How To Be Possessed By a Demon

Many of you might think that demonic possession sounds like "a good time" or that it might be a "neat" way for you to "get some kicks". This could not be further from the truth. Not only is being possessed by an evil spirit unpleasant, it can also be dangerous! I recall one particular story which our family pastor related to me when I was a child and would sleep over at his house on weekends for bathing suit hug parties:

A little girl was playing Ouija and accidentally called forth the spirit of 15th President James Buchanan. His essence possessed her and from that day forth, she was prone to indigestion, excessive use of foul language and would, on occasion, slip into a sort of Fugue State and begin scrawling glyphs on the walls in her own excrement while shrieking in an elder tongue.
 
So as you can well see, demonic possession is not a thing to be trifled with. Read on to get some tips and tricks on how to live your life as the puppet of a demon.
 
 

Signs of Possession

Before we get started, it's probably a good idea to make sure you actually ARE in fact possessed by a demon. Here are the most common symptoms of possession:
 

• High-ish Fever
  
• Heavy Vomiting / Facial Sweating
  
• Inability to Open Jars or Cans Without Assistance
  
• Tendency to Frequently Visit or Bite Elderly Relatives
  
• Lustful Thoughts About Inanimate Objects (e.g. Task Chairs, Analog Clocks, Carpet Samples, etc)
  
• Oily Rectal or Ocular Discharge
  
• Unexplained Outbursts at Pets
  
• Extremely Violent or Reckless Behavior (Riding a Motorbike, Throwing Poisonous Snakes, Bareknuckle Rodeo, Skywriting, etc.)

 
You should always remember though that these can vary from person-to-person, so use your best judgment when self-diagnosing. If you are ever unsure if any of your symptoms may be indicative of possession, I would recommend that you contact either a licensed demonologist or local poison control center immediately, for your own safety.
 
And if you suspect that you or someone you love is being fondled or inappropriately touched by any demon or other unclean spirit, TELL AN ADULT IMMEDIATELY. Just because a revenant chooses to live it's life in an incorporeal state, it does not mean it is above the law.
 

Why Was I Possessed?

The first question a person often has upon realizing that their body is being controlled by an evil, otherworldly force is: "Why Me?" I would answer this question with another question: "Why Not You?" According to old books like the Christianity Bible and the Muslim Book of Muslims, we are all sinners and unfortunately, bodies of sinners are the favored vessels of demons. Some of you may deny that you sin, but you do whether you believe it or not.
 
For example: Have you ever picked up a penny off the sidewalk? Have you ever read from a book or magazine in the store without paying for it? Of course you have, and I hate to break it to you but when you do either of these things, you are stealing. You are stealing it and stealing is a sin. In god's eyes, stealing a penny (or reading from an unpurchased book) is no different from murdering a child or committing check fraud.

The same goes for demons. They love to posses thieves because of the darkness that lies in their hearts. This is why any human can become possessed.
 
However, there are certain types of people who are said to be more possession-prone than others. What traits do these people normally have? I'm glad you asked. You are considered HIGHLY susceptible to demons if you...
 

1. Drink Alcohol or use Medicines
2. Forget to Go To Sleep
3. Engage in Acts Which Incite Pleasure
4. Are a Magician
5. Wipe Food on the Sofa
6. Keep Primates as Pets
7. Watch Films
8. Visit Mexico
9. Wear Dirty (Soiled) Clothing
10. Own Pets
    

 

If one or more of these actions describes your lifestyle, you should be extra careful. Try to avoid demons altogether. Don't ride the subway. Don't take a taxicab or go outside. If you hear about a party where there is going to be demons, don't go. You'll save yourself a lot of trouble.
 
 

Casting Out The Demon

 Once you have confirmed the possession, it's time to get rid of that mean old demon for good! Certainly there are a number of "popular" ways to do this, but you should really only use the following methods to ensure that the spirit does not return. Follow these steps carefully:
 

1. First, Try Asking Nicely.

Many times those who are possessed will curse or "cuss out" a demon because of all the trouble it has caused them. Not only is this rude, it is also ineffective. This will only anger the darkling, causing him to stick around longer, out of spite. So why not try some compassion for once? Ask the demon to leave politely. You might be surprised at the answer you get!
 

2. Gather a Posse

If the spirit still refuses to leave, you should then proceed to ask around town to see if anybody might be interested in helping you cast out the demon. You will need at least 4 able-bodied Christian men who are stout of heart, sound of mind, and pure of spirit. These men should be at least 34 years of age and should also be virgins, possessing only love for Jesus (one of the characters from the bible) in their hearts and throbbing loins.  
 

3. Determine The Demon's True Name

Demon's are obligated by law to give their true names on request, but many use the near-anonymity of a possession as an excuse to flout the rules. If a demon refuses to give you a name or gives you a name you know to be fake, they are violating federal guidelines and could face punishment (up to and including termination). Ask to speak to a supervisor. If they refuse, record the time of the call and any other information you might have about the demon for future reference.
 

4. Read Scripture

Take turns reading passages from the bible to the possessed person. Almost any portion will do, but try to stay away from the Old Testament, as this will usually be a demon's favorite part. It's best to stick to droning, dull passages that ramble on and on about love and faith and shit like that. Many demons will become so annoyed at having to listen to these passages that they will simply de-posses the person and leave the room rather than sit through another second of it.
 

5. Douse The Person in Holy Fluids

 If there's one thing an evil spirit hates more than anything, it's holy liquids. So it stands to reason that pouring these types of things over the possessed person would be a good way to drive a demon from their body. Now you might be wondering: "Just what exactly constitutes a 'Holy' Bodily Fluid?" The answer to this question is not entire entirely clear, but the Catholic Church defines "Holy Fluids" as "A liquid which is excreted or discharged from an orifice belonging to a figure of religious significance." It is also important to note that these figures need not be Christian!
 
For example, the tears of a Pope would be considered a Holy Fluid. and would likely be extremely effective in driving a lesser hobgoblin from the body of a loved one. Here are a few other common examples of Holy Fluids:

• An Archbishop's Spittle
• Seepage from the Pineal Gland of a Rabbi
• Pus From The Gaping Chest Wound of a Catholic Priest
• The Cerebrospinal Fluid of a Cardinal
• Sweat from The Inner Thigh of St. Thomas Aquinas
• The Gastric Juices of a Buddhist Monk
• A Vial of Billy Graham's Man Seed

 
 

If All Else Fails, Learn to Live With It

If you try everything listed on this page and the demon is still around...I think you should probably just give up. My advice to you would be to learn to live with the demon (placate it with country music and sweets, etc). While I'm certain there are many resources out there available to people who are "permapossessed", frankly I can't really be bothered to do any more research on demons at this point.
 
You are on your own.