Amazon Oddity: Control-A-Woman Remote

Whether they're being subjected to humorous physical abuse for failing to have your dinner ready on time, conforming to misogynistic stereotypes about driving ability, or emotionlessly drowning their infant children in the bathtub due to severe postpartum depression and psychosis, women can be a real handful!
 
But luckily the geniuses at Taipei Novelty Product Production Assembly Line #124038 have come up with THIS KOOKY GAG REMOTE for all those "guys" out there who just want to "watch the big game with their buddies" without being forced to acknowledge the existence of the "perpetually exasperated vagina-possessing nursemaid" with whom they have chosen to become emotionally attached.
 
Let's take a look some of the key features of this remote in-depth.
 
 

REWIND

While men may no longer be allowed to shackle females mentally (or even physically), they can still celebrate their chauvinist heritage by purchasing cheap, non-functioning television remote controls, pointing them at a nearby woman, and pressing the "rewind" button in the vain hope that the she will cease voicing her troublesome opinions, slip into an early 18th century woolen dress, and immediately begin performing oral sex upon them.
 
 

COOK/CLEAN/LEAVE

This group of buttons perfectly encapsulates the three main duties which should be instilled into the mind of any woman who resides in your home. It is important to remember that women are simple-minded creatures, and can not be trusted to perform any overly complex tasks which do not involve nurturing behavior or compulsory servitude.

Any man who has allowed his woman to "try things for herself" (be it the balancing of the household budget, the repair of a leaky faucet, or the piloting of a motorcar) will know that ventures such as these are foolhardy at best, and will almost always result in the female breaking down in tears of rage at her apparent impotence.

 

BREASTS + OR -

Buttons to increase or decrease breast size on women!? Talk about hilarious! Don't worry if you don't get the joke, it's some pretty subtle satire. See, it's funny because men are said to enjoy large breasts! Still don't get it? Here, maybe this'll help:

The Scientific Principle

"I am a heterosexual man. I realize that the breast is a collection of tissue present on the upper torso of female humans. This tissue contains the mammary gland, which secretes milk used to feed our young. Females develop breasts during puberty as a result of changing sex hormones, chiefly estrogen.

I realize that I likely find breasts attractive because they provide a visual signal of sexual maturity and fertility, which caters to my animalistic desire to reproduce with the female to which the breasts are attached."*

The Actual Male Mind In Practice

"Uhhhuhuhuhh..." (Stares gape-mouthed at woman's breasts while emitting a low, guttural grunting sound from deep in his throat)
 
 

MUTE

In the good old days a woman was seen and had sex with, not heard. Unfortunately due to so-called "advances" in "human rights", women can now speak their minds, wear nonrestrictive clothing, and vote.

So it stands to reason that casual misogynists the world over would pine for a magical "mute" button which, if pressed, would instantly transmogrify that shrill, culturally emancipated harpy you married into the Maximesque woman of your dreams (i.e. an emotionless & uncommunicative cleaning robot/ejaculate receptacle who will stroke your frail little ego by popping out and caring for any number of heterosexual male children at your command without saying a single word).