The Cynical Tourist's Guide To Florida

Let's get one thing clear here: I'm not going to be insulting Florida
as much as I did in My Tourists Guides
For Other States
. This is not because I
have more respect for Florida than Idaho or Wyoming (although this is
definitely the case), but because I am substantially less cool than
Florida.
 
See, in order for me to demean or belittle a US State's status, I must
feel (even falsely) that I am in some way superior to the state in
question. This is extremely easy to accomplish with ridiculous states
like Nebraska or Tennessee, but a reasonably popular tropical state
like Florida poses a unique problem for me when it comes to ridiculing
it. Namely: I am not cooler than Florida, nor would anybody believe I
was even if I faked it. This, of course, makes it almost impossible for
me to mock and insult it without coming off like a complete ass.
 
So, instead of deriding Florida as a whole, I will simply cherry pick
the Floridian tourist attractions I find most objectionable and
badmouth them individually. I hope this will be more to your liking.

 

MULBERRY PHOSPHATE MUSEUM

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To Florida - Phosphate Museum

Look out America, because everyone's favorite inorganic chemical salt
is back with a vengeance! Located conveniently in beautiful downtown
Mulberry Florida (Home Of The World's Largest Protosynthetic Pistachio)
the Mulberry Phosphate Museum caters to Phosphatephicionados of all
ages, colors, and creeds.
 
But don't make the mistake of assuming that only phosphate fanatics
will enjoy our exhibits! Even those who would be hard pressed to
explain the difference between a Bioinorganic compound and a
organometallic hypervalent molecule will find something to love at the
Mulberry Phosphate Museum!

Don't believe me? I don't blame you, but I can't count number time an
elderly Parkinson's patient, illiterate beekeeper, or ostensibly
Mexican child with a single crutch (read: people who aren't normally
into materials whose rock deposits are notable for their inclusion of
significant quantities of radioactive uranium isotopes) has shaken my
hand after a tour and gushed about on how an increased knowledge of
phosphates has improved their lives! You that you don't hear such
things often in our industry. 
 
Here're just a few of our most popular exhibits:

  • 18 Trilobite Fossils Which Are All But Indistinguishable From One
    Another
  • Wall-Sized Poster Of Periodic Table With "Phosphorous" Circled
  • Chunk Of Mud A Guy Found By The Railroad Tracks That Probably Has
    Some Phosphates In It
  • A Small Bowl Containing Lentils
  • 1934 Normal Rockwell Campbell's Tomato Juice Ad Covered In Light
    Dusting Of Carnotite
  • Large Sack of Phosphate-Based Fertilizer (Not For Sale)

 
So the next time you're in Florida, be sure and check out The Mulberry
Phosphate Museum. Phosphates: They aren't just one component of total
dissolved solids which can be used to indicate overall water quality in
your area anymore!
 

OLD PEOPLE

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To Florida - Old Man

People often joke about it, but It Is A Fact that a
lot of old people choose live
in Florida. This is actually a fairly good reason to visit Florida. But
then again, I'm a pretty big proponent of old people in general, so I
might be biased. But even if you look at it objectively, there are
still plenty of reasons why visiting (or living in) Old-People-Centric
areas is a good idea. Here are some:
 

  • Old people often smell good due to the fact that they can't smell
    the
    perfume or cologne they are putting on and thus use too much.
  • After 6PM, you'll pretty much have all the roads to yourself.
  • If you challenge a random passerby to a fistfight, you will have
    a
    higher-than-average chance of winning.
  • There's a pharmacy on practically every corner.
  • If you befriend a lonely old person, there's a 65% chance they
    will
    leave you money when they die.
  • If you see a house you like, you probably won't have to wait long
    for
    it to go on the market.
  • Old people are good neighbors to have, because they often can't
    see or
    hear anything you do and even if they could they would likely just
    complain passive-aggressively about it to whoever was around at the
    time.

 
Sounds like paradise, no?
 

THE HOLY LAND EXPERIENCE

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To Florida - Holy Land

For those who are unfamiliar (and I would like to assume that's most of
you), The Holy Land Experience is a "Christian Amusement Park" located
in Orlando Florida. But maybe that's selling it a bit short. Here's the
description off the park's website:

The Holy Land Experience is a living, biblical museum that
takes you
7000 miles away and 2000 years back in time to the land of the Bible.
Its combination of sights, sounds, and tastes will stimulate your
senses and blend together to create a spectacular new experience.
 
But above all, beyond the fun and excitement, we hope that you will see
God and His Word exalted and that you will be encouraged in your search
for enduring truth and the ultimate meaning of life.

I had the privilege of visiting The Holy Land Experience a couple of
months ago, and I must admit that while great fun for those whose
wombs/rectums are filled with Christ's seed (and really, whose
aren't?), however, I did notice two areas in which they could improve
their service:

1. Upgrade To Actual Beatings

While it's true that The Holy Land Experience features an attraction in
which an actor (playing Jesus) is beaten and crucified, I have to
question the park's lack of faith in Our Creator for choosing not to
take it further. Why not perform actual beatings of unwilling
park-goers chosen at random to really drive the message home?
 
If you ask me, there's really no better way to teach a child about the
alleged sacrifices of the Jesus character than by having guards dressed
as Roman soldiers cackle ruthlessly as they flay the skin off his back
with a barbed cat 'o nine tails. In addition, if the boy happens to be
harboring any latent "gay" in his soul, it will slowly be bled from his
body though each gaping wound which is inflicted upon his tender
backflesh. So hey: Bonus!

2. Bar Homosexuals From Entering The Park

I realize that as a public business this park is not allowed to
discriminate against anyone based on their race, gender, or sexual
orientation (thanks for that, democrats!), but the very least, I feel
like the employees should make SOME attempt to convert or shun the gay
who enter the park.
 
As it stands currently, homosexuals are treated exactly the same as
"regular" guests and not harassed or proselytized to in the slightest.
Not only is this offensive, it is also blasphemous. The bible clearly
states that homosexuals should be stoned death, not that they should be
given park maps and allowed to buy $50 Veggie Tales DVDs at the
Jerusalem Market and go on the 10 Commandments Climbing Wall.
 

But don't let either of these criticisms make you think that I was
disappointed with The Holy Land Experience. So enthralled and
overwhelmed was I by the Kingdom Of Heaven which was revealed to me
though the park, that it was (and continues to be) difficult for me to
refrain from blowing my brains out so I can join The Lord as soon as
possible.

And if that's not a glowing recommendation, I don't know what is.
 

 

SMALLEST POST OFFICE IN THE UNITED STATES

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To Florida - Post Office

Although I have never visited this particular attraction (because shit,
why would I?) I have heard tales of it's greatness told far and wide.
This former irrigation pipe shed is said to combine the novelty of a
tourist-trap gift shop which sells only stamps and packing materials
with all beauty and majesty of a government-owned and operated mailing
facility.

Which is to say: Expect long lines and surly middle-aged
women who perform their jobs with a relish reserved for federal
employees who know it is all but impossible for them to get fired even
if they shat directly on the counter while masturbating with a
customer's hand and spouting the foulest obscenities known to man.
 
On second thought, that sounds like the best post office ever. Sign me
up.

 

FIRST WHITE MAN DIES IN AMERICA MARKER

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To Florida - White Man

It is a rare thing in this country to see the sacrifices of white men
honored. Our noble White Christian ancestors came to this country with
little but the clothes on their backs and a rapey gleam in their eyes,
and since that day they have experienced naught but endless persecution
at the hands of the natives whose lands they claimed as their own and
the darkskinned savages they selflessly rescued from the African
Savannah.
 
Perhaps you are aware American schools now teach Black history and
American Indian history in schools, but not White history? This is
beyond offensive. What has a white man ever done to deserve such
treatment aside from possessing beautiful golden blonde hair, failing
to commit a single crime, or goodnaturedly preparing your taxes for a
nominal fee? Nothing, that's what.
 
So God Bless you, Nameless White Man Who Erected And Subsequently
Failed To Make Accommodations For The Upkeep Of This Monument (it
appears to be in fairly bad shape), for without you, the concept of
White People having died in America would have been lost in a sea of
nonwhites reminding us how many thousands of their ancestors we
persecuted and destroyed.
 

FLORIDA: SLIGHTLY LESS BORING THAN MOST OTHER STATES

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To Florida - Nascar Balm

I think the biggest takeaway I got from researching this article is
that Florida actually doesn't seem half bad. I mean, it's not like I
would go there ON PURPOSE or anything, but if I was kidnapped and taken
there, I think I'd probably stick around another couple of days after I
was freed, just to see what's what. Provided, of course, that my
kidnappers didn't mutilate me or my genitals in any significant way.
Stuff like that tends to put a damper on a vacation.

But in any event: Thank you Florida, for being the state that you are.
I may not ever deliberately visit you, but I'll be goddamned if I don't
find you at least mildly to moderately interesting in a purely
hypothetical sense
 

 

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