It’s strange to me that mail-order catalogs even exist anymore. Who exactly is still buying crap from these things? It can only be that there are far more reasonably well-off childless women in their early-to-late 40s who are somehow still unaware of the internet than I had originally thought. But even so…the overpriced junk they sell in the Signals catalog is so useless it makes Hammacher Schlemmer seem like an auto parts catalog.

So let’s have a look at some of their best products.

Frustrated at your inability to attract a man? No problem! Simply purchase any item of the clothing from this series and your worries will simply melt away! While wearing any of these garments, already unattractive women will become practically INVISIBLE to members of the opposite sex!

This might seem counterproductive to you, but that’s probably because you’re so dense! Think of wearing these garments as clothing yourself in a magical fabric which wick away the last remnants of pesky traits like dignity, self-worth, and hope from your body. This leaves you free to enjoy pursuits like designing clothing for pets, posting rants on doll collector message boards, and sobbing uncontrollably while driving home from family gatherings.

$19.95-39.95

Pet Ashes Pendant

I’m just going to go ahead and type out the last part of the catalog’s description for this one:

Ahem.

$59.95

The Dark Arts Collection

Sinister Obsidian Hand

The description of this product claims I’ll think of countless ways to use this sculpture. I guess I’m a failure, because I tried, and I can’t even think of one. They do give an idea of their own about how it could be used though, they say it would make a great “conversation piece”. That’s the best selling-point they were able to come up with. Nicely done, Signals.

If you think about it, pretty much anything could be used as a conversation piece. For example: You might say to your friend Tom of a worn piece of felt you found in the parking lot at Arby's, “Hey Tom, check out this worn piece of felt I found in the parking lot at Arby's.” And Tom would say, “I don't care.” Technically, that would be a conversation. So a piece of junk felt (which was free, might I add) was just as good of a conversation starter as this stupid evil hand which costs 40 dollars.

$39.95

The Shrieking Buddha

This is an elegant, hand-carved, sixteen inch tall seminude statuette of what appears to be a morbidly obese childdemon reveling at the height of some perverse blood ritual, his pudgy arms raised in dark tribute to the sinister being he serves. 

His plus-sized swaddling clothes (which barely conceal his mangled elephantine genitals) add an air of sensuality to this already intriguing figure. Elderly relatives and children of all ages will no doubt enjoy hours of fun rubbing the distended belly and lovingly tweaking the tender nipple buds of this terrifying religious figure.  

$69.00

The Poor Choice of Words Collection

Suggestively Titled Golf Book

Maybe I’m being a little childish, but it seems to me that titling your book “Lost Balls: Great Holes, Tough Shots, and Bad Lies” is just asking for trouble. It also doesn’t help that the description lists it as containing “encounters with wildlife” and “hazards from legendary locales such as Old Head”. Am I wrong here?
$29.95

Pig Pillow

Now I’m no expert on women, but I’m reasonably certain that most of them wouldn’t appreciate the sentiment of this personalized pillow, which starts off by likening them to a fat, hairy, filth-ridden sow (complete with picture), and then goes on to accuse them of ‘Hogging the blankets’. You may as well just get her a pillow that says:


$19.95



There are plenty of other entertaining products in this catalog (well, all of them are pretty funny, actually) but I suppose I have to make the cut off somewhere, so it might as well be here. I guess since this is a review I’m supposed to put a score at the end here, but I don’t really feel like doing that. I’ll just type in a random number instead. Hopefully this’ll provide a satisfying conclusion to the article, but if not, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time: