How to Greet Someone Without Getting Punched

Troubling GreetingFinding ways to say hello to others a burden which even the most antisocial of us must bear at some point in our lives. Some people utilize a standard "classic" greeting such as "Hi" or "Hello", while others go with more original material such as "Ahoy hoy!", "What's up rapey?" or "Nice ass, mind if I have a look inside?"

Yes, the ways of saying hello are as varied as the colors of the martian sun, and this article serves as a sort of overview of some of my favorites.
Also: you may have also noticed that I have used the word "Addendum" up there in the title, which may lead readers to believe that this article is in fact an Addendum to something. This is false. This article is not an addendum to anything. In reality, I do not even know the definition of "addendum". I just thought it sounded neat and official, so I decided to include it in the title as a service to the reader.
You are welcome.


People on Phones

Phone DudeLet us begin with one of the most common situations: Someone "greets" you while talking to someone else on the phone. This is no good. My official policy is not to issue ANY greeting to people on phones. The on exception to this rule I can think of is is the person on the phone were to glance up at me during a lull in their conversation and look at me. At that point I would take into consideration a number of other circumstances such as how much of an asshole the person seemed like, and whether or not they were an attractive woman. Then I would issue a pertinent greeting based on this information.

People Who Say "Whatup?"

Grinchy GuyIn my opinion, there is absolutely no excuse for this sort of behavior. Well, ALMOST no excuse anyway... As far as I'm concerned, there are TWO situations in which I would willingly accept this as a greeting:
1. You are Tone Loc and have been asked to say the the line during the filming of a scene for the 1994 feature film Blank Check, starring child actor Brian Bonsall.
2. There are no other acceptable situations.
Although it may be worth nothing that if you're interested in more information on Blank Check, you could have checked out my review of it, provided I had ever written it, which of course I have not.

People Who Do Not Even Look At You

Look Down SadlyIf the person seems as if they are walking very quickly and appear as if they are deliberately looking in the other direction to avoid social contact, I will issue no greeting (or perhaps resort to one of my standard low-impact salutations such as "alright" or "thanks") in the hopes that the person will, upon hearing the sound of another human voice, look at me and acknowledge my presence. This rarely (if ever) works.

I like to get their attention by using an old hitchhikers trick: Ripping my pant leg from the bottom until a large portion of my upper thigh is clearly visible, and then holding out my thumb. I've gotten more than a few dates this way.

The Slight Tilting Back of the Head Accompanied by a Widening of the Eyes.

Nelly EyesI am a huge fan of this greeting, possibly because it requires so little effort on the part of the greeter. Unfortunately for the greetee, things are not so easy. TSTBHAWE is a subtle greeting, so it is sometimes difficult to tell if you are being greeted at all.

Needless to say it should not be used in high-risk greeting situations (such as job interviews, first dates, or talkshow reunitings of children with long-lost-and-presumed-dead relatives). It works great for drug deals though (or so I hear).

The Machinegunning of "Yos" in Rapid Succession (e.g. "Yoyoyo!")

Yo Guy!While it is true that this greeting is sometimes (if rarely) used, the cases in which it is successful are even rarer still. It may be alright to use this greeting if the person you are greeting is well known to you, but if you are saying hello to a stranger, I would suggest you leave this method alone.
Usually the person utilizing this greeting simply comes off as annoying (or maybe somewhat mentally unstable - "Why is this man shouting at me? I have done nothing."), but in rare cases, the person being greeted in this fashion may actually assume the greeter is violently insane, and may seek protection in the arms of the police or a wrathful lover ("I fear for the safety of my children! Help! Constable! Help! Help! Aret! Jamais Vous!").
And so ends my Greeting Policies Addendum. I hope this advice serves you well, because I've taught you all I can. If you've got any questions, I suggest you contact your local or state representative via snail mail.
Saints Be Praised.