: Not bloody likely! That's called sexual harassment, and you DON'T have to take it!
 
 

3. Know Your Miranda's Rights

The Carl Miranda rights are a list of important laws and statements that the president has decreed a police officer must read to every suspect before they are arrested. It is good to know these rights, because sometimes the officer messes them up, which means you can call him out on it and go scotts free. Here is a list of the rights (from memory, natch!).  
 
 
Stern Cop1. You have the rights to remain silent. Anything you say from this point will be in the court of law. This right is guaranteed to you and protected by the states attorney's office.
 
2. If you are injured say so at this time and I will bandage your wounds. Those in need of food I shall feed you. If you are mentally afraid say so at this time and I will administer a calming technique.
 
3. If you cannot afford a meaningful attorney one will be afforded to you at no personal risk to yourself. Those who can afford a meaningful attorney will be expected to purchase one now, or forever uphold their peace while defending him or herself to the best of his ability in the court of law.
 
4. In accordance with the laws of our land: You (or someone who has been elected as your representative party) may decide to terminate this interview at any time.
 
5. Do you understand these rights that I am giving to you? Do you? Shake your head if you believe in these rights.
 
 

Eyes4. Undress the Officer With Your Eyes

You'll often hear this advice given to public speakers, and boy does it work wonders. By imagining a cop all nuded, you've taken away all of his or her power. It might sound sexy to think of a naked man wearing only a cop hat and utility belt rubbing your inner thigh, but this really isn't the way most policework is done. Just remember: Nudity signified weakness.
 
And if the officer happens to be female: Bonus! Time to make a little deposit in the spanks bank! Am I right fellas?
 
 

5. Use "I Feel" Statements

Human feelings are like the heads and tails of a coin. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. When in a confrontation with the fuzz, miscommunication (not saying things in the good fashion) are said to be the cause of 99% of all arrests. So when speaking to an officer, establish your dominance by being the bigger man and sharing your feelings. Here are some examples.
 
  • "I feel embarrassed when you ask me if the crushed white powder strewn about my floormats is crack cocaine."
  • "I feel hurt and disappointed when you ran my plates and came up with fourteen outstanding warrants for various offenses, including, but not limited too, Felony Child Neglect and Battery On A Person Over the age of 65. I thought out relationship was built on trust."
  • "I resent it when your flirting with the woman you just stopped for jaywalking keeps you from having time to focus on the Speeding in a School Zone ticket are supposed to be writing out for me. My feelings are important too. "
 
Knowing how to use these statements properly can go a long way in ensuring you get the respect you deserve from an officer.
 
 
 

6. The Five Questions

Kiss10What many citizens do not realize is that you are LEGALLY ALLOWED to ask 5 very specific questions to police before they are allowed to put you in handcuffs and officially arrest you. They are as follows:
 
1. What is your full Christian name?
2. What is your badge number or social security number?
3. Which local precinct are you affiliated with? (if they answer with anything but the city you currently live in, you are out of their jurisdiction and are free to go)
4. Is there a crime which has been committed, and if so, what is this crime?
5. Have you no respect for the common man?
 
If the officer refuses to answer even ONE of these questions (or answers incorrectly), they have violated your rights (not to mention the constitution of the America) and the arrest is illegal. They will most likely arrest you anyway (being that they are crooked), but there is nothing you can do aside from escape (which I will cover in a moment). For now I suggest you keep a small notepad with you, and mark and record each of the times the officer violates you.
 
Once you arrive at the county jail you should immediately ask to speak with the district attorney. Again, they are LEGALLY BOUND to transfer your call directly to him. If they do not do so, note the time of their refusal in your notepad as well. Once you go to trial, all you will need to do is walk up and show the pad to the judge and vocalize your intent to sue the government for committing a hate crime against you. 9 out of 10 times you will be released right then and there. Ladies and gentlemen: That's the power of knowledge.
 
 

7 Properly Resisting Arrest

If all these tips fail, you will probably be arrested. But this is not the end of the world. You may still resist. Many people believe that resisting arrest is a crime. This could not be more false! I dare you to find in any legal dictionary or other book of law where resisting arrest is described as a crime. You can't, because it isn't there. Stop making up lies. Resisting is not only legal, it is also a citizen's most important right. But of course you must also realize that there are rules to lawful resisting. You must resist properly!
 

Announce Your Intent to Resist

Resist ArrestOne of the most important things to do when you are being attacked by police or placed in a handcuff is to announce your resistance in loud, clear tones. Shouting something like "I'm Resisting! I'm Resisting! I'm Resisting!" while they wrestle you to the ground is a good enough way to let your assaulters (the police) know that you recognize your right to resist as an American.
 

Ignore Their Pleas

Officers will also often begin screaming back at you to "stop resisting." Ignore this. You never have to do what an officer says, and this is yet another little trick the cops use to try to get you to give up your human rights. When being placed under arrest for a crime you do not believe you have committed, don't be afraid to bite, punch, kick, stroke, or spit in the face of police to let them know they can't push you around.
 
Many cops are also sick cowards, and will use pepper spray or tazers on you for kicks. There isn't much you can do at this point to avoid being hurt, but at least you'' have won a moral victory (by forcing them to resort to violence).
 

Above All: KEEP QUIET!

Plenty of cops are going to try to get you to admit to a crime before they get you before a judge. Do not give them the satisfaction. They will often lie to to you and make it seem like refusing to answer their questions is a crime. It is not. The only information you are obliged to give an arresting officer is your name, banking address of P.O. Box, telephone number, zip code, and a place of business where your next of kin can be reached. Any other questions should be answered only with the phrase "Lawyer Me. Simply repeat this until you arrive at the jail front desk, at which point you may speak freely (information given to a corrections officer is protected by free speech and not legally allowed to be used in court.)

 
 

I thank you all for joining me on this journey though the complex inner workings of the legal system. If you have any further need for legal advice, don't despair. If my cards fold right I will soon be starting up my own legal advice column on this very site. So keep your periscope tuned on here!
 
But until that time, uphold your right!
 
Clown

 
 
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