Worthless Guide to Comedy - Part 3: Real Life

By The Baron
There is a difference between thinking you are funny, and knowing you are. For example, a lot of kids in high school thought they were pretty hilarious when they called me Fatchunk or threw a bean burrito at me from across the room during lunch. These people thought they were funny and they weren’t. I on the other hand, KNOW I am funny. Just mention The Baron on any of the message boards I am most popular on, and they will surely type out a hearty “LOL” upon even thinking about my various jinks (high and low). But I’m not here to brag; I’m writing in this third comedy article to educate the internet public about something they do not truly understand: Comedy. So sit back, open a sack of your favorite chips, and get ready to laugh.

Part 1 – Top 10 TV
Part 1 – Top 10 Movies
Part 3 – Real Life



Always be at the top of your game. A lot of great comedians like Carrot Top are “on” all the time. Being “on” is a comedy term that means that whether a person is buying an iced cream cone at a shop or standing in line at the DMV, they will always have their mind ready for a quick-witted response to any question. Here are some examples of what I might say in various situations (keep in mind that you probably wouldn’t be able to come up with anything as good as these, but remember I’ve done a lot of practice in front of the mirror):

• You are waiting at a bus stop and someone comes up and rudely asks “Is this the bus stop?” You would snap back with a line like “No, this is the idiot stop, and it looks like one just arrived: you.”
  
  
• You are eating dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant and the waiter trips over the carpet and drops his tray. Wink and say, “Wow, it looks like you should have gone to walking school as well as waiter school!”
  
  
• You step out of a building downtown and a homeless man asks, “Please sir, may I have some change?” Without missing a beat say, “Change? Why don’t you try a JOB for a change?” (In case some of you don’t get this one, it is funny because you turn around one of the words he says (change) and use it against him to remind him he is poor)
  
  
• A police officer pulls you over for speeding. He walks up and you say, “Oh sorry officer, did you notice that I was doing DONUTS (emphasizing the word donuts and winking as I say it) in the street back there?”
  
  
  
  
  
• A mother brings her child into a movie with her and the kid is making noise during the movie. Yell from the back of the theater “This looks like a good reason to allow abortions!” I think the rest of the people in the theater would applaud that one as well.

Now I know some of these might seem a little mean to you, but you have to understand how comedy works. Nothing is sacred in the world of comedy, any target is OK (yes, even abortion and law men like sheriffs). You didn’t see comedian Steve Chapelle editing himself on comedy central, and he’s a millionaire now.


Some of the best comedy in history has been what is called slapstick comedy. Examples of this are in The Simpsons when homer hits his hand with a hammer and says “Dope!” and when crooks get punched in the family jewels in Baby’s Day Out. People love to see others being hurt, and you too can benefit from this. Any time you are out in public and you have an accident or do something clumsy, have a special quip or performance piece ready to go. This way instead of being the butt of a joke, you’re the comedian himself. Here are a few examples:

• You are at a department store and you (or a friend) slip on a beverage or vomit that has been spilled on the floor. Yell: “Cleanup on aisle 6!” (or whatever aisle you’re currently in). If you’re in for a more urban touch you can try: “Boy when those popular rap songs invited me to get my booty on the floor I took it too literally!”
  
  
• While going through a security checkpoint somewhere you cause a metal detector to go off. You can shoot out with something like “Oh that’s just the metal plate in my head!” and knock on your head with your fist, making a clunk sound effect.
  
  
  
  
  
• When you bump into someone, instead of saying “excuse me” say “ex-squeeze me!”
  
  
• If you accidentally spill a liquid on the front of your pants (making it appear you have peed your pants) come out of the bathroom and remark to the nearest person in a baby voice “Waaah! Momma me messed me diapy” and make a frowny face.
  
  

Sometimes people just won’t play nice, and you have to be prepared to defend yourself against their attacks. Luckily you have me on your side, and I don’t pull any punches when it comes to insult comedy. Here’s your guide to insults you might get, and comebacks for each one:

Insult: You’re ugly.
Comeback: Your butt and your face switched roles and now your face is your butt.

Insult: (You do something stupid) Great job, loser!
Comeback: Yes, I have a great job, and I make more money than you, here’s a dollar to tell someone who cares.


Insult: You’re fat.
Comeback: Yeah, and so is my brain, which is more than I can say for yours.

Insult: You’re a nerd.
Comeback: Takes one to know one, idiot.


Insult: **** you!
Comeback: Oooh, big words from such a little twerp!

Insult: (Insulting a favorite band of yours) Such and such band stinks!
Comeback: Yeah, let’s see you do it better, jerk.

Insult: Your momma is fat!
Comeback: Your momma is even fatter, so fat even that she’s even obese.


Insult: (They beat you at something) Oh yeah, you suck!
Comeback: I’ll show you how to suck!


This should be enough information to get you started on your road to high comedy. Just remember that the road is long and hard, but if you perservere you can do it. I have faith in you!