Like many people, I was, at one time, afflicted with crippling
self-esteem issues. In the end, it was only through hard work,
perseverance, intellectual dishonesty, and the gleeful exploitation of
those less fortunate was I finally able to achieve something resembling
So seeing as I have some experience in the field, I figured I'd share
with you seven amazing self-improvement tips which will almost
certainly help you feel better about who you are.
Whether they're being subjected to humorous physical abuse for failing
to have your dinner ready on time, conforming to misogynistic
stereotypes about driving ability, or emotionlessly drowning their
infant children in the bathtub due to severe postpartum depression and
psychosis, women can be a real handful!
But luckily the geniuses at Taipei Novelty Product Production Assembly
Line #124038 have come up with THIS
KOOKY GAG REMOTE for all
those "guys" out there who just want to "watch the big game with their
buddies" without being forced to acknowledge the existence of the
"perpetually exasperated vagina-possessing nursemaid" with whom they
have chosen to become emotionally attached.
I've never quite understood people who claim to get "bored". If you've
got even a little bit of money, there's no end to all the pointless
crap you can buy to entertain yourself, and even the working poor
should seemingly be kept busy (and so be saved from boredom) by their
constant struggle to survive coupled with the relatively inexpensive
escape provided by to them the abuse of alcohol.
But, for those who still claim to "have nothing to do" I will provide
this list which may or may not contain six suggestions of highly
original and universally pleasurable time-killing activities I may
possibly enjoy the idea of participating in from time to time.
Heed not the warnings of early 90s R&B groups. Waterfalls were
placed on this earth by Our Lord God for one reason and one reason
only: To be pursued.
I realize that many of you may have a strong
inclination towards sticking to the rivers and the lakes to
which you have grown accustomed, but what you likely fail to realize is
that puttering around
in large, stationary pools of liquid, or immersing yourself in
freshwater as it runs towards an ocean can in no way match the
physical and emotional fulfillment one can achieve from
chasing a waterfall. Not even close.
So if you'd allow me, I'd like to go ahead and refute some of the most
common arguments against the pursuance of water which happens to be
flowing down a steep grade due to the effects of gravity along with a
rapid drop in elevation.
I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that this box of organically
protected Trichogramma parasite larvae is a must buy for those whose
plans for world domination hinge on the cultivation and subsequent
release of thousands of tiny Hymenopteran insects.
The old "don't judge a book by its cover" adage has never made much
sense to me. You can tell a lot about a
book like this one by looking at the cover. I mean, any idiot
could see that it's a field guide
for picking wild mushrooms which was written by an impishly deranged
trombone enthusiast named David who enjoys feigning the thievery of
large quantities of fungi while wearing a cheap 80s tuxedo.
The more observant among you may have noticed that there has been a
fairly extreme smear campaign launched against bottled water by Big
Government and the leftist newsmedia of late. This comes as no
surprise, as the ability to purchase and casually discard
nonbiodegradable plastic receptacles is one of the few personal
freedoms which remain available to us in this increasingly socialistic
world of ours.
Which is precisely why it is imperative that people realize that claims
such as "bottled water creates unnecessary waste", "bottled water is
less safe than tap water", or "most bottled water is just tap water
that costs 600% more" are nothing more than lies perpetuated by
politically correct, freedom-hating rabblerousers.
So with that in mind, please have a look at five of the many reasons
why it is your civic duty to consume bottled water over tap water.
There's something about crossing the border from Minnesota into
Wisconsin which has always unsettled me. The feeling would probably
best characterized as crushing despair tinged with an oppressive
pastoral loneliness. It isn't necessarily that the scenery itself is
different, it's more of a vague feeling...as if the sadness
of its residents has somehow seeped into the soil and air, poisoning
it, like fallout from a nuclear blast. Or perhaps more appropriately,
like the solvent vapors from innumerable batches of high-grade
So it should be obvious that I'm not particularly keen on the idea of
visiting Wisconsin for fun and diversion, which makes me just the
person to write an overtly antagonistic and highly inaccurate guide of
it for nonexistent tourists.
It is a particularly fine summer evening. You are taking a shortcut
through a field of wheat, on the way to your job at the bank. Suddenly
you feel a tremendous pressure in your eardrums and a white light
envelops you. You are lifted, struggling, into the belly of a
An alien approaches and informs you that you are to be the subject of
an experiment on human nature. The alien says you are to receive a
number of randomly assigned superpowers, and that you are free to use
these powers as you see fit.
The alien squeals with delight and flips a switch. A bell rings and the
floor opens up, sending you tumbling out of the ship.
What do you do?
internet fans, it's your old pal Martin "The Baron" Hubley with another
top ten list to shake the foundations of your musical knowledge to
their very cores! Those of you who know me best will agree that I have
one passion and one passion only: Rock & Roll. My naughtiest
fantasy is to climb into a hotrod, crank up my fave rock radio station
to full, and cruise down the coast, honking at thick & juicy honeys
while bobbing my head to the sound of wailing guitars and nonstop drums.
Some say rock ain't what it used to be, but I tend to disagree. There
are plenty of high quality rock albums out there, you just have to know
where to look (namely: right here in this very article).
Fair Warning: There are going to be some pretty
controversial choices in here, as I don't often follow the crowd. But
keep reading if you've got the guts, and you'll be rewarded with hours
of rock and roll hijinks. That's a promise!