Worthless Guide to Drugs Part 2: Ups & Downs

By Henry
Part 1 of this guide, I talked about a bunch of different drugs (Heroin, Marijuana, LSD, and Mushrooms) and gave you advice on whether or not you should take them. In this portion I’ll let you in on the secrets of a few more drugs, and also give you a coupon code you can redeem with your dealer for a free drug (participation may vary). Also, for the first time ever, we’ll ask small children on the street for their opinions on these hard drugs. The answers they give may shock you.

Part 1 - Heroin, Marijuana, LSD, Mushrooms
Part 2 - Meth, Ketamine, Alcohol
Part 3 - Cocaine, Caffeine, Tobacco

History
A Japanese scientist created meth in a laboratory in the 1890s. I can’t reveal how exactly he did it (it’s a trade secret) but it was probably pretty neat. Since it was invented by a Japanese guy, Japan technically owned the rights to meth, and they weren’t giving the recipe to just anybody. Then World War II came around and a Japanese scientist said “Oh well what the heck, let’s give this junk to our good friends over in Germany, I’m sure they could use a little pep in their step!” All the other Japanese people just looked confused and shook their heads because none of them spoke English, so then he said it again in Japanese and they all nodded in a very Japanese way and said “Mmmm.”

The Germans didn’t have anything better to do, so they started giving the stuff to their troops to see what would happen. Once they were dosed with meth, the soldiers began behaving strangely. Many became heavily muscled and began bellowing and punching through walls to reach enemy troops, others gained the ability to fly short distances, and a few became impervious to bullets (or at least they believed they did). All in all it was a great time to be a German (unless you were Jewish or a gypsy or gay).


After the war, American physicians were so impressed by the loss of appetite, insomnia, rapid tooth decay, and panic attacks experienced by German soldiers that they decided to begin prescribing it to civilians. Love for this wonderful concoction grew and grew, and today Methamphetamine is more popular than ever. Even kids love it!


Effects

• Euphoria
  Wow, big deal, what drug doesn’t provide euphoria these days? Meth is going to have to do a lot better than this if it wants to hook even more users.
  
  
• Talking Way Too Much
  People on meth just don’t know when to shut up! They babble on all the time about things no normal person could possibly care about, and half of it doesn’t even make sense. Most of the time it’s really childish too, as if you’re inside the head of a 10-year-old who just drank sixteen cans of Mountain Dew (and before you ask: No I am not on meth).
  
  
• Faster Reflexes
  If you take this drug your reflexes will be ultrafast. You might use this ability to pickpocket an unsuspecting noblewoman in a fraction of a second, more easily leap from rooftop to rooftop while people down below point at you and shout “there he goes!”, or you could even lift the corner of a storekeeper's tent in order to lay your hands on a bag of sweet sweet dates in mere moments. These things make methamphetamine the drug of choice for enterprising medieval street urchins who are just trying to make an honest dollar.
  
  

  Please sir, spare a copper for me ailin' mum?

• Meth Mouth
  All of your teeth rot out of your skull. While this might seem like a negative, there are actually some positive things which come out of not having any teeth:
  
  
  • Don’t have to eat apples
    
    
  Actually that’s the only positive I could come up with. Still it’s a big one for me. I really don’t like apples.
  
  
• Sexy Time
  People who pop that lovely meth just can’t seem to stop getting free-kay. I found a description of what happens, but it’s pretty racy, so I’ll substitute names of pokemon for the more inappropriate words so kids won’t know a thing about it:
  
  
  Among the effects reported by methamphetamine users is an increase in the need and urgency for Charizard, the ability to have Machamp for extended periods of time, and an inability to Bulbasaur or reach Pikachu or physical release, in addition to increasing the need for Jigglypuff and enabling the user to engage in prolonged Squirtle.
  
  
  Hot!

Advice
Hmm, let’s see… oh yeah: DON’T TAKE METH.



History
This drug was first developed for use in veterinary medicine. In the old days it was thought that the best type of horse therapy would be to tranquilize the beasts with a hallucinogenic anesthetic so they could have fun out-of-body experiences. After being injected with this drug, some horses reported the feeling of flying through space with long-dead famous horses such as Seabiscut, Black Beauty, and the horse from the Muybridge photographs. Overall, the horses had a good time.

Then a doctor who was about to shoot up a horse with some Ketamine accidentally slipped on a wet maple leaf and injected himself with it (the ketamine that is, not the leaf). “Uh oh,” He thought, “This is going to be interesting.” And he was right. He went into a sort of mini-coma and when he awoke the horses told him he had been laying on the floor for a few hours. He never did tell anyone what he saw, but from that day forward he refused to use any public bathroom unless his wife would sit in an adjoining stall and play Greensleeves on a flute. Anyway, kids and junkies eventually found out about Ketamine and started dosing with it. And that’s that.


Effects

• K-Hole
  When a person takes the right amount of this drug, their mind gets into a state that people like to call “in the K-Hole” (because Ketamine starts with a K, GET IT?!) Anyway, they say that this is like having a near-death experience. It sounds like a Ketamine (or near-death) experience might be a lot of fun if you don’t mind cosmic despair.
  
  

  Wheeeeeeeeee!

• Communication with Unknown Forces
  You may have the opportunity to have a chat with unknown or otherworldly forces when you take this drug. If you get this opportunity, by all means take advantage of it! Here are some funny jokes to play on them:
  
  
  1. Offer to play “20 Questions” with the spirits, and then pick something like “8 molecules of boron” as your answer. The spirit will never guess what you were thinking of, and even if it does, just lie and say that wasn’t it
     
     
  2. If The Force starts asking questions that make you uncomfortable, like “are your mommy and daddy home” or “you sound pretty, can you send me a picture of you in a bathing suit?” DO NOT answer these questions. After you recover from the drug, tell an adult
     
     
  3. Reveal intimate or personal details in an attempt to make the spirits uncomfortable. Then, in the awkward silence that follows, whisper “I love you” and begin to cry
     
     
  4. In case the otherworldly force is artificial intelligence, make a statement like “Everything I say is a lie.” This will put the AI into a logic loop and it should destroy itself
     
     
• Spiritual Experience
  If you’re religious or “spiritual” (pretentious) you might have a life-changing experience on this drug. People who believe in shamanism or witchcraft may talk to trees or a wood nymph, Christians might get a hug from Jesus or Moses, and atheists may be enveloped in an uncaring sphere of nothingness and desolation (actually this is not so different from real life).
  
  

  Alright monkey, deal me in!

• Perception Changes
  Your perception of time, distance, scale, color, etc, might change. So if a blue midget ran in and started jumping up and down slowly in the doorway across the room, you might yell “Aaahhh! Stop jumping around directly in front of my face you flesh-colored giant!” This also means you probably shouldn’t try to play pictionary while you’re on this drug. Not like it matters anyway, pictionary is a pretty stupid game if you ask me.

Advice
Doesn’t take a genius to figure out what I’m going to say here: Don’t.



History
The cave people were the first to discover alcohol. A caveman was in his house one day and decided to invent the barrel. He did this, but found that he didn’t have anything to put in it, so he threw a bunch of grapes in there just to test the thing out. Then an interesting show came on TV and he forgot all about the grapes for a few months. When he finally remembered, he opened the barrel and drank the sweet liquid inside. Then his wife came home and started complaining because he hadn’t swept the floor of the cave or emptied the dryer. He smacked her across the face and invented stairs so she could tell her friends that she had fallen down them. And so the first alcoholic was born. Not much has changed since then, except someone else invented hamburgers, which is pretty cool.

Effects

• Becoming more Self-confident or Daring
  On a website they listed this as an effect of drinking. This must mean that people who drink are likely to do things like this:
  
  
  • Performing Stunts in a Biplane
    
  • Jumping Chasms
    
  • Eating at White Castle
    
  • Rescuing Damsels in Distress
    
  • Feats of Strength
    
    

Hnnnngaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

• Impaired Speech
  Thhisssh iss a common mefect of drinkinalot of alccaaahall, yoocan’t talk good or nothing or even speaklikea gentttlemen do. and today algernon did the maze faster then me ms kinnian said I did good thoug. I dint know rats were so smart.
  
  
• Hangover
  The morning after a night of heavy drinking and uncontrollably lolling your head back and spewing forth a fountain of pink vomit, usually you will have a hangover. This is your body’s way of saying “AAAAAAHHHHH! STOP DRINKING SO MUCH!” It’s probably best just to ignore it and try out mythical hangover cures instead. Here are a few little-known alternative remedies you can try:
  
  
  • Lick the icing off a banana nut pie using a friend's genitals
    
  • Suckerpunch a monk
    
  • Leap from a moving vehicle
    
  • Strut
    
  • Swallow at least 1 gallon of any red, pink, or off-white bodily fluid not belonging to you or a relative
    
  • Invade Poland
    
  • Taunt a dangerous ape
    
  • Call Jack Prescott, the busiest bankruptcy lawyer in Minnesota; he’s filed over 1000 cases; this is all he does, and he does it well
    

• Angerness
  You might think it would be funny for others to see you stumbling around like a wino with a lampshade on your head, and you’d be right, it is! But drinking beer isn’t all about fun and games, there is a dark side. Unhappy people who drink liquor to feel happy are in for a big surprise. Usually, instead of sitting on the couch with your arms around your friends singing Irish folk tunes, you’ll end up smashing your head through the TV set, falling through the coffee table, and ripping your neighbor’s birdfeeder out of the ground in a blind rage. Nice job.
  
  
• DNA Damage
  Yeah, I guess alcohol can damage your DNA if you drink a lot. I’m sure it isn’t important. According to Mr. DNA you can just get more of it from fossilized embryos of mosquitoes anyway if yours gets damaged, so drink away!
  
  
• Being John Malcovich
  If you drink too much you run the risk of climbing through a crawlspace and ending up in John Malcovich’s head. You might be able to kiss a woman, you might kiss a horse, or you might kiss a man, depending on what Mr. Malcovich’s fancy is on that particular day. I wouldn’t chance it: Keep out.

Advice
Drink it only on special occasions such as your birth and your death



That's the end of part 2 of the Worthless Guide to Drugs. If you have any questions or comments you can send them though the contact thing at the bottom. That is all.


Continue to Part 3