A Free Chair? No Thank You Sir.

Supply GuysThe following is a true story (yes, really). Recently, an online office furniture supplier contacted me via email claiming they had an offer which would be 'mutually beneficial' to both of us. I was skeptical, but also curious, so I sent a message back asking what was what. Here's the gist of the reply I got:
 
WE WOULD LIKE TO SEND YOU A 100% FREE PRODUCT OR CHAIR TO EITHER USE YORUSELF OR DONATE TO A LUCKY READER!!!!! ALL WE ASK IS IF ONLY YOU WOULD ALLOW US TO DRAFT A 100% ORIGINAL ARTICLE REVIEWING THE CHAIR (OR PRODUCT OF COURSE!!) FOR YOU TO THEN PUT ON YOUR WEBSITE FOR THE READERS!!! PLEASE LET US KNOW IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THIS IONE OF A KIND OFFER!!!
 
Needless to say, upon reading this I became outraged and inexplicably violent. I slapped my desk with an open palm. I swept some loose sheets of paper onto the floor with my arm while shouting "AAAHHH!". I called my roommate into the office and immediately shoved him back out into the hallway, slamming the door behind him while continuing to shout "AAAHHH!". Then, after a brief cooldown period, I began typing out my reply to the email, which I have reprinted in its entirety below.
 
 
DEAR *******.com
Jack PrescottI have received your little "proposition" and I must say that I am hurt, shocked, and deeply offended by every sentiment expressed therein. Apparently you weren't aware of it, but I have a great deal of journalistic integrity. I hold this site to the highest of ethical standards. Why, just have a look at my STATEMENT OF ETHICS if you don't believe me. I think you'll find that I don't fool around.

Point: People do not visit this site for fake reviews of office furniture. No, they visit it for the fine, top-quality fare I pump out every 4-5 days! If I were to bend over and hike up my skirts for every office furniture company who came a-calling with free chairs, it would only bring into question the integrity and honesty of every other article I produce.

Burger King ManateeThe readers of this site trust me to behave in an ethical fashion whether I'm Hand Out Fictional Awards To Various Species of Animals, Simply Posting a Picture of a Shoe, or Spending Countless Hours Creating a Detailed Stereotypical Graduation Itinerary For A Fictional Southern Highschool. If I were to venture down this dark path, soon this site would be nothing but a sad little collection of poorly-constructed, dull, meandering articles held together by a collection of semiprofitable advertorial scraps. I won't have it I tell you! I won't have it!

This isn't some fly-by-night operation. This is a high-profile web destination. I even have a twitter plugin! Look! See it over there on the sidebar?! Twitter! MSNBC NEWS SITE HAS TWITTER. BLACK PRESIDENT OBAMA IS IN IT. ASHTON KIRCHNER BEEN IT. This means it is classy. Why, it's almost like the valet parking of the internet, in a way.

JedaiAnd come to think of it...what do I even NEED a chair for anyway? I already have two chairs. Nice ones too! Leather. Spare no expense. What else have you people even got over there? A mousepad? A surge protector? Some cheap piece of crap easel? Forget it! Don't need any of it! It's all worthless to me. I can't pay my bills with fifty packs of binder clips. If you're going to try to bribe me, at least do it with money; at least give me that much. I'm not roaming the streets cobbling shoes for a crusts of bread here; show a little respect. People don't know how to bribe properly anymore. It's a lost art.
 
So anyway, just in case you couldn't tell, all of this means I'm declining your offer. Count me out. Nothing doing. Thanks but no thanks. Bon Voyage. Habeas Corpus. A bird in the hand is worth two in the eye. Let he who is without sin throw stones.
 
Whatever, I'm out of here.
 
With Love,
Archconsolate Stormhammer, Najing Prefecture

 
Batkid

"Have you seen the bigger piggies
In their starched white shirts
You will find the bigger piggies
Stirring up the dirt
Always have clean shirts to play around in."