The first day of work can be stressful, so I decided to write some tips for people who are going to have their first day of work soon. It includes many different things, like what you should wear, acceptable coworker greeting procedure, how to get rid of those first day jitters, and so very much more. Well actually I'm not going to lie to you: There isn't anything more besides that stuff. But what is there is fairly good, as far as things go. I'd probably give it a 6/10, if I had to give it something.

Deciding what to wear on the first day of work can be stressful in and of itself. Before heading out for the day, you may want to consider having a quick glance over the company handbook to see if they've included any information about dress codes. Alternatively, you could just wear whatever you feel like wearing until someone complains. This is usually the approach I take. If you decide to go this second route though, here are some basic fashion guidelines you should follow:

Don't you dare come to work with a bowl cut!

These are the fashion equivalent of sex with a fourteen year old. Don't even think about it.

It takes a real man to rock a leather vest, especially if he goes shirtless underneath. But I always say: "If you got the guns, why not flash em?"

Listen, if you want to wear sunglasses inside an office building or whatever, I'm not going to stop you.

This practice is acceptable ONLY if you were wearing the glasses "so you could, so you could, forget your name while I collect your claim." Otherwise, forget about it.

Short Shorts

Who wears short shorts? Well apparently, you do. But seriously, who am I to tell a man not to wear short shorts? Go for it dude.

Hey, aren't bolo ties that one kind of tie Colonel Sanders wears? If so: Awesome.

What follows is a simple list of UNACCEPTABLE greetings.
 

How's It Hangin

Questions like this are considered quite rude in the workplace. If you're so interested in the state of other people's genitalia you can install a hidden toiletcams in the bathroom like the rest of us.

Listen up, here's how to handle these if you don't want to get sued.

Whatup/Wazzap/Sup?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

P.S. No.

Yo

Alright, here are the only people who are allowed to say yo:

1. Sylvester Stalone
2. A neighborhood guy yelling at another guy because the second guy forgot his wallet on the counter at the deli and it about to walk out the door without it
3. A Young Tony Danza
4. Someone who has just had a beverage spilled on them

Aaaaayyyy, lookoo it is! (makes crude masturbatory gesture).

Do this.

Alleviating stresses

As I said at the outset: The first day of work is probably going to be stressful. This can be problematic, because, as they say, you only get to make one first impression. So try to imagine, then, the first impression one would make with his new coworkers he were to go staggering through the building drenched in sweat and pulling at the collar of his shirt simply because he is nervous for the first day of work. It would be a scandalous affair, to be sure.
 
So what can be done to combat these first day jitters? Prescription drug abuse are one possible solution. For legal reasons, I will not officially recommend this, but it has been said that medicines from the Benzodiazepine class (such as Clonazepam and Lorazepam) are very effective at combating the anxieties or troubling physical tics which might be brought about by first-day jitters.
 
Don't overdo it though, Benzodiazepines are well-known date-rape drugs! By abusing these substances, you risk unintentionally exposing yourself to inappropriate hand or face love by a lustful coworker (or at the very least: a thorough groping by members of the on-site janitorial staff).