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Choosing the proper name for a newborn child is no easy task. If you
choose something too common, your kid may turn out to be a dimwittedly
successful but utterly joyless human being like George "The Miser"
Lucas, Jay "Lowest-Common-Denominator" Leno, or Steven "I'm Seriously A
Real Cop" Seagal. But if you pick something too off-the-wall like
Moonshadow, Cockjob, or Bridge To Terabithia: Look out. Your kid'll get
hassled so much that they'll probably end up going all cutty-cutty or
shooty-shooty before they've even reached their fourteenth birthday,
and that's not something any parent wants.
 
So, as with most things in life, the secret here is to find a happy
medium. Choose a name that's just quirky and original enough to turn
some heads, and your baby is almost assured a place within the pantheon
of Happy Successful People With Cool Names like Galileo
Whateverhislastnamewas, Nicholas
If-Jesus-Christ-Had-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barbon, or
Bobcat Goldwaith.
 
So to help you on your way, here is my exhaustive list of the Coolest Baby Names
Of All Time.

 
 

NAMES FOR CHILDREN WHO ARE LIKELY TO BE BULLIED

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Case in point: My name is Kevin. I wasn't really bullied when I was a
kid, but I probably should have been. It's not that Kevin bad
name per se, but nobody's ever going to try to make the point that
Kevin is a tough guy's name (Kevin "The Legendary" Sorbo
notwithstanding), and it's almost assured that in your entire life,
you've never once heard someone utter the phrase "Oh man, I just got my
ass kicked by this guy named Kevin."

Far more likely is that you've heard, "I'm going to see if Kevin knows
what's wrong with my computer," or "I wonder if that loser Kevin is
finished painting his stupid dragon figurines yet," or "Did you hear?
That weird janitor Kevin got arrested for exposing himself at work!" So
as you can see: Not "tough" by traditional standards, but maybe in a
spazzy nerd/serialkiller tantrum sort of way.
 
But enough about me. Here's a list of some other baby names you can
give a child if you want other kids to push them around.

  1. Bryce
  2. Clancy
  3. Jean-Paul
  4. Quincy
  5. D.J.
  6. Rupert
  7. Oliver
  8. Robin
  9. Lance
  10. Dylan

HOPELESSLY ANTIQUATED NAMES

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Does the idea of having to choose from all these newfangled
"contemporary" names give you a case of the cogitations? Then why not
give your child a head-start on curmudgeonhood by bestowing upon them
one of these antique appellations.
 

  1. Wilhelmina
  2. Erasmus
  3. Millicent
  4. Thaddeus
  5. Parmelia
  6. Urthelmine
  7. Wilbert
  8. Theodosia
  9. Ethelbert
  10. Josephus

 

BUTLER BABY NAMES

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If a person wants to be a butler, they've got to have the proper sort
of name. Nobody in their right mind is going to hire a butler named
"Rusty" or "Gorlick", or "The Rickster". Certain names just don't work.
That's why parents who plan on grooming their child for a life of
indentured servitude would do well to give them one of the following
names.
 

  1. Barrymore
  2. Giles
  3. Reginald
  4. Higgins
  5. Manderly
  6. Godfrey
  7. Jarvis
  8. Cedric
  9. Barnaby
  10. Nigel

 

WHITE TRASH BABY NAMES (MALE)

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It's nearly impossible to be recognized as poor white trash without a
proper hillbilly name. Luckily for all you buck-toothed,
single-overall-strapped crackers out there who've reached breedin' age,
I've compiled these lists of the top 10 coolest hillbilly names for
young'ns and also for young'nettes. Yee-haw, I suppose.
 

  1. Odie
  2. Jessup
  3. Bocephus
  4. Trigger
  5. Bumpus
  6. Jasper
  7. Jeb
  8. Cooter
  9. Harley
  10. Silas

 

WHITE TRASH BABY NAMES (FEMALE)

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  1. Bessie
  2. Lurlene
  3. Hattie
  4. Sharlexia
  5. Jasmynn Mae
  6. Trixie
  7. Rubyjane
  8. Earlene
  9. Bertha-Lynn
  10. Lulabelle

 

MOST BADASS NAMES

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My baby could beat the shit out of your baby. Give a child one of these
names, and they're practically guaranteed to become a squinting badass
who callously guns down vaguely ethnic criminals in the streets and/or
jungles of some third-world country. Cool right?
 

  1. Jack
  2. Brock
  3. Quade
  4. Cole
  5. Chuck
  6. Chopper
  7. Stone
  8. Judge
  9. Zane
  10. Knox

A BUNCH OF COOL NAMES NOBODY EVEN USES

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I have a hard time understanding why people continue to give their
children common, unoriginal names like James, Mark, or David. Don't you
people realize that each year there are thousands of awesome &
supremely original names out there which go unused? It's shameful! So
here's a list of wholly original names which would undoubtedly ruin
your child's entire life.
 

  1. Crunchtime
  2. Toblerone
  3. Sheriff
  4. Zebulon
  5. Widget
  6. Sassy
  7. Topper
  8. Stumpy
  9. Whisper
  10. Ree-Ree

 

AND SO...

Babies. If we're going to be completely honest here, what we name
children is not what's really important. What's truly important, is
that you feel affection for your child. So take baby for a ride on a
motorcycle. Light them up a cigarette. Toss them around roughly. Allow
them to chew on poisonous chemical beads you bought at the dollar
store. It doesn't even matter.
 
Babies are strong. They can take it.
 
 

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