How To Subdue a Nerd Who Has Flown Into a Violent, Videogame-Induced Rage

It is still not uncommon for the general public to assume that all videogamers are socially inept losers prone to uncontrollable outbursts of intense and inexplicable violence. This is incorrect. In reality, only 65-72% of males who play videogames on a regular basis fit this description, so obviously it's slightly unfair to generalize.

Also, this really only applies to these men while they're playing games. The rest of the time, they're normally quite calm (if not downright docile). But place any one of these gamers in a situation where they believe themselves to have been "wronged" or "cheated" during a game, and a whirlwind of grisly violence is sure to ensue. Very rarely will this tantrum seemed to have "come out of nowhere". More often than not there is an easily perceived buildup of hostility which takes place before The Ragestate occurs.

This article should serve to educate the rest of you in the recognition (and subsequent containment) of any videogamer who flies into this ragestate.

THE THREE STAGES OF NERDRAGE

Recognizing the events which typically take place during the lead-up to a Rage-Fuelled Videogame Nerd Outburst can mean the difference between a pleasant night spent playing games with friends and a fractured skull brought about by the hurling of a weighted gaming mouse.

Stage 1: Sullen Annoyance

The Rager may begin to believe that every negative event which affects him in the game (i.e. "The world is out to get him"). Common negative gameplay occurences (such as in-game deaths), instead of being perceived not as unfortunate happenstance, will instead be viewed as having been "impossible" or "bullshit". The Rager will often insist that "the game is bugged" or that he "lagged out" (meaning, his connection to the internet or LAN faltered momentarily). He may also imply or speculate that other players may be "using an aimbot" or "hacking".

Stage 2: Childish Accusations

The Rager will begin to angrily and directly attack others, accusing anyone who kills him of "cheating" or "being cheap". As the difference between these terms may not be readily apparent to some of you who do not play games, I will attempt to explain the distinction (as it applies to The Rager himself).

Cheating: Changing or modifying game files (usually using an external program) to give yourself an unfair advantage over The Rager

Being Cheap: Killing The Rager with a weapon or item he does not currently have equipped. Also: Utilizing gameplay tactics or techniques which The Rager is incapable of performing himself.

During gameplay, it will not be at all uncommon to hear The Rager whining or muttering things like "How did that fucker kill me, he was all the way across the map?", "What the hell was that shit, you couldn't even see me!?", or "I shot that asshole in the head like 10 times and he's still alive? Fucking hacking bullshit. Fuck."

Stage 3: Physical Acts of Violence

The final signal that a Rageburst is imminent will be the physical acts of violence such as pounding on the desk, knocking foodstuffs to the floor, or the throwing of peripherals. In rare cases, self-mutilation may also be present, often manifesting itself in the biting of (or gnawing at) one's own arm, leaving visible tooth impressions.

Depending on the level of embarrassment the Ragenerd feels, he may or may not attempt to blow these actions off as jokes immediately after performing them, often claiming that he was "just messing around." If this occurs, and the rage behavior does not continue, it is probably safe to let it go and walk away. However, if The Rager continues to rage (if the rage becomes "frenzied") you must assume that it will continue indefinitely. The Rager has become a howling whirlwind of spazdeath, and must be stopped at all costs.

PACIFICATION & HARM MITIGATION

Once The Rager has reached Stage 3 (Tooth-Gnashing Lunatic Fury), there can be no turning back. Immediate action is required on your part if you wish to avoid incurring damage to your home, property, or other guests. Any attempts to calm The Rager by saying things like "Calm down man, it's just a game" are not only futile at this point, they are overtly harmful, as they will only inspire more anger and wrath in the heart of The Rager.

Sedation

If one recognizes the symptoms early enough, it may be a good idea to attempt to subdue The Rager with sedatives. A previously inserted subclavian IV line along with a fast-acting barbiturate such as Methohexital or Sodium Thiopental would be ideal, but more often than not this is prohibitively inconvenient. In most situations you may have to resort to simply jabbing a syringe of the stuff into their jugular and hoping for the best.

It is worth noting, however, that when it comes to videogamers of more...shall we say, abundance, you may find that the needle is unable to pierce the leathery carapace formed by their hardened neck fat and unkempt, greasy beard hair. If this occurs, you may find that your insistent stabbings will only serve to further agitate them.

Moreover, even if one were to manage to inject a so-called "knockout" drug directly into their bloodstream, chances are that it would still take a 3-6 minutes to take effect. In that time, you can fully expect The Rager to have sucked your eye from its socket, swallowing it whole after severing the optic nerve with a bite.

Physical Incapacitation

If The Rage has already begun, it may be necessary to resort to less scientific methods of debilitation. These methods may include (but are not limited to):

1. Sleeper Hold (Carotid Restraint)
2. Twirling Colorful Umbrella While Doctor Who Theme Plays on Boombox
3. Nipple-To-Car Battery Electrocution
4. Lampcord Strangulation
5. Using Nude Pencil Drawing Of Slave Leia as Lure Under Cardboard Box Trap
6. Small-Caliber Bullet To The Kneecap (To Forment Immobility)
7. Direct Blow To Base Of Skull With Wrought Iron Rod

Some of these suggestions may seem fairly extreme, but you must remember that expensive videogaming equipment is at stake here. Your arrest and eventual conviction on any number of felonies is a small price to pay when compared with the cost of replacing an HDTV. Some can cost upwards of a thousand dollars! Just imagine it.

Paralytics

As a last resort, high doses of a presynaptic paralyzing agent such as Botulinum toxin (Botox) or the tetrodotoxin (secreted by the Japanese Fugu fish) may be used to immobilize the subject for an indefinite period. However, this is only recommended as a last resort, as these substances may paralyze the lungs or other essential organs, resulting in acute resperatory failure and/or death.

Still, it's nice to know you have the option.

FINAL WORDS

I end this treatise on nerd rage with a plea to all the nerd-ragers out there: Do not allow your anger to erupt during a videogame. Instead, you might consider bottling it up tightly so that it might be released in a hilarious outburst at a more opportune time.

Examples of this would be breaking down in angry tears after masturbating to an episode of Firefly, having a screaming fit during a game of horseshoes at a small child's birthday party, or half-sobbing/half-giggling as you hack up a high-priced escort you've managed to lure into your windowless basement.

But whatever you do, I only ask that you keep your rage out of the game.

Goodnight, and good luck.