Eyepod Plus Plus


Let me just preface this by saying that I hereby refuse to use the proper “brand” spelling or capitalization when writing i-POd. I’m deliberately going to punctuate it differently every time I use it too, just to spite the OCD advertising executives over at a**le (Yeah, real big victory right? Maybe six people will see this). But oh, I decided to do sort of a posthumous review of my 4th generation MP3 player, seeing as it stopped working right after I smashed it on the counter because it wouldn't boot properly.

Scratch Resistant? Naaah!

Scratch Resistant
When I first took this thing out of the package it sure was nice and shiny. I shouted “right on!” and placed it in my pocket. In an hour I took it out again, only to find that someone had apparently pickpocketed it from me, rubbed some rusty steel wool across the face, pounded on it with a high-heeled shoe, angrily gouged pieces of it out with a chipped icepick, and then stealthily slipped it back without my noticing.

There wasn’t even anything else in my pocket except the player, but I guess the soft cotton fabric and small balls of lint were more than enough to viciously scar the finish forever. Even a light breeze would scuff this piece of crap.

Permanent Battery

Replace Battery
Customer: Hey, I just bought this thing a year ago and already the battery refuses to hold a charge!

Corporation: Why don’t you send it back to us and we’ll charge you half of what the player is worth to replace the battery with a new one which will undoubtedly do the exact same thing!

Customer: What? Can’t I just replace it myself?
Corporation: Oh no, it’s a highly specialized procedure. You’d need a clean room, antistatic body condoms, industrial-grade humidifiers, the whole works. In fact, you really can’t even open the casing yourself without some special tools.

Customer: That’s outrageous, what idiot designed these things?!

Broken PodCorporation: I will remind you that our products are very expensive sir. We spend millions of dollars on promotion. We’ve even run hip advertising spots which feature catchy songs from popular bands. Have you ever heard of the band Jet sir?

Customer: I will come to your home and I will cut your face off.

Corporation: Is there anything else I can help you with?


Glossy White Finish

White Shine
Here let me just adjust the volume a little. *Smudge* Oh, I’ll just pick this up and move it over here. *Fingerprint Splotch* Hmm, I think I’ll change tracks. *Streak* Darn, there’s something on the screen let me just wipe it off gently with the back of my hand which I’ve just thoroughly washed with oil-free soap and a 90% rubbing alcohol solution. *Huge Permanent Brown Smear Covering Entire Player*


Pod Accessory
Let me see here. You don’t get a car charger, but you get an AC Adapter, which is nice. Actually, what was even nicer was that my AC Adapter stopped charging after about a year and a half.

I had to pop it open and fiddle with some prongs and then glue it shut again. This gave me another month of it charging, and then one day I went to plug it in and it just sort of fell apart. Well done.

*#$!@%*/&#ing ITunes Software

Computer Window
Let’s say your computer has a firewall and a few other security programs which keep malicious software from hijacking your PC. Now let’s say you install the softw—ITUNES WAS ADDED TO THE LIST OF STARTUP PROGRAMS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ALLOW ITUNES TO START WITH WINDOWS?— No, I would not. Anyway, so right after you inst— ITUNES WOULD LIKE TO CONNECT TO THE INTERNET, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ALLOW ITUNES TO CONNECT TO THE INTERNET?— Motherf- no! Not right now! It isn’t even running, why would it possibly need to con—I!PODSERVICE WAS ADDED TO THE LIST OF WINDOWS SERVICES, IS THIS OK, YES/NO?—I/pod service? Do I need that enabled to use m—ITUNES WOULD LIKE TO ACT AS A SERVER, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ALLOW ITUNES TO ACT AS A SERVER?—That’s it, I’m uninstalling this piece of sh—I;POD SERVICE WOULD LIKE TO CONNECT TO THE INTERNET, WOULD Y-

Bottom Line

Hey if you still want to waste your money on an i>pod after reading all that, go right ahead, it’s your money buddy! But don’t say I didn’t warn you. By the way: if anyone knows where I can get a good deal on one, let me know. Like I said, mine's broken. What? Well I'm sure as hell not going to buy a Zune. Those things are even worse.