KIDZ KORNER: FIRE SAFETY TIPS FOR UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BASTARDS

Fire Safety

 

Burglar. Chrome. Governor. Dispassionate. Leathery. Crouching. Molybdenum. Horatio. Turtleneck. What do these words have in common? You guessed it: None of them would ever be used to describe the aftermath of a devastating fire. Another thing you don't often hear after a fire is "Boy, that small child was sure a big help during the fire. It's a good thing they were properly educated in the art of fire safety."

This is not to say that children are worthless during a fire. Obviously their unconscious forms can be stacked against walls to facilitate access to otherwise unreachable portals of egress, and certainly fastening a number of the pudgier kids around your waist before you leap from a dangerous height would greatly improve your chances of surviving impact, but this isn't I'm talking about. This article is meant educate kids about how they can make themselves useful before they black-out, not after.

Now by this point you may be saying, "You talk a big game old man, but why don't you put your money where your fat mouth is and tell me exactly what I, the average non-firefighting child, can actually do to survive a fire?". A fair question, to be sure, but I'm not sure why you needed to phrase it so rudely. Honestly. I'm only trying to help here.

In fact, you know what? I'm not even sure a kid like you deserves quality fire safety tips. Why should I waste my time educating angry, spiteful little shits? Tell you what: Since you obviously aren't interested in my actual fire safety tips, I'll create a list of fire safety tips especially for undeserving, mouthy children who don't respect their elders.

This should teach you.

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DIsrespectful Review: Fireball Island

Fireball Island Box

 

When it comes to toys, children have ridiculously low standards. A kid will play with anything. If you don't believe me, pick up any random object (a sheet of paper, a handful of broken glass, a bunch of loose change clumped together because someone spilled syrup or something in the cup holder) and hand it to a two-year-old. Chances are they'll begin playing with it, and good many of them will probably try to eat it too. That's how openminded kids are; when it comes to potential toys, everything gets a fair shake.

Alas, the same cannot be said of adults. As humans age, we develop "tastes" and the ability impose "value judgments" upon "objects" people "hand to us". For example: If you were to offer a full-grown woman a bucket filled with antifreeze and say "Drink this, it's antifreeze", she would almost certainly refuse. Not so with a child. In fact, a recent survey conducted by the Pew Research Center found that a full 100% of children surveyed happily drank antifreeze out of a bucket. So yeah...uh...kids...and..uhh...

Dammit, I blew it. This segue is the worst. There's no way I can make it work now. I guess I'll just have to start the article manually. Hold on a sec, let me find the thing here. Alright, got it. Let's see if this works.

 

ENGLISH AMERICA LEARNING GUIDE FOR TEACH THE COMPUTER

Computer Learning

 

Greeting to student staff and business professional. So many of you are here today. Woah! I am welcoming you to class of Beginning Computing. Object of class is learn use of microchip computer for twenty century workplace.

We all know of microprocessor computer, but do we know each part and piece that make it function? No. Of course, no. Why even learn such foolishness? Here is reason: Today, computer is much importance at all job. You work at school? You work at police? You work at petrol station? All these are putting the entry into computer.
 
So yes, learning computer is no joke. So let's come together with me...and we learn the world of computers.

5 BEWILDERINGLY ELABORATE ALARM CLOCKS I ENVISIONED WHILE COMATOSE

Crossbones Alarm Clock

 

As far back as I can remember, I've always been an Idea Man. I don't mean this in a business sense, I literally mean that I am a human who possesses both an X and a Y chromosome and occasionally formulates thoughts and opinions about various things. An Idea Man.
 
For example, I was able to come up with several fairly decent ideas a few weeks ago when I placed a rusted can of quintuple-filtered spray butane to my left nostril and held the nozzle open until the room began to vibrate and shriek and indescribable colors exploded all around me and my screams became muffled as the walls pushed in and in until consciousness failed me and I knew no more.  

Upon awakening, I found myself entombed in a small chamber of pulsating, amaranthine velvet. Though I did not know it at the time, it was to be my home for the next several centuries. And although the pod was cheaply furnished and the lone bookshelf contained only a small rumpled-up stack of older Highlights magazines (in which most of the mazes and puzzles had already been completed...IN PEN), I was determined to make the best of a bad situation.

So while it is true that the endless I spent imprisoned in that were neither interesting nor eventful, I was able to spend a lot of quality time reflecting on my life, which in turn lead me to consider the human condition and eventually the very nature of existence itself. And while it is also true that none of this rumination ever resulted in anything in anything other than a drowsiness or a mild headache, I did end come up with a few pretty decent ideas for alarm clocks while I was in there.

So here are some of those.

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Reader Mail: Ghosts, Fetishes, & Groin Tactics

Reader Mail

 

It may surprise you to learn that most of the anonymous "electronic mails" I receive through this site's Contact Form are not hateful in nature. I think there are probably two reasons for this. The first is that hardly anyone actually reads what I have written. This is entirely understandable. The second is that those who dislike what I do would rather die than expend even one more metric unit of energy thinking about (or composing hatemail regarding) Whichever Garbage Article they were unfortunate enough to have just wasted several minutes of their precious life skimming. This, too, is entirely understandable.

But I will say that what my inbox lacks in hate-based mail, it more than makes up for in Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling mail. I sure do get a lot of that. Well, maybe slightly more than "a lot": Approximately 96% of the email I receive is inexplicable & vaguely troubling. And while it's possible that this is simply another, significantly less effectual form of hatemail (i.e. "I'm gonna teach this jackass a lesson by sending him an insane email!), I really don't think this is the case. Far more likely is these people are either elderly and confused, blasted out of their minds on designer narcotics, simply psychotic, or possibly even all three.

Either way, get a real kick out of responding to Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling emails, so I guess everybody wins. Well, everyone except the people who decide to read this. But if they do that, they've really got no one but themselves to blame.

Some people never learn.

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5 Sex Tips For Women Who Have Sex With Men

Sex Magazines

 

If there's one thing I've learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women's magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it's this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don't be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due to our brain's inability to properly process brand-new, mindblowingly radical concepts.

Take, for example, actor Paul Sorvino's reaction to one of his most popular films, Goodfellas. Upon attending the premier, he was shocked and unsettled by the film, and claimed to have regretted appearing in it. But with the passage of time, he came to recognize that the confusing feeling he had experienced in that theater was not hatred or disgust, but his mind being blown, and he later would later theorize that the film was so good that it had left him "in a state of shock."

So all I ask is that you think of this article as the "Goodfellas" of internet sex guides. The first time you read it, you might think your brain is saying, "This nothing but an unfocused collection of underdeveloped  ideas masquerading as a list of sex tips for women and I hope the person who wrote it dies of burns", when what you're actually thinking is "while my own intellectual failings have made it all but impossible for me to comprehend these brilliant and revolutionary sex tips, but at least I can still appreciate that the author has written about sex, because hey: Sex."

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A Casually Dismissive History of Handheld Game Consoles

Handheld Console

 

Many people have hands. Some of them use these hands to pick up and manipulate objects. The word “handheld” is used to describe feats such as these.

But take a moment to imagine a world where nothing ever became “handheld”. Couch Potatoes: Imagine that your television remote was as large as a coffee table! Retail Cashiers: There are no portable price scanners; enjoy typing the barcodes of all oversize items by hand! Bestiality Aficionados: Good luck grasping your favorite horse’s genitals! But thankfully the nightmare of “no handhelds” never came to pass.

We live a life of handhelds, and video game systems are no exception. What follows is a guide to all your favorite portable game consoles past and present. If you have any complaints, don’t forget you aren’t paying for any of this.

 

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Aggressively Unpleasant Movies You Probably Shouldn't See On A First Date

Antichrist Bodies

 

Recently, I performed an internet search for "Worst First Date Movies". I did this because, at the time, I was interested in reading a list of offensive or controversial films which might make for awkward first-date viewing. Unfortunately, none of the articles I managed to find fit this description.
 
Some were simply lists of mildly scary or violent horror films ("Don't take your date to see Chuckie or The Grudge 2!"), others were filled with blatantly obvious or borderline idiotic choices ("Deliverance! Schindler's List! Kids! Caligula!"), and most of the rest appeared to have been written by brain-damaged ESL students battling prescription drug addictions ("Number 10: Aids disease is not become laughing. But does your date? Potential.")
 
So seeing as none of these were particularly useful to me, I decided to attempt to fill this void by creating my own list of Bad First Date Movies. And while I can't promise you quality, I can promise some measure of quantity. So there's that.
 
Oh, and also, I reveal nearly every single meaningful plot point in all of these films. So take that into account before you read this.

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