How To Survive a Tornado

By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Summer is just around the bend for many of us, and with the warm weather comes the threat of deadly tornados. These twisting destructive devils of the seventh seas can level your dream home, fling your cozy trailer-shack into the air, or even kill your precious poodle Jumjugs with merely a flick of their godless wind-wrist.
 
The twistler is nature's marvel. It is to be feared, and it is to be respected. Luckily your old pal (and self-taught meteorologist) The Baron is here to help you make it through an encounter with these terrifying death tubes. Read on for 10 of my juiciest 'nader survival tips. They'll really "blow" your mind!
 
 

KNOW 5 THE SIGNS OF TORNADOS

As sad as it is, the average Joe Six packs often has trouble recognizing even the most simple signs of tornodic activity. Many of these people will continue fishing, hunting, or driving their mud suckers (off-road cars) through the wilds even as a funnel cloud reaches down to finger them.
 
Don't make the same mistake as these blimbos: Know these signs of tornado!

1. Air Pressure

Forgive me for going into hard-riding and deep thrusting science detail here, but heck, tornados are creatures of science. Air pressure is the first ingredient a tornado needs to be born. Tornados form when the air pressure in the sky is lower than that of the ground. The air pushes the clouds down forming the funnel (or shaft) which then starts tearing up the ground and causing an all-around ruckus.

2. Bright Lights

Those who have been hit by a tornado often describe seeing some bright lights, followed by a period of weightlessness, followed by more bright lights and the smell of burning sulfur and monoxide. Watch carefully for this. 

3. Low Wind-Sheer

In order for the funnel to descend, the wind-sheer (also known as the barometer pressure) must be AT or BELOW 14 knots. Any less than this and the clouds will dissipate instantly. This is one way weather scientists are attempting to control the spread of tornados along deadly "Tornado Alley". By raising and lowering the wind-sheer using complex machines, they believe they can stop 'naders forever. Frankly I don't buy it.

4. The Funnel Cloud

Yep, you guessed it. A tornado cannot take place without a funnel cloud in which it can channel it's destructing powers of death. Without a funnel cloud all you've got is a simple low-rank cyclocane (or thunderbunch as my great aunt Teddy always used to call 'em!) 

5. Warm Fronts

You might have noticed that just before a tornado hits, you feel a blast of warm, moist air in your face (along with the strong smell of fish). This is what weathermen and weathergirls call "warms fronting". I won't get into all the gruesome twosome details, but let's just say that a warm front is a lot like the black knight from Monty Python's and the Holy Grail (one of my all-time fave flicks). The black knight may not look like much, but behind that plain black mask lies a deadly killer. Twistlers can be just as deadly.
 
 

KNOW THE TYPES OF TORNADOS

The national weather service ranks all tornados on bell curve according to their destructive capabilities. This scale goes anywhere from T0 (no tornado present) to T5 (total destruction). Here's each level in detail.
 
T0: Light wind 1+MPH. Can knock over sign boards and upset the young.
T1: Very Strong Winds 100+ MPH. Can tear off clothing and cause eye irritation.
T2: Gail Force Winds 200+ MPH. Can smash up a shack or shed and topple water towers with ease.
T3: Monsterous Winds 205+ Can rip the roof off a nursing home and roll a boulder down main street.
T4: Incredible Wind Speeds 334+ MPH. Can turn a leaf into a bullet and slice a man in half with a sheet of paper.
T5: Unstoppable Brute Force 2,400+ MPH winds. Hurls skyscrapers and mountains into space. Can rip skin off a human skeleton. Luckily, this type of weather has never been seen (as of yet).

4 COMMON TORNADO MYTHS DE-BUNKED

Thanks to the internet and kooky Hollywood films, bad or incorrect advice about tornado survival is nearly as common as good advice. Don't believe everything you read folks, here are four scarily common myths about tornado survival and the truth behind them.
 

Myth #1: Stay away from the windows

This may have been good advice for cobblers, pirates, or train conductors back in the 1900s when windows were made of hard glass, but hello people get a darned clue!

Nowadays windows are made of either safety plastic or plexiglass (unbreakable, anyone?). So having a look out your window during a storm is no longer the dark danger that it once was. In fact, a window can save your life. Without windows, you wouldn't even be aware a tornado was at hand and you would likley take a bath and be killed when your house exploded.
 
Talk about all washed up!

Myth #2: Get out of the car and into a ditch

No, this isn't a hit 80s synth pop hit, it's actual tornado survival advice I once read. This advice is outdated, to say the least! Older cars did not have safety features like crupple zones, antilock-breaks, reinforced I beams, racket-pinion steering, spring suspension, v6 engine, etc. Today's modern cars do. This means that the days of sliding into a ditch whilst fleeing a V5 Tornado are over! With these features your car will be able to perform better in a rain storm and outrun most tornados easily. Also do not forget that tornados bring lightning. Cars have rubber tires. Any questions class?
 
Getting out of your car during a a lightning storm is a one way ticket to dying town. Population: yourself and whoever else was dopey enough to get out of their car during lightning.

Myth #3: Take stairs instead of elevators during a tornado

Consider: Elevators are designed by science to help their occupants survive an over 100 story fall in some cases. Why exactly are you getting OUT of the elevator during a tornado? Duh, take a clue pill, private dumbo! If you took just a moment to question what you've been told instead of behaving like the sheep you are, your brain logic would suggest that you stay inside these movable bunkers of security. I've hear tell of entire building crumbling to dust leaving only the elevator shaft to tell the tale.
 
Ladies and gentlemen the elevator has now arrived at the 10th floor: Survival.

Myth #4 Trailer Homes are Death Traps

This is complete nonsense and probably stems from the liberal media's biased against the poor. A trailer house (or properly secured)  an be one of the safest and cheapest ways to ride out a tornado. many of my relatives and lovers have resided in a trailer castle (as I affectionately call them!) and have never had any problems making it through a storm. But more on this in the next bonus section.
 

 

FREE BONUS SECTION: SECURE YOUR TRAILER HOME AGAINST TORNADOS

As everybody knows, trailer houses and recreation vehicles are like small toys to a tornado. Many times a 'nader has been known to scoop up an entire trailer court with ease and toss it into a lake, onto a train track, or into a ravine in no more than a few seconds, hurting or injuring many of the occupants and smashing up their commemorative plates.
 
The intelligent trailer-dweller will have prepared for this ahead of time, however, but tornado-proofing his beloved home. It's easy, and doesn't cost much, so why not give it a try? Here's how:
 

1. The Tie Down

First, secure your trailer to the ground using heavy-duty tent poles, and rope or twine. Get some 5 inch metal poles (not cheap plastic!) and some nylon or fabric rope which is at least 50 pound test. Then simply pound the stakes into the bedrock or soil around your home using a hammer, and run 2-4 lines of rope up over the top of your trailer. All set.
 
 

2. The Glue Down

If your trailer is up on cement blocks, glue the blocks together with some gorilla glue or heavy-duty cement bond (available at most hardware stores). Then glue the top block to the structural beam on the bottom of your trailer, and the bottom block to the rocks or pavement under your home. Surely a tornado could rip this apart, but along with the other additions it should help keep your feet on the ground!

3. The Weigh Down

Provide Counterweight. Physics says that the heavier an object is, the more difficult it is to pick up. So it stands for reason that weighing your trailer home down would be a derned good plan! If you haven't already, take some of the heavy items from your front lawn (like old phone books, fish tanks, pieces of lumber, broken televisions, auto parts, or old beer cans) and store them in the unused portions of your mobile home (the bookcase, the shower, etc). This will make it that much more difficult for the twistler to take your beloved house (not to mention your beloved self) for the ride of a lifetime to OZZ.

 

4. The Smooth Down

Make your trailer aerodymanic. Ironically, most mobile homes aren't actually meant to be mobile! Because of this, they aren't often as aerodynamic as they should be. Aerodymanicism will make it far more difficult for heavy winds or a tornado to blow over or pick up your home. Imagine the difference between dropping a marble from a building, and dropping a brick. The brick will fall much more slowly (though it is heavier) simply because it has more surface area. The same holds true for a trailer home. You can buy aerodymanics kits at any trailer parts store, or even online.

I heard one good brand is Richardson.
 
 
 

Welp, I sure as heck hope y'alls have enjoyed learning more about tornado safety from your old pal The Baron. I hope everyone has a safe and happy summer, and be sure and tell old Mike the ice cream man that The Baron sent ya!