I Invite You To Waste Your Money On These Laughably Overpriced Appliances

In this chaotic, advertorial, multibranded world of ours, it can be difficult to know precisely how much value one is actually getting for one's money. The best solution to this problem is to carefully research your purchases beforehand, but this can take time and effort, and it's not half as much fun or easy as just buying whatever seems the neatest.
 
The other alternative is to rely on worthless folk wisdom such as "you get what you pay for". But of course, whenever any reasonably wealthy person follows "you get what you pay for" to its logical conclusion they end up driving some piece of crap Lincoln with heated seats that don't work, paying 4 dollars extra for "organic" corn chips, or buying an eight thousand dollar pair of Bose speakers because they cost a lot and thus "must have been really good."

So here's some of the overpriced crap rich people often like to waste their money on.

SUB ZERO REFRIGERATOR: $10,000-$15,000

Many people foolishly assume that the sole idea behind owning a refrigerator is to "store food and keep it from spoiling". This is incorrect. Your fridge--like all the other appliances you own--is also a social statement. Just as a higher-caste individual would not be caught dead driving a Honda Accord or Toyota Camry, one who truly possesses Limpieza de sangre would scoff at the notion of paying anything less than ten thousand dollars for what is essentially just a very large electric cooler.
 
I mean, just look how happy all those old white people are up there! Do you think they'd be half as elated with an $800 Whirlpool refrigerator behind them? Fuck no! This thing has a GLASS DOOR. Do you have any idea how expensive glass is? It's certainly not something a single mother of three could afford.
 
And that's not even the half of what this masterpiece of modern engineering has to offer. Here are a couple of other key selling points:

Hinges

I'm sure you've heard all the horror stories about refrigerator doors falling off due to hinge failure. The last refrigerator I bought didn't have hinges at all. Every time I went to get a soft drink the door would fall off and crush the brittle skull of elderly wheelchair-bound relative I had over for a visit. Talk about inconvenient.
 
Overall, I would probably rate hinges as a must-have feature when it comes to an appliance such as a fridge.

Stainless-Steel Facade

In a lot of ways, buying a stainless steel refrigerator is similar to buying an Apple product: You buy into the hype and get one cause it looked pretty in the advertisement, but the minute you get the thing home its covered with dents, scratches, smudges, and more fingerprints than a fishtank in a preschool. But hey, at least you paid 25% more for it!

Microprocessor & Interior Panel With Up Front Touch Controls

Practical people (read: poor people) might make the argument that "most people don't need microprocessors and touch panel controls on their refrigerators and the designer of this fridge obviously just included them to help justify the exorbitant price they're charging", but I don't buy this theory at all.

For example: I've recently taken a fancy to cycling the temperature of my fridges from low to high on alternate days. Without touch panel controls, I would be reduced to twisting a large dial like some sort of savage every time I wished to change the temperature. And without a microprocessor, the fridge would have no way of adjusting the temperature to counteract my manic and pointless changes, thus causing thousands of dollars of food to become spoiled countless hours before its due date.

 

DUALIT 4 SLOT TOASTER: $300

I'll give Dualit credit for one thing: Compared with a $70,000 corkscrew, their silly little three hundred-dollar toaster seems positively sensible. And yet, I still find myself scoffing at it. This might be due to my deep-seated hatred of luxury toasters (my father's semilucrative career as an airline pilot was ruined by a $150 KitchenAid) Or it could just be that buying a three hundred-dollar toaster is really, really, dumb.
 
Either way, here's what you get for your money:

High Lift Mechanism

You know, a High Lift Mechanism! To help you "remove small items easily"? Like if you were to toast a crust of bread, a piece of bread you've already eaten half of, or a handful of croutons; the High Lift Mechanism would help you get them out without reaching in and scorching your fingers. Useful huh? And I'd mention that most modern toasters, including the cheap, battered-ass plastic one which somehow appeared in my house one day (seriously, I have no idea where it came from) also has a high lift mechanism, but I wouldn't want to rub it in.

Available in 13 Colors

So what's #1 on my wishlist when purchasing a new toaster? That's right: It must be available in a variety of cleverly named retina-scorching colors. If I can't get it in "Asphyxiating Infant Blue" or "Sinustitis Pus White", no sale.

2 Year Warranty On Heating Elements

I feel it bears mentioning that for this price, one could purchase and burn out 10 or more "regular" four slot toasters in the span of two years. But then again they likely wouldn't have the convenient Removable Crumb Tray that this toaster features! What's that you say? A removable crumb tray is pretty much standard on even the cheapest of toasters? Alright then.
 
 

 

SVIED [LUXURY] CORKSCREW: $60,000-$70,000

Sure, maybe a corkscrew isn't technically considered an appliance, but I really couldn't resist including it. Here is a short list of actual facts about these corkscrews:

1. These corkscrews are custom made
2. These corkscrews have a fancy, Europeany style name
3. You can have your name engraved on these corkscrews if you wish
4. These corkscrews come in a wooden box
5. These corkscrews cost more than SIXTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.
6. Fuck.

 

 

VIKING 48-INCH RANGE: $8000-$9,000

If there's one thing rich assholes love, it's a Viking range. Obviously this is not to say that everyone who buys a Viking range is a rich asshole, but its a well known fact that all rich assholes buy Viking ranges. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Viking's product line, allow me to bring you up to speed: Viking makes stoves that are expensive as fuck. These stoves are painted bright colors and THEY DON'T WORK ALL THAT WELL.
 
Nevertheless: Rich assholes still love Viking ranges. They love them because...uh...other rich assholes also own Viking ranges? How the hell should I know. Let's just look at the features and be done with it.

15,000 BTU Burners

People who're unfamiliar with cooking (along with the braindead philistines who settle for electric cooktops) might assume that this much cooking power is unnecessary and wasteful for all but the most professional of chefs. This is wrong. Higher BTU's doesn't just make food tastes better, it also reduces cooking time. At half power, you can cook an egg in less than a millisecond. And if set to full power, these burners will cook an entire carton of eggs before you're even able to purchase them from the store. Pretty impressive for only nine thousand dollars.

Commercial-Grade, Machined Steel Construction

Hi, yes, do you guys have any laughably expensive ranges with that "commercial-grade" look and feel? I'm sort of going for an "Inner City Denny's" look in my kitchen. The Viking range you say? Perfect. I'll be right over.

Two Ovens

The inability to cook two things at once is a problem which has plagued humanity since time immemorial. If one wished to cook chicken strips as well as fries, one would either need to perform complex mental calculations involving oven temperatures, food placement, and cooking time; or purchase two or more extra ovens in which to cook the food. Well no longer. Now you can buy one double oven range for the price of four to eighteen "poor person" cooking ranges. Now that's what I call value.
 
 

AND SO...

For more information on appliances such as these, speak to someone you know who is rich and ignorant. I'm sure they'll be more than happy to explain how they were looking to get "the best" or "top-of-the-line", before proceeding to mindlessly parrot the detailed specifications and buzzwords they saw on the website where they pretended to research their purchase but in truth had already made up their mind to buy it and were only seeking validation for their decision.
 
Thank you and please SEE HERE if you are a smart person who likes to make informed decisions before you buy things instead of stupidly buying that which is expensive, stainless steel, or brand recognizable.
 
Good Bye.