I really like kids. Well, I like the older ones that can do things, but I’m not too hot on babies. I mean, what good are they? They can’t talk, they can’t walk, and they can’t play the piano. They can’t perform any tricks at all.

What, are you going to try to tell me that grasping someone’s finger is a trick? What a joke. No, they don’t do anything; they just sit there looking at you those dumb creepy cow eyes in their crumpled little faces. Now I will answer some questions about how to raise children.

Bullied By Advanced Thugs

My children and I attend an AP playgroup regularly. A five-year-old tends to bully my older children and other kids in general. How do I talk to the mother about it?


Wait a second…AP playgroup, does that mean advanced placement playgroup? You have got to be kidding me. So is this the playgroup for the kids who are REALLY GOOD at being five years old? Teacher: I’ve got wonderful news for you Mrs. Mason, your little Timmy is extremely good at running around in church parking lot pretending to be a unicorn. He also pees all over the front of his sweatpants and sticks marbles up his nose better than any child I’ve ever seen. I feel he’s the perfect candidate for an AP playgroup! We should enroll him immediately so he doesn’t have to waste his time creating paper hand turkeys with children who are physically well.

But to answer this question: DON’T talk to the mother about it. Your kids are already being bullied by a five-year-old AP dork. You think having their mommy step in is going to make things better? You had better toughen those kids of yours up. Teach them the ways of the streets. Once it gets around that your child knows how to create a shiv out of rolled up newspaper and a makeshift armored vest out of phonebooks and tape, the other AP children will stay out of his way.

 

Bedtime Fun For Everyone

I've read that co-sleeping with children can be a excuse for women who don't want to share a sexual life with their husbands. I don't know if you have something written about that. I haven't read all your parent advice column yet - but was very touched by some things I read there.
 

Speaking of being touched, you had better be careful about sleeping in the same bed with kids these days. Yeah, I realize it might seem like a good way to not have sex with the person you hypothetically love most in the world, but try to resist the temptation. It would probably make the kids nervous, and if their parents found out I doubt they would be too happy about it either.
 

Lying Little S**T

I have a 9-year-old daughter who would rather call her Dad and me liars than to tell the truth. We have caught her in a lie and she will look us in the eyes and say she isn't lying. We will say, "Well, one of us is lying then...who is it?" And she will say it is us.

 It is so frustrating, when we catch her doing something and then she will sit there and lie. It doesn't even bother her at all. I am at my wits end and would appreciate any advice on how to correct and discipline this matter.



 
I came up with a really good plan for this one. It’s a bit complicated so I’ll give you a step-by-step (day-by-day):

1. Convince your child that stealing is right. Watch some shows or movies which prominently feature child thieves with your daughter. When the children on-screen are shown stealing, make comments like, “Boy that kid is great! I bet his parents are very proud of him. Stealing is cool. Isn’t that right Carl?” you would say to your husband Carl, who would reply, “Yes dear, it is. I steal all the time and children especially should steal too because it is good.”
   
   
2. Put your child in a position to steal. Visit a dimly-lit and deserted convenience store in a nice part of town which has a security camera. Then say to your daughter, “Me and your mother were just talking to the horrible rich man who owns this store and he has a ton of money won’t even share it with us even though we are hardworking and good people. Now we are going to go outside to look at the street, because it is probably where we will be living soon because we are so destitute and whatnot.” Then glance at the candy rack and remark, “Boy that candy sure looks tasty though, huh.” and walk away.
   
   
3. Have your child arrested. If your little girl is even remotely intelligent, she will seize this perfect opportunity to steal. Peek around a corner and make sure she takes something. She will then attempt to leave the store.You will have called the police earlier, and they should be waiting outside. When your daughter exits the store, shout “There she is! Stop her! Thief thief! Swarm swarm swarm!” and the police will swoop in and wrestle her to the ground roughly.
   
   
4. Corner your daughter during interrogation. You will have arranged to be in on the questioning. Your daughter, being the horrible little liar that she is, will of course deny committing the crime. Call her a liar and a filthy thief, get her to confess using strong-arm tactics and all the evidence the police have collected thus far. She will be forced to cave.
   
   
5. Gloat. You finally proved her to be a liar. Bask in the warm glow of success.