I have an affection for “bad” films and television shows. I suppose I get a sick sort of joy seeing unskilled people trying very earnestly to accomplish something and failing spectacularly at it. But anyway, while watching the uninspired fights in many these movies I often found myself wondering if they couldn't have been made more entertaining with a more dramatic soundtrack. So I decided to find out, and added new music to fights from Silent Rage, Walker: Texas Ranger, Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave, American Ninja 3, and Kickboxing Academy. I think the results speak for themselves.

Bruce Lee Fights Back from the Grave
Whoever the main actor is stars as some guy in a tiny brown suit who travels around fighting crude ethnic stereotypes. Why he does this remains a mystery to me, since the muffled dialogue sounds as if it were recorded from inside a pregnant woman’s womb with a Fisher Price tape recorder while the fetus played blank, crackly LPs at high volume next to the microphone.

In this particular scene he battles a large black man in a cape who becomes inexplicably violent after Mr. “Lee” refuses to answer his questions: “Who are you?” and “Do you know him?” (Referring apparently to a half-visible photograph of what appears to be Hitler with a Geraldo mustache)

The music is Burt Bacharach’s "South American Getaway", which some of you may recognize from the film Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. I would also advise those of you who haven’t seen this film to go out rent it instead of wasting your time reading this crap.

Silent Rage Silent Rage This film features megaironic superstar Charles “Charlie Chuck” Norris as a badass guy who wears boots and accomplishes things. I do own a copy of this film, but I am ashamed (proud?) to say I have not watched it yet. But I do feel that since I’ve seen nearly every other Chuck Norris film ever made (yes, seriously) that I can make an educated guess about what’s happening in this clip.

Chuck travels to a Generic Biker Bar in middle of nowhere attempts to question one of its patrons about the murder or a partner or the whereabouts of a kidnapped girl when he is gleefully jumped by the rest of the bikers for no apparent reason. This is likely because every time a “good” character in a Chuck Norris feature ever walks into a bar and begins asking questions, one of three things will always happen. He will either:

  1. Be choked from behind with a pool cue
  2. Have a liquor bottle smashed over his head
  3. Be held by the arms by two or more thugs while another punches him

The song I chose for this clip is Fleeting Smile by Brian Eno. Nice song, right?

Kickboxing Academy Kickboxing Academy Ten or twenty years ago, a low-budget film like Kickboxing Academy might never have been greenlit, and the world would have been a less joyful place because of it. Ha, just kidding, obviously this movie is crap. The plot goes something like this: Two nerds get beat up on a beach by some random passersby. They decide to join a kickboxing school (which does not actually teach kickboxing) and then the movie just sort of circles the toilet for another hour or so. People fight, lessons remain unlearned, the credits roll, and the audience gently sobs while clutching a pistol in their lap.

In this scene, an anemic kid who vaguely resembles Tommy from Power Rangers fights some A.J. Soprano clone for the right to give an average-looking girl in a 1950’s fuzzy sweater a ride home.

Music: Rancid - Axiom

Walker: Texas Ranger - The Fountain Texas Ranger Listen: Walker and his girlfriend are wandering around some kind of outdoor restaurant when they spot bunch of fully clothed cowboys shouting and wrestling around in a multilevel fountain. Chuck and the girl climb in and start brawling too. Someone gets shot, a bunch of guys get kicked in the head, and then a dying old man sputters out “You gotta…save the horses.”

Hey don’t ask me, I even watched the damn show and I couldn’t tell you what the hell was going on.

The music is Stanley Meyers - Cavatina a great song from The Deer Hunter, a movie which would have been great, except the director forgot to edit out about 2 hours of somebody’s wedding reception from the beginning of it.

American Ninja 3 American Ninja American Ninja 3 is the third in a series of what I assume to be PBS documentaries chronicling the lives of Ninjas. All I’ve really been able to gather from watching 3 of these 5 films is that ninjas don’t actually do anything. They aren’t skillful, they aren’t stealthy, and they also aren’t charming, intelligent, or interesting in any way. They also are not even remotely funny (which any non-mentally challenged person could figure out by reading anything ever written about them on the internet, this very paragraph included).

In this fight, the dullwitted main character fights a puffy-haired evil white manwoman in a low-budget laboratory set. The evil guy turns a bunch of nude statues turn into guys in red footy pajamas and the ninja kicks them into tables and things. Wow.

Music: "No. 8 Danse des Coupes" from Swan Lake

Music: Basil Poledouris - Riddle of Steel / Riders of Doom from Conan the Barbarian

And that's that. Also I need to give credit to the guy who created the awesome intro/outro melody for all the videos. You can check out his infinitely more useful site HERE. Good night.