How To Spot & Capture a Homosexual

I am not gay. Meaning: I am attracted to women and not men. Recently I went to see a movie with my male cousin, who is married (to a woman), and also straight (as far as I can figure). I hadn't eaten that day, so I decided to get two orders of sickeningly overpriced nachos and a huge Dr. Pepper. All this food was to be eaten by me and me alone, partially because my cousin was smuggling his own food in, but mostly because I am selfish.
 
The intrigue came when the clerk was to hand out the straw. Apparently he had done some calculations in his head about my cousin and I, so instead of handing out a single straw, he gave us two (so we could "share", see?) We both started to laugh, and for a moment I considered calling the clerk back over and forcing him to watch while I expressed my sincere intention to engage in sexual intercourse with females while simultaneously groping the elderly woman in line behind us. But seeing as I wasn't really offended or anything, I decided against it.
 
Instead, I decided to punish the establishment itself by casually littering with the second straw in the theater at a later time. I ended up chickening out and just throwing it away, but the lesson remains clear: Don't assume that a guy has sex with other men, because he might throw garbage on the floor.
 
But anyway, here are the top five signs someone you know might be gay.
 

SIGN 1: FAILURE TO JOIN IN THE DENIGRATION OF WOMEN

Everyone knows homosexuals respect women, so it follows logically that any man who respects women would be gay. There is an unspoken rule that when an attractive woman is in the vicinity of a group of heterosexual men, each of the men must perform at least one of the following actions:
 

1. Express aloud his willingness to engage in intercourse with the woman
2. Crudely feign a sexual climax
3. Leer at her ominously while licking his lips and/or adjusting himself
4. Get the woman drunk and attempt to sexually assault her

 
NOTE: If the man in question is a current or recent member of the band ZZ-Top, he will also be expected to provide to his companions an itemized list of the various physical traits the woman possesses (e.g. Long Legs, Short Skirt, Red Shoes, etc.) This is extremely important and should not be considered optional.
 
If any man should fail to perform these duties as stated, he will temporarily be classified as a homosexual and will be jeered at by the philistinic yokels with whom he has foolishly chosen to spend his free time.

SIGN 2: BEING REASONABLY ATTRACTIVE, "KEMPT'

For good or ill, nobody ever accuses some fat slob of being gay. Obviously this sort of thinking is misguided, as gay people come in all shapes and sizes. Yes, from homeless gay Chinese midgets to enormous gay giants with pompadours, homosexuality takes all forms, so it's probably best not to try and "guess."
 
Nevertheless, many people pride themselves on having excellent "gaydar" (the ability to quickly identify a person who is gay on sight). There's a good chance that you may even consider YOURSELF to be one of these people. But how adept are you REALLY at recognizing "gay" in a crowd? Here's a quick little test I've worked up to help you find out. Simply look over the pictures of various men in cowboy hats below and see if you can which ones are gay.
 

 
 
Have you decided yet? If you guessed A B C or D, you were incorrect! The answer is E. As in "Eeeeeee...how the fuck should I know who's gay these are just a bunch of stupid photos you found by typing 'Cowboy Hat' into flickr you jackass. Eeeeee!"
 
Thanks for playing!

SIGN 3: HAVING A BEARD

It's common knowledge that all men with beards are secretly gay. Whether you're sporting a close-cropped goatee or a slightly longer rough-and-tumble biker number, you can expect to be thought of as gay. Certainly a healthy person wouldn't mind this, but many people (like raging homophobes, most of whom have repressed gay feelings in themselves) don't take kindly to being classified as a homosexual. If you are one of these assholes, all you have to do is shave the beard and continue to pretend you're disgusted with the idea of ramming your tongue down another man's throat. It's easy!
 
Protip: Once your beard grows longer than a few inches, this stereotype ceases to apply. Those who commit to growing their facial hair this long will not be discriminated against as a homosexual. Instead, they will likely be discriminated against as "That creepy straight guy with a beard who keeps staring at me and moaning".

SIGN 4: NOT ENJOYING SPORTS

Ah, sports. There's no surer sign of heterosexuality than the enjoyment of them. I mean, it's fairly logical if you think about it. Take football for example, There's nothing at all homoerotic about a bunch of well-muscled sweaty men in skintight pants grunting, hugging, weeping openly, undressing and showering together, and slapping each other's asses while a queen song plays, is there? Of course not.

Yes, football is as about as "straight" as a sport can get.

SIGN 5: PARTICIPATING IN "GAY" ACTIVITIES AS A CHILD

There are still plenty of parents out there who fear that if their "young'n does things womenfolk are meant to do" that one morning they'll wake up to find him mincing around with living room in heels and a thong, with a rainbow flag in one hand and a giant pink apparatus in the other. Obviously this notion is ridiculous (and somewhat offensive) but try telling that to these hayseeds. My childhood alone should be evidence enough that a boy can't be "turned gay" by performing various effeminate activities. Here are just a few of them.

Had Subscription to Cat Fancy

When I was a kid, my mom got me a subscription to Cat Fancy magazine. I didn't complain. In fact, I probably read every issue. Reading about cats can be fun!

Took Ceramics Class & Gymnastics

One day I decided I wanted to do gymnastics. My parents bought me a tiny green sweat suit and dropped me off at a gym once a week. There were no other boys in the entire class of about 40 children. I thought nothing of this, and happily attended classes until Super Nintendo was invented, at which point I promptly gained about 100 pounds and began to develop breasts.
 
In elementary, I stayed after school to take Ceramics. No, not pottery, ceramics. The only other boy in the class was a squeaky little blonde kid who insisted I call him J.T. even though his name was Mark. We painted ceramic dogs. I made mine pink with a powder blue collar. It's still at my parents house. That's all.

Played With Dolls

And no, I don't mean G.I. Joes and He Man, I mean goddamned DOLLS. Dolls as in Barbies. My sisters had a giant tupperware doll house (with no stairs, which still bothers me), and we imagined that the barbies were parents and troll dolls were their shriveled, malformed demon children. We gave the trolls high-pitched shrieking voices, and my mother hated us all.

Played With Girls' Legos

Like most kids I was a big fan of legos, and would often ask my dad for different sets as gifts. In 1992 (I was nine), Lego released a new line of legos which they called Paradisa. Looking back, I can see that these sets were blatantly "girly", but I didn't really give it much thought at the time. They were mostly pink & white, and they featured scenarios like "We Should Groom These Pretty Horses and Ride Them!" and "Let's All Play With The Cute Dolphins!" Nevertheless, I thought they were cool, so I pointed out the set I wanted to my dad. Here it is:
When he saw the one I had chosen, I could see the fear in his eyes. Just to be clear, my father is not exactly the sort of man you would describe as "not a bigot". For example, if I suggested that he watch the film "Milk" he would probably say something like "what do I care about some dead queer?" and then begin laughing angrily. But I have to at least give him credit for one thing, he bought the set for me without a word of argument (if with an uncomfortable cringe), so maybe he isn't too far gone into hateland.
 
So yeah, real shocker here: Just because a little boy participates in activities normally favored by little girls does not mean he is going to turn out gay. Sure, it may contribute somewhat to a higher level of social-cripplement (which was/is certainly the case with me), but it's not as if you're forcing him to jerk off a trucker and enjoy it, so stop worrying.

WRAP UP

I hope this little guide will be useful in helping all of you identify homosexual males you might come across in the future. I do hope, however, that you will use this skill for good, and not evil, as gay people have enough problems already without you harassing them.
 
Also in case anyone was wondering why this guide only focused on gay men and not lesbians, you can keep wondering, because I have no idea. I think it's just easier to focus on the male side of things because I'm sort of male.
But in the end, if you're gay you're gay, and I'm perfectly fine with that. In fact, I'm more than fine with it. I'm actually bored by it. Yes, I've come so far in my acceptance of homosexuality and now it bores me just as much as hearing about two straight people getting married. So go ahead and do whatever you want! As a fully ordained shitty-website internet judge I hereby give all the gay people in the world permission to be homosexuals. Get married, be happy, have a bunch of kids, have a boring parade, throw a superball onto the roof of a house and have it get stuck it the gutter, who cares.