Dangerous Alarm Clocks

As
far back as I can remember, I've always been an Idea Man. I don't mean
this in a business sense, I literally mean that I am a human who
possesses both an X and a Y chromosome and occasionally formulates
thoughts and opinions about various things. An Idea Man.
 
For
example, I was able to come up with several fairly decent ideas a few
weeks ago when I placed a rusted can of quintuple-filtered spray butane
to my left nostril and held the nozzle open until the room began to
vibrate and shriek and indescribable colors exploded all around me and
my screams became muffled as the walls pushed in and in until
consciousness failed me and I knew no more.  

Upon
awakening, I found myself entombed in a small chamber of pulsating,
amaranthine velvet. Though I did not know it at the time, it was to be
my home for the next several centuries. And although the pod was
cheaply furnished and the lone bookshelf contained only a small
rumpled-up stack of older Highlights magazines (in which most of the
mazes and puzzles had already been completed...IN PEN), I was
determined to make the best of a bad situation.

So while it is
true that the endless I spent imprisoned in that were neither
interesting nor eventful, I was able to spend a lot of quality time
reflecting on my life, which in turn lead me to consider the human
condition and eventually the very nature of existence itself. And while
it is also
true that none of this rumination ever resulted in anything
in anything other than a drowsiness or a mild headache, I did end come
up with a few pretty decent ideas for alarm clocks while I was in there.

So here are some of those.

 

Scorpion Clock

1. SCORPIONSCLOCK

Most
people don't want to spend a lot of money on an alarm clock, which is
why I have endeavored to keep the build cost of Scorpionsclock as low
as possible. So if you came here looking for one of those opulent $400
stainless-steel "Arthropod-Based Wakefulness Facilitation Systems" you
see the home shopping channel or in obscene airline catalogs which
cater exclusively to the idle rich, I suggest you look elsewhere. This
is a clock for the Charlie McBumperton's of the world, not the Chester
Van Burlingtons.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

Scorpionsclock
harnesses the gravitational pull of the earth to deliver a payload of
writhing scorpions to the faces and upper-bodies of people who are
currently asleep. Simply specify the hour you'd like to be awakened on
the Easy-Set Wakedial, position yourself below the insect-expulsion
hatch, and enjoy a pleasant night's sleep. The next morning at the
specified time, a thrashing payload of poisonous arachnids will rain
down upon you and begin to sting indiscriminately at your exposed
flesh. It's just that simple.

WHAT KIND OF SCORPIONS ARE THESE?

Each cage includes 80-100 fully-grown Arizona
Bark Scorpions
,
which are among the most venomous scorpions in North America. Since the
sting of even a single Bark Scorpion is capable of causing intense
pain, numbness, and even paralysis, the experience of being repeatedly
stung about the face mouth and eyes by several dozen of them is
guaranteed to immediately jolt even the heaviest of sleepers from the
deepest of slumbers.

WHERE ARE THESE CLOCKS MANUFACTURED?

I
personally manufacture each clock by interweaving precut strips of
wood, scrap metal, or paper into a cage. I then superglue an egg timer
to the bottom of it and add the finishing touches (which I won't share
here because..trade secret).

Please note that since each cage
is haphazardly assembled in a very short amount of time (to keep costs
low) they do have a tendency to fall apart when they are used. It is
therefore recommended that users wear safety goggles or a welding mask
to bed each night to protect their eyes from the shards of splintered
wood and rusted metal which will inevitably come raining down with the
scorpions each morning.

WHAT ABOUT SAFETY?

Each
morning, all remaining scorpions should be crushed with a heavy stone
or large boot before they have a chance to escape into the ventilation
system. Customers who are sensitive to the shock, extreme pain, or
paralysis are advised to have a friend or relative within screaming
distance to assist with the cleanup.

As exposure to scorpion
venom is likely to be fatal to young children, the scorpions included
with this product should not be administered to children ages 12 and
under without the express written consent of a parent or guardian.

Side-effects
of scorpion venom include: Dizziness, Cerebral Hemorrhage, Respiratory
System Failure, Gambling, Irritability, and Difficulty Urinating.
Scorpion venom may also cause drowsiness. Operating a motor vehicle or
heavy machinery while covered in these scorpions is not recommended.

Explosive Bowel Movement

2. EXPLOSIVE BOWEL MOVEMENT CLOCK

Fact:
Humans do not defecate in their sleep. Think about it: When was the
last time you awoke in a pool of your own feces? For those without a
serious drinking problem or serious gastrointestinal condition, the
answer is likely to be "never". This is because when our bodies are
functioning properly, our bodies awaken us when the urgent need to use
the toilet arises, allowing us ample time to get out of bed and
eliminate into a nearby a toilet, utility sink, or wastepaper bin.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH CLOCKS?

The
idea behind this device is simple: Each night before bed, a thick,
hypoallergenic tube (lubricated with semisynthetic beef-tallow for
pleasure and comfort) is inserted deep into the user's rectum. The
following morning, at the hour specified by the user, our patented
15-Horsepower JetStreem Magnapump kicks in, forcing gallon after gallon
of searing hot caffeinated liquid into the sleeper's lower intestine.
This, in turn, facilitates an explosive "finger over a hose" style
bowel movement.  

BUT WON'T I SOIL THE BED?

Long
answer: In an ideal world, this clock would awaken you quickly enough
to instill a sense of urgency while still allowing you to reach the
bathroom before an unintentional discharge episode occurs. Short
answer: Almost certainly.

CAN YOU GUARANTEE IT'LL WAKE ME UP?

Officially? No. But what can
say
is that there are very few people who can stay asleep while they are
essentially being boiled alive in a scalding pool of caffeinated
excrement. Take from that what you will.

 

Pixel Meth

3. GENEROUS HELPING OF BATHTUB METHAMPHETAMINE CLOCK

Don't
let the name fool you; this clock is not so much a "clock" as it is
"the act of injecting what even a practiced methamphetamine addict
would almost certainly consider to be an irresponsible amount of
methamphetamine directly into your jugular each morning".

HOW DOES ONE OBTAIN THIS CLOCK?

Due
to the addictiveness, dangerousness, and illegalnessness of
methamphetamine, it's probably best that we make this a do-it-yourself
project. Anyone who is interested in utilizing meth as a makeshift
alarm clock will have to figure out for themselves how to obtain it,
the dosages, the exact method of administration, and everything else
about it. Which is to say: I'm really only here in an advisory
capacity.

CAN YOU AT LEAST DO A PRO/CON LIST? SURELY YOU CAN DO THAT
MUCH.

Alright,
I guess I can do one, but that's as far as I'm willing to go! Here's a
list of the Pros & Cons of using methamphetamine daily as an
alarm
clock:

PROS

  • Effective
  • Fun
  • Improves Mood
  • May Boost Job Performance

CONS

  • Not Legal
  • Can Get Pricey
  • Inexplicable Bouts of Violent Rage
  • Aforementioned
    Job Performance Boost Really Only Applies To Careers Which Involve
    Swatting at Imaginary Insects, Compulsive Masturbation To The Point of
    Dehydration, And Barricading Yourself In An Apartment For Days-On-End
    So You Can Disassemble & Reassemble Moped Engines And Antique
    Watches Until One Day You Drop Dead Of A Massive Hemorrhagic Stroke.
  • Drymouth

Dark Powers

4. MEDDLING WITH DARK FORCES YOU CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO
COMPREHEND AND INADVERTENTLY UNLEASHING AN ANCIENT EVIL CLOCK

This
one is dangerous, and frankly I probably shouldn't be publishing it at
all. Keep that in mind as you read through it. Please note that a lot
of it has been redacted for your own protection. It's a bit messy,
unfortunately it's the best I can do at the current time.

Here's what you'll need:

  • Box of syringes
  • 91% isopropyl alcohol (16oz)
  • 15 feet of medical-grade tubing
  • 2-gallon stainless-steel bucket, electrical tape
  • fishtank air pump
  • 4 tablespoons quivering polychromatic ichor
  • outlet timer
  • dry measuring cups
  • 1 pound white flour
  • positive attitude

Step 1

Pour
isopropyl alcohol into bucket along with 3 cups flour. Stir mixture for
[REDACTED]
before inserting into [REDACTED],
making sure to [REDACTED]
the [REDACTED].
If done correctly, room will be filled with dense,
shimmering fog which will dissipate in several minutes.

(Note)
I hope you didn't inhale any of that fog; it was highly toxic. Also you
probably should have closed your eyes too.

Step 2

After
fog has dissipated, tape around outer edge of [REDACTED], ensuring
a
tight seal. Force [REDACTED]
into [REDACTED]
and dust with loamy soil
once rumbling subsides.

Step 3

Quickly [REDACTED]
and
[REDACTED] [REDACTED] before
leaning the head against the far wall. Use
pie plate to collect excess fluids, if desired. Insert earplugs
immediately, as [REDACTED]
will soon begin collapsing in upon itself.

Step 4

To
prevent stampede [SECTION
REDACTED
] and check to see if glass eye has
rolled under nearby sofa or table. Sweep mouth with right index finger
and [REDACTED]
[REDACTED][REDACTED] [REDACTED] to drown
out the
screams. Run the garbage disposal for the full 40 seconds.

Step 5

[REDACTED]
[REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] rotary
phone takes
significantly longer to dial [REDACTED]
[REDACTED]
firm, yet yielding
to the touch [REDACTED]
[REDACTED] [REDACTED]
historically, the Jesuits
[REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED, DACTED, AND THEN
REDACTED AGAIN
] [REDACTED]
lest you pierce the abdomen
[REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED]
[REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] mechanical
horse [REDACTED]
[REDACTED] [REDACTED] deep
beneath the earth's crust.

Step 6

Carefully pour ashes into locket
and continue plunging ceremonial dagger into chest cavity until you
hear crowd disperse and steam engine's brakes engage. Don't forget to
rinse the sink out with warm soapy water once you've finished.

Step 7

Go to sleep. Or wake up? To be completely honest, I don't even remember
where I was going with all this. It was supposed to be about how you
build an alarm clock or something right? Whatever. I'm sure you can
figure it out.

Good luck.

Attack You Owls, Attack

5. DOZENS-OF-OWLS CLOCK

The
first version of this clock was a large metal cage containing a group
of live owls. When an alarm sounded, the door to the cage was to fly
open and the owls were to emerge and awaken anyone who happened to be
sleeping nearby by descending upon them in a whirlwind of
snapping beaks and razor-sharp talons.
 
Unfortunately
this prototype would ultimately prove to be a failure, as none of the
test owls showed even a passing interest in leaving the cage. They
simply sat huddled together on their perch, occasionally rustling their
feathers and cooing softly. I needed to be able to cause these gentle
woodland beasts to fly into a bloodlust on-command...but how?

DOES THE CLOCK HAV-

The
answer would come from a place I never could have imagined: The sack of
live rodents which sent me sprawling one evening as I was taking a walk
through the warehouse district. Having apparently been jarred from an
open boxcar on The Altamont Express (a local freight train used
exclusively to ferry hastily-loaded, ill-secured burlap sacks
containing various types of household pests to local businesses), the
heavy bundle struck the back of my head with such violence that I was
driven face-first into the pavement before I was even able to cry out.

BUT IF I COULD, I JUST WANTED TO M-

After
a short period of unconsciousness, I staggered to my feet, grinning
from
ear to ear. "Eureka! My figurative prayers have been answered!" I
exclaimed, spitting blood and splintered teeth, "These rodents are
precisely what I require to complete my clock!" I sprinted back to the
workshop with rodent sack in-tow, eager to test my theory.

THIS
IS SUPPOSED TO BE A Q&A. THE AD SPECIFICALLY STATED THAT THIS
WOULD
BE A Q&A. BUT OBVIOUSLY IT ISN'T A Q&A BECAUSE YOU
AREN'T EVEN
LISTENING AND YOU KEEP CU-

Upon
my arrival, I discovered that my assistant had left the door to the owl
cage ajar and subsequently fallen asleep in a nearby armchair. Without
hesitation, I gleefully poured the contents of the sack over his body,
covering him head-to-toe in filthy, shrieking sewer rats. Much to my
delight, the owls burst from of the cage and began to tear at his flesh
and eyes in their frenzied attempts to gorge themselves on the
squirming mass of damp vermin which now clung to him like a
second-skin.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW THIS. I DIDN'T DRIVE
ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE TO LISTEN TO SOME SHITTY OFFBRAND H.P. LOVECRAFT
STORY ABOUT SOME ASSHOLE WHO TRAINS OWLS. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I'M OUT
OF HERE. UNBELIEVABLE.

As he struggled to his feet
and staggered blindly around the room flailing his limbs madly and
emitting yelps of agony, I smiled a knowing
smile and pulled on my overcoat.

"Thanks very much for your help," I
said, pulling on my overcoat and stepping into the hall,
"But if
you'll excuse me; there's still plenty of work to be done."

"Mrrrgg!
Ggghhllghh," he gurgled, frantically waving what remained of his arms
in the air in what I took to be an enthusiastic farewell,
"Rrrrrllggggh...phhgrrrrrrrgl!"

But I was already gone.