Christian Game Review: Bayonetta

Hi there fellow Christians. My name is Lucas Bell, and I'm a professional video game reviewer and professional video game lover. I began writing game reviews in 1988, when I noticed the godlessness that pervaded most popular videogames at the time. These games contained dinosaurs, rock and roll, and kissing. Sorry game developers but the only kissing I'll be doing is with the lord, through prayer, so count me out!
 
Since I knew there was no chance of games being created for true Christians (Christians are now a minority!) I decided to begin reviewing games from a Christian perspective so that others would easily avoid those which contain demonics, disrespect of the elderly, or sex with children (as most games nowaday do!)
 
Today I'll be taking a look at Bayonetta, a game which is about as far from God's holy love as one can get without being in hell itself. Please be warned that this review is not suitable for children.
 

STORY

Bayonetta is the story of a harlot witch named Bayonetta who travels around the world battling the forces of god. In this game you must murder angels (even child angels, called cherubs), murder innocent humans, travel to hell to buy guns, and engage in graphic sexual activity and nudity in order to score points.
 
 

VIOLENT SIN

You are a witch serving hell, so much of the violence in this game takes place against god's angels! Yes, you heard this reviewer correctly: In Bayonetta, you murder and torture angels. The torture comes in when you perform special moves, and (NOTICE: Please do not allow any children to read the following description, as it is extremely graphic!) at points she will become nude and cause a guillotine or other medieval torture device such as a boulder or spinning wheel to appear and brutally murder the angel while laughing, causing blood, urine, and excrement to spray everywhere (even dripping down the screen at points). Even more shocking...she also spanks the angels with a paddle before murdering them.
 
This is one of the most horrible displays this reviewer has ever seen.
 
 

SEXUAL SIN

I am ashamed to say that this game aroused the lustful passions of sin within my soul and loins more than I have ever experienced. As a good Christian man I have kept myself celibate for life as called for during the bible, so playing this game was especially taxing for me. My wife understands this and understands that I am saving myself for Jesus and that sometimes it can be hard to temper my sinful thoughts, so she was able to assist me get through this game somewhat by reading passages of the New Testament to me while I played.
 
The main character of the game is a shapely courtesan with large child-bearing hips and breasts. She dresses in tight leather clothing which reveals the fact that she is female. At points when using a special attack or move her clothes will come off, revealing supple pink flesh, bare shoulders, etc. This is obviously designed to entice children into sin.
 
She groans and moans and grunts so seductively that at points I had such fear that I was going to break down and begin ejecting sin into my pants, and I forced my wife to turn the game off and read aloud the story from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul where the young boy is saved from bowel cancer from prayer. This quieted my sinister urges for a bit but upon playing the game for any more time my loins would begin to tremble and I would have to stop for fear of committing the act.

 

MAGIC/ACCULT SIN

 
Not only is the main character of this game a Witch, she is female. The player can cast spells, shoot magic from their hands, and even transmogrify into a dragon, the act of which alone would be enough to give this reviewer a head ache due to sin.
 
I realize this game was made in Japan, but I do not even think the Chairman of Japan would approve of such things! But I suppose I should not expect too much from people who think that transforming into sex animals or sex acts with a robot is OK show and teach children on morning television.
 
 
 

CUSSING SIN

 
This product does not have many cusses, and that may be the only good thing I can say about it. Other than the sex moans this reviewer has previously mentioned, there is no bad language in this game aside from the occasional light cuss (crap, shit, etc) and some blaspheming.
 
 

CHRISTIAN MESSAGE

Don't make me laugh. The only thing Christian about this game is the paper the manual is printed on (as tree paper come from our lord). Other than that, you can expect a one way ticket to be in hell for eternity if you even play the demo of this game. If you see it on the shelf at the store, don't approach. If you need to buy a more godly game which is close by it, knock it to the floor with a stick or broom handle before proceeding. Do not even read the back of the box.
 
 

FINAL JUDGEMENT