The Insane Maury Povich Episode Title Awards

For the third (and final) entry in my hard-hitting fictional awarding of honors to the titles of various daytime television shows I decided to take a look at Maury, which is a talk show which "is often accused by critics of exploiting dysfunctional families, minorities, and the poor, and for embracing and sensationalizing some of the worst stereotypes of American society and behavior [and] some critics denounce it as being even worse than other similar talk shows such as The Jerry Springer Show, due to what is perceived as an insincere sympathy for the guests and using their serious problems for the entertainment and humor of the viewing audience."

So while I'm sure a show of this caliber is sure to have garnered many prestigious awards already, I might as well heap a few more onto the pile. My feeling has always been that you can't overpraise good work.

The "Sort of a Stupid Question" Award

You Said You Loved Me... Why Did You Try to Kill Me?

The "Oh Alright, Since You Asked Nicely" Award

Don't Leave Me... I Slept With Your Sister

The "Now There's Something You Don't Hear Every Day" Award

I Need a Test...My Brother May Be My Baby's Dad

The "Don't Know When To Say When" Award

1st Place

We've Taken 34 Paternity Tests...Will I Find the Dad?

2nd Place

I Had Plastic Surgery 60 Times---I Want More

1st Place

I Confess... I've Cheated On You 300 Times

The "Help Me Overcome My Debilitating Yet Hilarious Phobia!" Award

4th Place

Can You Save Me? I Am Terrified of Cotton Balls and Frogs!

3rd Place

I'm Terrified of Gum, Crabs and Balloons!

2nd Place

I'm Terrified of Chalk, Hair and Circus Clowns

1st Place

My Fear of Mustard and Pickles Is Ruining My Life

The "I Bathe My Child in Ho-Hos" Award

My 5 Year-Old Weighs 230lbs

The "That Outta Bring In The Viewers..." Award

Brutal Attacks and Sex Crimes... Caught on Tape!

The "She Had Better Not Be Doing it For Free" Award

Is My 13-Year-Old Daughter Getting Paid For Sex?

The "I Don't Even Want To Know How" Award

I'll Prove My Dead Son Is Not Your Baby's Father

The "Because You Brought Her On TV?" Award

Why Are You Staring - My Daughter Is Not A Monster

The "Oh, That's What You Said Last Time" Award

If You Had Sex with the Babysitter...It's Over

Congratulations to all of our winners, and if you're interested in seeing more of the Maury show...You ought to be ashamed of yourself.