I have an affection for “bad” films and television shows. I suppose I get
a sick sort of joy seeing unskilled people trying very earnestly to
accomplish something and failing spectacularly at it. But anyway, while
watching the uninspired fights in many these movies I often found
myself wondering if they couldn't have been made more entertaining with
a more dramatic soundtrack. So I decided to find out, and added new
music to fights from
Silent Rage,
Walker: Texas Ranger,
Bruce Lee Fights Back
from the Grave,
American
Ninja 3, and
Kickboxing
Academy. I think the results speak for themselves.
Bruce Lee Fights Back
from the Grave
Whoever the main actor is stars as some guy in a tiny brown suit
who travels around fighting crude ethnic
stereotypes. Why he does this remains a mystery to me, since the
muffled dialogue sounds as if it were recorded from inside a pregnant
woman’s womb with a Fisher Price tape recorder while the fetus played
blank, crackly LPs at high volume next to the microphone.
In
this particular scene he battles a large black man in a cape who
becomes inexplicably violent after Mr. “Lee” refuses to answer his
questions: “Who are you?” and “Do you know him?” (Referring apparently
to a half-visible photograph of what appears to be Hitler with a
Geraldo mustache)
The music is Burt Bacharach’s "South American Getaway", which some of
you may recognize from the film
Butch
Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. I would also advise
those of you who haven’t seen this film to go out rent it instead of
wasting your time reading this crap.
Silent Rage
This
film features megaironic superstar Charles “Charlie Chuck” Norris as a
badass guy who wears boots and accomplishes things. I do own a copy of
this film, but I am ashamed (proud?) to say I have not watched it yet.
But I do feel that since I’ve seen nearly every other Chuck Norris film
ever made (yes, seriously) that I can make an educated guess about
what’s happening in this clip.
Chuck travels to a Generic Biker
Bar in middle of nowhere attempts to question one of its
patrons
about the murder or a partner or the whereabouts of a kidnapped girl
when he is gleefully jumped by the rest of the bikers for no apparent
reason. This is likely because every time a “good” character in a Chuck
Norris feature ever walks into a bar and begins asking questions, one
of three things will always happen. He will either:
- Be choked from behind with a pool cue
- Have a liquor bottle smashed over his head
- Be held by the arms by two or more thugs while another
punches him
The song I chose for this clip is Fleeting Smile by Brian Eno. Nice
song, right?
Kickboxing Academy
Ten or twenty years ago, a low-budget film like
Kickboxing Academy
might never have been greenlit, and the world would have been a less
joyful place because of it. Ha, just kidding, obviously this movie is
crap. The plot goes something like this: Two nerds get beat up on a
beach by some random passersby. They decide to join a kickboxing school
(which does not actually teach kickboxing) and then the movie just sort
of circles the toilet for another hour or so. People fight, lessons
remain unlearned, the credits roll, and the audience gently
sobs
while clutching a pistol in their lap.
In this scene, an anemic kid who vaguely resembles Tommy from
Power Rangers
fights some A.J. Soprano clone for the right to give an average-looking
girl in a 1950’s fuzzy sweater a ride home.
Music: Rancid - Axiom
Walker: Texas Ranger - The Fountain
Listen:
Walker and his girlfriend are wandering around some kind of outdoor
restaurant when they spot bunch of fully clothed cowboys shouting and
wrestling around in a multilevel fountain. Chuck and the girl climb in
and start brawling too. Someone gets shot, a bunch of guys get kicked
in the head, and then a dying old man sputters out “You gotta…save the
horses.”
Hey don’t ask me, I even watched the damn show and I couldn’t tell you
what the hell was going on.
The music is
Stanley
Meyers - Cavatina a great song from
The Deer Hunter,
a movie which would have been great, except the director forgot to edit
out about 2 hours of somebody’s wedding reception from the beginning of
it.
American Ninja 3
American Ninja 3
is the third in a series of what I assume to be PBS documentaries
chronicling the lives of Ninjas. All I’ve really been able
to gather from watching 3 of these 5 films is that ninjas don’t
actually do anything. They aren’t skillful, they aren’t stealthy, and
they also aren’t charming, intelligent, or interesting in any way. They
also are not even remotely funny (which any non-mentally challenged
person could figure out by reading anything ever written about them on
the internet, this very paragraph included).
In this fight, the
dullwitted main character fights a puffy-haired evil white manwoman in
a low-budget laboratory set. The evil guy turns a bunch of nude statues
turn into guys in red footy pajamas and the ninja kicks them into
tables and things. Wow.
Music: "No. 8 Danse des Coupes" from Swan Lake
America’s Most
Wanted Bonus Battle!
This one is probably funnier if you don’t know anything about it. Or
maybe not.
Music: Basil Poledouris - Riddle of Steel / Riders of Doom from
Conan the Barbarian
And that's that. Also I need to give credit to the guy who created the
awesome intro/outro melody for all the videos. You can check out
his infinitely more useful site
HERE. Good night.
