Guides / How To

I am not gay. Meaning: I am attracted to women and not men. Recently I went to see a movie with my male cousin, who is married (to a woman), and also straight (as far as I can figure). I hadn't eaten that day, so I decided to get two orders of sickeningly overpriced nachos and a huge Dr. Pepper. All this food was to be eaten by me and me alone, partially because my cousin was smuggling his own food in, but mostly because I am selfish.
 
The intrigue came when the clerk was to hand out the straw. Apparently he had done some calculations in his head about my cousin and I, so instead of handing out a single straw, he gave us two (so we could "share", see?) We both started to laugh, and for a moment I considered calling the clerk back over and forcing him to watch while I expressed my sincere intention to engage in sexual intercourse with females while simultaneously groping the elderly woman in line behind us. But seeing as I wasn't really offended or anything, I decided against it.
 
Instead, I decided to punish the establishment itself by casually littering with the second straw in the theater at a later time. I ended up chickening out and just throwing it away, but the lesson remains clear: Don't assume that a guy has sex with other men, because he might throw garbage on the floor.
 
But anyway, here are the top five signs someone you know might be gay.
 

Many of you might think that demonic possession sounds like "a good time" or that it might be a "neat" way for you to "get some kicks". This could not be further from the truth. Not only is being possessed by an evil spirit unpleasant, it can also be dangerous! I recall one particular story which our family pastor related to me when I was a child and would sleep over at his house on weekends and have bathing suit hug parties. It went a little something like this: A little girl was playing with a Ouija board and accidentally called forth the spirit of 15th President James Buchanan. The spirit possessed her. She then proceeded to use foul language, pulled cushions off the sofa, and casted a spell which made the water in the kitchen sink get sucked into the faucet instead of coming out when it was turned on, which was fairly inconvenient. This just goes to show you that demonic possession is no laughing matter.
 
But sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't help but be possessed by a demonic spirit. It's just one of those things that happens to us from time to time, like pimples or leg cramps or lustfully watching an entire season of Sailor Moon while drunk on Absinthe. So read on to get some tips and tricks on how to live your life as the puppet of a demon.

How would you feel if a criminal broke into your home, left with all your belongings in a truck, and then beat up your entire family (including the pets)? You would probably be pretty ticked off. But you shouldn't be, because it was your own fault for not securing your home properly! I don't blame robbers and murderers for what they do. Those who do crimes are often poor minorities (chinese or polish people) who have a hard life and a low-paying job. Simply put: They can't help but steal. Riddle me this: Would you arrest a homeless black man who stole a rich man's car to support his starving family? Of course you wouldn't, he was only trying to survive.
 
But it is still a homeowner's right to protect his property! The key is to make your house so secure that the burglar will go and burgle your neighbor's home instead of your own. It might seem cold, but it's all part of the game of life. So read on to see all the hot and juicy tips I have for securing your home against invaders.
 
(Side note: You might notice a photo of a handsome fellow over there on the left. That's me! It'll be showing up on each of the articles I write for this site from now on, so look forward to it!)

Thank-You notes are, without a doubt, absolutely integral to the way our society functions. Let's say for example that you've just attended a fantastic party hosted by Shane O'Sullivan, one of your closest Irish-American friends. Your first thought upon arriving home from the party would most likely be something like: "Wow, that sure was a great party, I'll have to tell that crazy Mick what a wonderful time I had next time I see him."

Not so fast there pal! The first thing you should realize is that calling an Irish person a "Mick" is pretty offensive. Just because a subset of people look and talk funny, are normally small in stature, and oftentimes have problems pleasing their women in bed due to their tendency to overindulge on alcohol and possibly a genetic predisposition towards small penis size, it doesn't give you the right to stereotype them with racial slurs! There might be a few Irish guys who would probably be pretty nice people, once you get to know them. But I suppose you don't care about that, do you? What a racist.