Suicide Note
Thank-You notes are,
without a doubt, absolutely integral to the way
our society functions. Let's say for example that you've just attended
a fantastic party hosted by Shane O'Sullivan, one of your closest
Irish-American friends. Your first thought upon arriving home from the
party would most likely be something like: "Wow, that sure was a great
party, I'll have to tell that crazy Mick what a wonderful time I had
next time I see him."

Not so fast there pal! The first
thing you should realize is that
calling an Irish person a "Mick" is pretty offensive. Just because a
subset of people look and talk funny, are normally small in stature,
and oftentimes have problems pleasing their women in bed due to their
tendency to overindulge on alcohol and possibly a genetic
predisposition towards small penis size, it doesn't give you the right
to stereotype them with racial slurs! There might be a few Irish guys
who would probably be pretty nice people, once you get to know them.
But I suppose you don't care about that, do you? What a racist.


The second thing you should
know about Thank-You Notes is that by
simply calling Shane on the
telephone, you are going to wound him deeply. Why? Because instead of
taking the time to write him a simple 2-5 page Thank-You Note, you
decided to call him and tell him how GREAT his party was. Brother,
you've got a lot to learn about Thank-You Notes. Luckily I'm here to
help. In this article I will answer the most common questions people
have about Thank-You notes.


Thank You NoteThe
"perfect" Thank-You Note
will be a minimum of 2 pages
(Single-Spaced) and will contain each of the following things:

  • Heading [Include your full name with middle initial,
    address, home and work phone, email address, last four digits of your
    social security number, and your date of birth]
  • Clear step-by-step explanation of the favor which was done
    you [use italics]
  • If the favor came in the form of a gift, profess your
    intent to
    use the gift by using clumsy mock enthusiasm and awkward terms and
    phrases people don't really say in real life. [For example, If you were
    to receive a CD you might say something like: "Rockin dude!!!! We
    really appreciate the CD you gave us for a gift!! We look forward to
    literally 'crankin' up the volume' whenever we listen to it and 'jammin
    out to the max'!!!!! Thanks again!"
  • Acknowledgment that they were in no way obligated to
    perform said
    favor, and moreover that only a truly benevolent human being would have
    done such a kind thing for someone else without expecting a reward.
  • Thank You Note 2An offer
    of a cash reward [they
    should dictate a suitable amount]
  • List of ways in which they are superior to you [morally,
    sexually, physically, etc]
  • Various biblical quotations [bolded]
  • Sworn oath of passionate devotion and unconditional

If you follow these simple rules I have no doubt you'll be well on your
way to "being respected" town! No need to bring any change
either...parking is free!


Thanks Wax Man

No. This would be considered
highly impolite. What uncultured swine
like you fail to realize is that we live in a society which values
politeness above all things, especially sincerity and originality.
There's a reason 99% of the adult US population uses slight variations
on the same offensively thoughtless, idiotic, and cliched greeting
("How are you today?"). It isn't because they actually care how you are
(that would be sincerity), it's because it's polite.
You are to be a mindless, thoughtless, social automaton. The only
acceptable emotion you should be displaying to strangers is feigned
cheer (or perhaps a mixture of befuddlement and disdain if they fail to
acknowledge your presence with a stock greeting).
Please consult this chart for more information on what's likely to
happen to your standing with a friend if you do something other than
issue them a Thank-You Note for a dinner party they have thrown.

What Did You Do?

How Offensive Was It?

Likely Outcome

As you were leaving the party, you
looked the
host in the eye and said: "Thanks man, this was a really fun party."

Mildly. You did say "thank you" in
but speaking words is not the same thing as writing them.

You will not be invited to any
parties for a
period of no less than 2 months.

You stand up in the middle of the
meal with a
disgusted look on your face and walk towards the door, saying, "This
party blows goat ass. I hope all you troglodytes drop dead from
syphilis. Thanks for nothing." 


On the one hand you left in the
middle of a
meal and
made some rude and extremely offensive comments. But on the other hand,
you did
say thank you, and
that means a lot.


You will be shunned by your friend
for 3-5


You called your friend on the
phone the next
day and
said "That was a really great party last night, you're an awesome host.
I'm glad you invited me."



Not only did you fail to issue a
"thank you" in
note form, but you also failed to issue one in person.


Your friend will say "gee thanks",
hang up on
and then proceed to describe you as a "D-Bag Child Molester Who Touched
a Kid" to the rest of your mutual friends. 

You can expect to be shunned by
these people
for at least a year (if not longer).


left the party
without "saying goodbye", got
into a car accident on the way home, slipped into a coma, and died 6
months later. This means that you were never able to mention the party
to your friend (let alone thank him for it). Also, during the party you
used the guest soaps in his bathroom.


You just committed a social war

Your friend will creep into the
funeral home
night and gleefully disembowel you. Then he will proceed to drag your
naked body behind his station wagon for 4 city blocks, finally hefting
your battered corpse into a filthy dumpster full of medical waste while
chuckling to himself.


Of course, all this nastiness could've been avoided if you would have
simply taken 3-6 hours out of your "busy" schedule to write your good
friend a personalized "Thank-You" essay. I guess that's just too much
to ask of an unconventional "free-spirit" like yourself. Talk about



And finally, here's a Thank-You Note I wrote up to demonstrate
the proper way to go about it. (Please note that this is the abridged
version. As I said earlier, a proper one should be at least
two pages in length.)


The Novelty Signing Bass you gave me for my birthday is quite possibly
the greatest single gift I have ever received. I just can't get over
it. You press the button and he sings various songs, it's brilliant! So
I'm just writing this letter to say: Thank God for you.

Thank Sweet Christ on High.

I realize we've had our differences, but the obvious goodwill behind
this gift has caused my heart to beat out a different tune. The tune
that spells out: "Tom Rules!" in Morse code. And you do rule, honestly.
Sure, back when we were going out you might have "cheated on me with
hookers" a few times, but hell, what's a few cases of gonorrhea between
future best buds, am I right? Also I just wanted to say that I forgive
you for driving drunk with my mom and three infant nephews in the car
all those times. It's only not, through this astoundingly thoughtful
gift you've given me that I am able to realize how wrong I was.

The bottom line is: You're simply an amazing, fantastic, and wonderful
gift to humanity due to to the fact that you purchased something for me
at the store and then presented it to me on one of the days which marks
the anniversary of the date upon which I happened to have been born.
God bless you.

Seriously Tom, I honestly can't come up with many more ways to get
across what a wonderful guy you are. Perhaps I could compare you to
various historical figures who were known as being great people. How
about Gandhi? Frankly he was a piece of shit compared to you. Mother
Theresa? A Cheap whore. Martin Luther King Jr? I can't believe they
gave a dumbass like that his own holiday! I say we change it to "Tom
Day" seeing as you did so much more for the world than some black guy
who gave a boring speech about buses.

So hey, if you ever want to have rough sex with me while alternatively
punching me in the face and strangling me with a length of frayed
extension cord, just let me know. I'll call a sitter and be right over
(dressed like an underage anime schoolgirl fireman with inflatable


Hopefully by now you've figured out
how important these notes are. Thanking a friend properly can mean the
difference between a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship and
being stabbed by blue-haired Helen Jacobson in the shower with a
homemade soap shiv and you scream and scream and scream as the blood
washes down but nobody hears anything because they're all dead, dead, DEAD!