You like to call people “Bro”. You sit around and watch TV, and once a day you call your girlfriend on the phone to accuse her of cheating on you. You do a lot of pushups and admire yourself in the mirror, and your idea of a good time is drinking with the boys until you black out. Perhaps you’ve even been to prison a few times. Interestingly enough, being inside doesn’t change your lifestyle all that much. Some nights though, you sit at the window and stare through the bars out at the waning moon, thinking of all the men you’d like to beat up, and all women you’ll conquer to prove your worth. You love women. Why would anyone think otherwise? They would have no reason to! You’ll kill anyone who’d accuse you of being something you aren’t. What do they mean "overcompensating"?

You hear the sound of sheets rustling and a light flicks on. A gruff, gravelly voice sounds from the darkness behind you. “Mrrrrppphh. Come back to bed Sweet Lips. Handsome Mike’s getting’ lonely…” You climb into bed next to him, frowning. “Oh Michael,” you say wistfully as he puts his arms around you, “Why must the world be so very cruel?” He clears his throat. “I suppose you’re just a delicate flower. Now shut the F### up and #### my #### or I’ll slice you open good.” You pause and purse your lips, thinking. The light flicks off and the room goes dark and you smile; realizing for all the posturing and the anger and denial and hatred: This is what you’ve always wanted. 


Your Sadness Level: Inexplicable Bouts of Melancholy


Your IQ: 95

 
What’s on your TV?

• Clumsy Homemade Pornography
• Steven Seagal Films
• Saturday Night Live

What’s Coming Out of Your Stereo?

• Nickelback
• A String Quartet Tribute to Nickelback
• Anything Loud Enough to Drown Out the Sound of You Screaming at Your Girlfriend

 

What’s in your Trash?

• A Book Someone Gave You
• Meth Pipe
• Your Future (Luckily You Don’t Care)