The Script For Crash Kind Of Sucked, So I Went Ahead And Rewrote It
By
Acclaimed Film Director Paul HaggisHello, I'm acclaimed film director Paul Haggis. I've written scripts for hit family shows such as Walker: Texas Ranger, The Facts of Life, and [Hey,] Whose the Boss [Is This?], but most recently I penned the script to the (triple) Oscar winning film Crash which starred actors like Don Cheadle, Sandra Bullock, Keith David, Don Cheadle, and Brendan "That Guy From The Mummy" Frasier).
While crash was a huge success, I was never quite satisfied with the way it turned out. Due to pressure from studio bigwigs, I was forced to "tone down" my use of "strawmen and laughably ridiculous stereotypes" (their words, not mine), leaving my script toothless and borderline absurd.
So that's why I've decided to rewrite Crash entirely, from start to finish. Here's a short excerpt from the finished product. I certainly hope you enjoy it.
A LARGE SUV (BLACK) HAS BEEN PULLED OVER BY
POLICE.
POLICE OFFICER DUKE (WHITE) STEPS OUT AND APPROACHES THE DRIVER OF THE
VEHICLE, TERRENCE (BLACK). TERRENCE'S WIFE LAQUILLO (BLACK) SITS IN THE
PASSENGER SEAT.
OFFICER DUKE
Well well well, what do we have here...two blacks out for a drive, eh!? Just what did you think you were doing? You two were speeding faster than ever.
TERRENCE
I don't want any trouble officer, I am just trying to get to the bank. That's my job. I'm a bank teller, and proud of it. My wife, who is black, is here in the car with me as you can see.
UTILIZING HIS HAND, TERRENCE POINTS AT LAQUILLO. OFFICER DUKE SHAKES HIS HEAD.
OFFICER DUKE
Please step out of the car sir.
LAQUILLO THE BLACK WIFE (INEXPLICABLY SHOUTING)
I just wanted to make it clear right now that I am a strong black woman who won't take any guff from John Law! We did nothing wrong! This is profiling!
Well well well, what do we have here...two blacks out for a drive, eh!? Just what did you think you were doing? You two were speeding faster than ever.
TERRENCE
I don't want any trouble officer, I am just trying to get to the bank. That's my job. I'm a bank teller, and proud of it. My wife, who is black, is here in the car with me as you can see.
UTILIZING HIS HAND, TERRENCE POINTS AT LAQUILLO. OFFICER DUKE SHAKES HIS HEAD.
OFFICER DUKE
Please step out of the car sir.
LAQUILLO THE BLACK WIFE (INEXPLICABLY SHOUTING)
I just wanted to make it clear right now that I am a strong black woman who won't take any guff from John Law! We did nothing wrong! This is profiling!
OFFICER DUKE DRAWS HIS POLICEMANS REVOLVER AND POINTS IT INTO THE CAR. HE SPEAKS INTO HIS RADIO.
OFFICER DUKE
Code 14, code 14! I've got two live ones here, both are black and the female has expressed resentment of white authority figures such as myself. Please send backup. Both of you out of the car! Do it! Do it now! Hands on your head! Face to the ground! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
TERRENCE
Please honey, let's just do what he says so we can be on our way to the opera. Did you hear that sir? We're attending an opera. It should be obvious that we are fairly wealthy. Do you see my wife's handbag there? That is a $200 handbag. No common street criminal would carry such a thing. There is nothing to fear.
OFFICER DUKE
That tears it. I will now fondle your black wife. I am a white cop who just does whatever he wants! Keep your hole shut and watch the master at work.
Code 14, code 14! I've got two live ones here, both are black and the female has expressed resentment of white authority figures such as myself. Please send backup. Both of you out of the car! Do it! Do it now! Hands on your head! Face to the ground! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
TERRENCE
Please honey, let's just do what he says so we can be on our way to the opera. Did you hear that sir? We're attending an opera. It should be obvious that we are fairly wealthy. Do you see my wife's handbag there? That is a $200 handbag. No common street criminal would carry such a thing. There is nothing to fear.
OFFICER DUKE
That tears it. I will now fondle your black wife. I am a white cop who just does whatever he wants! Keep your hole shut and watch the master at work.
WHITE OFFICER DUKE FONDLES EACH OF LAQUILLOS BREASTS AND STICKS A FINGER IN HER MOUTH.
OFFICER DUKE
Oh hell yeah!
LAQUILLO SQUIRMS UNCOMFORTABLY, MAKING A SCREWED UP FACE
TERRENCE
Come on sir. Although I wish you wouldn't have groped my wife, whom I love terribly, but I'm willing to be the bigger man and overlook this if you'll just let us go. You've had your fun, so let us be on our way.
LAQUILLO
Terrence! He touched my boobs and face! Blarg!
Come on sir. Although I wish you wouldn't have groped my wife, whom I love terribly, but I'm willing to be the bigger man and overlook this if you'll just let us go. You've had your fun, so let us be on our way.
LAQUILLO
Terrence! He touched my boobs and face! Blarg!
OFFICER DUKE TAKES OUT SOME POLICE HANDCUFFS
OFFICER DUKE
Shut up! I've had enough blacksass for one night. Put your hands behind your backs and stick your faces in the sand! You are under arrest for speeding. I hate black people deeply due to my upbringing, but paradoxically, I find myself physically attracted to the females of their race! Unreal! Whoa!
OFFICER DUKE FINISHES HANDCUFFING LAQUILLO, LICKS HER EAR LOBE, AND MOVES OVER TO TERRENCE.
TERRENCE
Why do you hate us! I drive an expensive car and I am wearing a suit! I wasn't even listening to rap music. This is patently absurd.
OFFICER DUKE
Save it, junior. You were listening to jazz which is just as bad, if not worse. Not only do blacks enjoy it, but it is also favoured by lowlife beatniks. Now reach for the clouds, lest I make you an angel who resides in one.
LAQUILLO
Oh hell no! I am furious! I will kick your white ass to Proxima Centauri, the third star in the Alpha Centauri system!
OFFICER DUKE
What!
TERRENCE
Honey juice, you are only making this worse by using slang commonly associated with lower-class black stereotypes.
OFFICER DUKE
I'm adding threatening an officer to your list of offenses. You'll get the chair for this.
Why do you hate us! I drive an expensive car and I am wearing a suit! I wasn't even listening to rap music. This is patently absurd.
OFFICER DUKE
Save it, junior. You were listening to jazz which is just as bad, if not worse. Not only do blacks enjoy it, but it is also favoured by lowlife beatniks. Now reach for the clouds, lest I make you an angel who resides in one.
LAQUILLO
Oh hell no! I am furious! I will kick your white ass to Proxima Centauri, the third star in the Alpha Centauri system!
OFFICER DUKE
What!
TERRENCE
Honey juice, you are only making this worse by using slang commonly associated with lower-class black stereotypes.
OFFICER DUKE
I'm adding threatening an officer to your list of offenses. You'll get the chair for this.
SUDDENLY ANOTHER COP CAR PULLS UP. TOMMY THE YOUNG WHITE ROOKIE COP STEPS OUT WITH HIS GUN DRAWN.
ROOKIE TOMMY
What is going on here, I heard you call in a code 14 on the radio, which means an attack on police.
OFFICER DUKE
These here blacks were causing a ruckus. The woman made threats. Let's bash their black brains in with our truncheons and plant zip guns on them!
ROOKIE TOMMY
Stop, in the name of the law! I have no no racial prejudice due to my young age! The motto of police is protect and serve!
What is going on here, I heard you call in a code 14 on the radio, which means an attack on police.
OFFICER DUKE
These here blacks were causing a ruckus. The woman made threats. Let's bash their black brains in with our truncheons and plant zip guns on them!
ROOKIE TOMMY
Stop, in the name of the law! I have no no racial prejudice due to my young age! The motto of police is protect and serve!
BUT IT IS TOO LATE. OFFICER DUKE SMASHES LAQUILLO ON THE HEAD WITH HIS COP BATON AND BEGINS TO BEAT HER WITH IT. SUDDENLY A SPEEDING CAR DRIVEN BY AN ASIAN WOMAN COMES UP AND SMASHES INTO ALL OF THEM. THE SCREEN GOES BLACK.
OFFICER DUKE GETS TO HIS FEET. THERE IS BLOOD ALL AROUND AND THE SUV IS ON FIRE BEHIND HIM. FROM INSIDE HE HEARS A SCREAM.
MYSTERIOUS WOMAN OF UNKNOWN ETHNICITY
Help! I'm trapped in here!
OFFICER DUKE
As a sworn officer of the law, it is my job to save you!
Help! I'm trapped in here!
OFFICER DUKE
As a sworn officer of the law, it is my job to save you!
OFFICER DUKE REACHES INTO THE CAR AND PULLS HER OUT. TURNS OUT SHE IS LAQUILLO. SHE HUGS HIM AND KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK AND SQUEEZES HIS BUTT.
LAQUILLO
You saved me, my hero!
OFFICER DUKE
All in a days work ma'am. Hey, wait a second, maybe you blacks aren't so bad after all. Somehow saving your life has managed to erase a lifetime of intense racial hatred from my brain.
LAQUILLO
I am human, just like you.
OFFICER DUKE
That's right, we are all runners together in this human race. I'm cured.
LAQUILLO
I love you...
OFFICER DUKE
I love your body, and your soul.
You saved me, my hero!
OFFICER DUKE
All in a days work ma'am. Hey, wait a second, maybe you blacks aren't so bad after all. Somehow saving your life has managed to erase a lifetime of intense racial hatred from my brain.
LAQUILLO
I am human, just like you.
OFFICER DUKE
That's right, we are all runners together in this human race. I'm cured.
LAQUILLO
I love you...
OFFICER DUKE
I love your body, and your soul.
THE TWO KISS AND WALK INTO THE MOONLIGHT. THEY GET MARRIED AND HAVE MIXED RACE BABIES. THEY LOOK A LITTLE ASIAN. OFFICER DUKE'S RACIST FATHER DIES OF CANCER AND EVERYONE SHRUGS BECAUSE HEY, WHO CARES ABOUT SOME OLD RACIST.
THE END.
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