Worthless Guide To Funerals

By Kevin
Hello there, I have a question for you: Do you like going to funerals? If your answer is no, then this is the guide for you! If your answer was yes, what the hell is your problem? Well, I suppose if somebody who you really hated died, you might enjoy their funeral; but I’m getting ahead of myself. Just read the rest of this, all of you! Also, I have to tell you that I couldn't really find any funny pictures relating to funerals for this article, so I just found a bunch of funny pictures of animals who appear to be smiling.

Prefuneral

OK first of all, you’d better know what happens at a funeral if you’ve been to one. First, everyone arrives there and wanders aimlessly around the church for about 3 hours until aunt Edna arrives.
By the way, here is a message for Aunt Edna: Sure, the guest of honor may not be going anywhere, but the rest of us are still alive, and we’ve got things to do. Pick up the pace or you might just be next.
Once Edna arrives, she will most likely sit down and wait for the people who came on time to come back. This is because they’ve all gotten bored waiting for her to arrive and have gone off to go explore the basement of the church, some never to return. Finally, most of the people will come back, and the ceremony can begin. First off, it’s usually time to go stare at the dead body of that guy who died. If this seems a bit weird to you, that’s because it is. But don't fret! I have you covered on that front as well.

Tips

Here is a list of guidelines one should follow when viewing the body:

• Don’t clap or yell in the deceased’s face. The family probably isn’t going to understand when you explain that you were “just trying to see if they were really dead.”
  
  
• Sometimes, families may hold what is called a “closed casket” ceremony. This is done because either the family feels more comfortable this way, or because the deceased ratted out the mob and took a shotgun blast to the face at close range. I wouldn’t ask too many questions if you believe that the latter may be the case.
  
  
• When you reach the casket, it isn’t a good idea to loudly shush the mourners around you and then say in an obviously annoyed tone, “Would you people PLEASE keep it down, I’m trying to view the corpse!” Also, I would put down that popcorn.
  
  
• Some people think it’s funny to creep up to the coffin, peek inside, and suddenly cry out, “Oh my god, they put grandma in backwards!” and actually, that is pretty funny!
  
  
• It might be borderline acceptable to comment on how comfortable the coffin looks, but climbing in to see for yourself is definitely crossing the line.
  

The Sermon

After the viewing, you have to sit and listen to some fool (probably a priest) preaching to you for what seems like forever. They usually talk about how your great uncle Merle died peacefully, and they try to make you feel better that he’s dead by telling you he’s running around in a green field like that one on the windows XP commercials. I don’t know about you but that doesn’t comfort me. There’s no way I would ever want to go to that field. There was really creepy music playing and all the people looked like they were on ecstasy. They all sat there in the grass with their eyes glued open and giant phony smiles on their faces as they browsed MSN using their laptops. It was creepy as hell. And anyway, my uncle had a bad hip so if he’s anywhere, he’s not running around in any field.

So anyhow, the preacher babbles on for a really long time, and you just have to sit there and take it, even if you’re not religious. Interestingly enough, they leave out all that stuff about Satan flaying off your uncles flesh in the fires of hell because got a cheap thrill out of looking out the window at his neighbor's wife one day as she was bending over in the garden. But I suppose that would be a downer. There isn’t any need to make people feel sad at a funeral after all.

To keep things moving along, here are a few more rules for you to remember relating to the rest of the ceremony:

• Even if you didn’t like the person who died, you shouldn't shout "Horray!" when the priest announces that he's gone to a better place.
  
  
• If you want to have a little fun, try to get them to let you make a speech. Then you can make up a bunch of wacky stories about the deceased and everyone will totally buy them, because only a sick freak would make up stories at a funeral. For example you can say your uncle used to like to hoard pennies in his cheeks during the midget horse races he used to ride in for good luck. Then when everyone nods their head, you can scream, “Haha! You chumps! That was a lie and you bought it! Then, run and crash through the stained glass window, and run away just like president Eisenhower did at his own funeral.
  
  
• Do you remember that one episode of full house where DJ and Stephanie bash a hole in the wall of their dad’s closet with a coat rack? He comes in and is about to find out about it, when they make up that song about he likes to clean to distract him. This always bothered me because they never repaired the hole and their dad never found out about it. I think that particular episode sent the wrong message to kids about lying and it shouldn’t have been aired.
  
  
• I will end with one final tip: No matter how much you might be tempted, do not steal anything. Though, that picture of Jesus would look pretty cool in your game room… You know what, I changed my mind, steal it.
  
  

End of Death

After a bit, the funeral will be over. They usually have some stale food you can eat and some non-alcoholic drinks. You know, since people who have been wallowing in the sickening stench of death for 6 hours usually have a craving for some lady's fingers and pretzels. I would suggest that you skip the food and go for a drive or something. Just be sure not to kill anyone, or you'll have to go to their funeral too. And that would be a drag.