6 Driving Myths: Busted (Spectacular!)

It's surprising to me how little most people actually know about cars. Everyone drives them, but it's rare for a person to pop the hood and gander at the green guts of these great beasts of the road. For example, the other day I was chatting with my friend XtricitY, and he made the outrageous claim that a souped-up honda civic could best a stock dodge viper in roadbattle. I set him straight (natch) but not before coming down with a gnarly headache, which was no doubt brought on by my friend's terrifying ignorance.
 
But I suppose you can't expect people to do their own scientific research in these troubled times of ours...I'm sorry to say that youtubes has overtaken the dictionary and thesaurus as the reference book for our generation. It's a sad state of affairds. But hey, you didn't come to hear me wax prophetic about the death of sneakernet, so let's get to some little known facts about cars! Verooom!
 

We've been told our entire lives that speeding is bad. Balloney! Here's a fact for you: 99% of all car accidents occur at or below 90 miles per hour. Pretty astonishing, no? So why exactly do so few accidents happen at high speeds? Listen and learn, kiddies.

Fact: Speeding Heightens Reflexes

Anyone who's ever driven a car at high speeds knows exactly what I mean. Whenever a person drives fast, adrenaline begins to pump from his heart to his brain, increasing his fight and flight response. This means not only can he react to any danger (such as a dead child or a garbage in the road) at lightning speed, but the increased fear he feels means he is less likely to take risks.Think about it: When is the last time you changed lanes without signaling, turned the channel on the radio, or flipped the dirty-bird to another driver when you were in fear for your life? That's right, never. Strike one.

Fact: Look at NASCAR Drivers

Those boys pull off some bitchin' manuevers at high speeds! Sccreeeeet! Knock it into first gear on the straightway! Green flag! Pop open the wine coolers!

Strike Two.

Fact: Speeding Adds Downforce

For those who don't know it, downforce is defined as the ability for gravity to push your car towards the earth. As a car goes faster and faster it begins to exert less pressure on the ground below it (since it's DOWNWARD momentum is being exchanged for FORWARD momentum) and this allows gravity to push it towards the ground even harder, streamlining it and making it easier to control.

If you're having a difficult time imagining how this would work, try this experiment. Stand still next to a wall and push on it. You'll see it's easy to put a lot of pressure on that wall. But now try running as fast as you can and try to push on that same wall while you run. You'll barely be able to push at all. This is how gravity works too. So in a car, at faster speeds you get greater downforce, better steering, and better gas milage. Amazing no?

Strike three.

2. Old People Can't Drive For C$%#

We've all heard the stories: An old woman steps on the gas instead of the brakes and smashes through the front wall of the drug store, killing four. While these stories might be good for a laugh, the truth is that hundreds of senior citizens drive on our roads each day. And that's no laughing matter.
 
Just think of the last time you were in traffic, and some old crone was puttering along in the lane in front of you going 55 in a 60. Whe something like this happens, you have little or no time to react! A number of times I've actually had to swerve into oncoming lanes or shift into reverse to avoid a rear-end crash. Not only is this dangerous, it's a hazard. It's a wonder more accidents aren't caused by all this old trash blowing around in on our streets.
 
So people over 50, listen up: You have cable TV, meals on wheels, and prescriptions can be delievered. THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. Stay there if you know what's good for you.
 

3. Marijuana Driving = Safe

You may have heard your local corner store stoner babbling about this one day as you popped in for a Mountain Dew: "When even I pop a spleefy I can drive even better than while sober!" he might have been heard to remark after popping up a mary jane or two. Most people would dismiss this sort of herky-jerky jibberjabber as fiction, but in fact it is not! It's true!
 
Numerous studies done by scientists and industrial engineers have shown that driving while weeded up is actually beneficial to some people. It's crazy, I know, but 100% true! The reasons for this are actually quite simple if you know anything about this drug. Here's the least you need to know about the positive effects of marinjaua.
 
1. Increases Blood to Eyes. Some scientists believe this might account for better sight in those who pop a weed pill before hitting the trails.
 
2. Causes Time to Slow. At first this seems like a negative, but when driving, it's greatly beneficial. Imagine being in a Matrix-style battle scene, except in your car! One can really see how this could help avoid accidents.
 
3. Makes You Laugh. And in my eyes a happy driver is a safe driver. Who can imagine a pot-puffer shouting at a jaywalking pedestrian or cutting off a slow-moving van? Maybe in a comedy film, but not in real life!
 
But as with all things in life, positives always come with negatives. Here's some of the downsides you can expect when you suck on that pipe:
 
1. Nausea. Ganji is known to cause this in many patients. Watch out!
 
3. Higher Instance of Rape. Those who smoke it and those who spend time with smokers are far likelier to be sexually raped (or worse). Yikes.
 
4. Losers Smoke. We might have had a bit of a laugh here to day, but remember that marijuana weed is dangerous and immoral. The Baron doesn't condone taking drugs of any kind. Stay off the leave and stay in school, kitties. And that's the bottom line.
 
Continue on to PART 2 of this article.