True History of Game Consoles: Part 3
Sega Saturn
I remember I had a good friend who owned a Saturn. Well maybe not good
friend, but a friend. At least I think he was a friend. We didn't hang
around much or anything, but there was a sort of mutual respect. Well,
from me to him anyway, not really the other way around.
Actually you know what, now that I think about it, he was kind of a jerk. Screw him and the Sega Saturn. Both things were pretty much worthless.
Actually you know what, now that I think about it, he was kind of a jerk. Screw him and the Sega Saturn. Both things were pretty much worthless.
Nintendo 64
Here's
another parallel: I had another friend who owned a Nintendo 64. It
suited him quite well. Neither was much to look at; they were both big
and dopey and clunky, but in sort of endearing way. A couple of dull,
well-meaning giants that I would visit from time to time.
And while the boy and the Nintendo 64 were pleasant enough, you wouldn't really go out of your way to spend much time with them (unless you didn't have anything better to do, which I didn't). One positive thing I can note though though, is that both the boy and the console did allow me to play Super Mario Kart, which was something. But not much.
And while the boy and the Nintendo 64 were pleasant enough, you wouldn't really go out of your way to spend much time with them (unless you didn't have anything better to do, which I didn't). One positive thing I can note though though, is that both the boy and the console did allow me to play Super Mario Kart, which was something. But not much.
Sega Dreamcast
“Hey
everyone, it's Sega, want another console from us!? What do you mean
‘not really’? Well we’re releasing it anyway! Alright, here it is, the
Dremcast. Pretty cool huh? Aw crap. Not again. Why isn't anybody buying this damn thing? We have Sonic dammit, Sonic.
Wait, what exactly do you mean by 'we've created a console for a sad, pathetic, dying breed of gamer which just doesn't exist anymore?' That hurts, friend. Oh well, I suppose this means we've failed again! That’s it; we're going to stick to publishing mostly unremarkable and shockingly inessential games from now on. Hope you sons of bitches are happy."
Sony Playstation 2
The world wanted one. The world needed
one. Buildings burned. Empires crumbled and were rebuilt. On a certain
planet, apes appeared to have evolved from men. But things were not as
they seemed...Darth Vader broke free from shackles like Frankenstein
and bellowed to the heavens, drawing derisive laughter and embarrassed
sidelong glances from the crowd. Women and children wailed gape-mouthed at windows as chain-wielding bands of husbands battled in the streets in order that they might get a chance to play Summoner. These are the dark times...
Nintendo Gamecube
The Average American Consumer Says:“What the…? Is this a joke or something? A little purple lunchbox with a grotesque, avant-garde controller and mini discs?
Hmm, but I suppose some of these games still do look pretty cool. They still have Mario, maybe I'll check that out. Whaaaat? Why on earth does he have a water squirting jetpack?! You wash paint off of things? Exactly how many bowls did these people smoke?
Wait now, here’s Mario Kart, that’s what I’m talking about! Boo ya! Hmm, these levels are sort of dull. God, do these little bastards EVER shut up?! Aaarrggh! Dammit! I keep getting killed by STUPID blue shells, and you can’t even jump anymore! Screw it, at least I still have Crash Team Racing.
Xbox
Below Average American Consumer Says:“Me like game but no like kid game. Me want football. Me want pretty girl in bathing suit. Me want shoot thing. Ooh. Ooh. Me see on tee-vee Xbox by Mie-Crow-Soft. Sound good. Me see same name on computer; good name. System big and heavy like brick, just the way me like it. Me play Halo, hold gun, shoot shiny thing first time ever. Me buy John Madden football every year. Me watch Japanese girl bounce in Bikini. Hehe, they even have squirrel who swear and fart. Hehe. Hehe.”
Xbox 360
Hmm…This one looks a bit odd if you ask me. None of these launch games look very good. Pretty dull...Time Passes …
Well now, I gota admit, there're actually some pretty cool-looking games out for this thing now, I guess I'll buy one. Wow, I really love these controllers, sturdy, comfortable, and wireless too! The graphics look amazing on my HDTV too. Haha check out th-… what...The screen went blank. What's going on? What does this red light mean? Oh, Motherfu—
Sony Playstation 3
Fickle Sony Lover Says:"Yesss! I love Sony. I love everything Sony does. Sonysonysony! Play-stay-shun! Play-stay-shun! I can’t wait for this one, I am going to be first in line on launch day, no doubt about that!
Oh...look, an announcement from Sony! Let’s see… 600 DOLLARS?! Are you !$*# KIDDING ME!? Screw you Sony, I always hated you.
Here, I'm going to write a letter: Dear Sony: DROP DEAD you jorks! I hope you all get dysentery and rot from the inside out you have failed your fanbass and everyone this machine was suposed to be epic and now its just garbage crap go back to japan!"
Oooh now the system came out; let’s see what I might’ve wasted my money on. Haha! Look at this crap. Gundam Wing? This looks like a 3-year-old PS2 game! And Madden too! I’m sure there’s going to be gunshots ringing out in the Aisles of inner-city Wal-Marts all across the country when the shelves are stocked with that little gem! Hello…what’s this? Metal Gear Solid is coming out? Maybe they'll drop the price soon..."
Nintendo Wii
Frantic Bandwagon Jumper says:“Ohmygod! Ohmygod! I gottegetawii, I gottegetawii! Look at that thing, it's WHITE! Have you ever seen such a color? You can’t get these systems anywhere, they’re quite rare you see. I hear once you play it you’ll never be able to look at games the same way again! I hear it’s a gaming revolution! A Revolution, do you hear?! Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go call every store within a 500 mile radius and harass them about shipments.
Time Passes...
Oh man, I can’t believe it! I did it! I finally got one! Look at this box, it's amazing! There’s the Nintendo logo! (Licks the box) Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod. Here, smell it! That's the sweet smell of success; that's the sweet smell of ‘I have it and nobody else does’! Now just let me hook it up. HAHA look! I’m swinging my arm to hit the tennis ball, hehehehehehehehehehehehehhehe!
Huh. That's it... Well I guess that was pretty neat, let me try golf. Hmm. Pretty much the same thing huh? Well it’s still sort of fun, I think I still got my money's worth. How about this Excitetruck here… Huh. Well it doesn’t look so hot, does it? Like a Gamecube game. Well anyway, I have one. I’m sure some great games are coming out any day now.
All I have to do is wait...
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