Worthless Guide to Life: Babies

Infant Baby ThingThere’s no denying it: Life can be tough. But never fear, I’m here to help with this guide. Since you’re reading a "Guide to Life" from the beginning, I’m going to assume you haven’t really lived yet. Are you a baby? If you are, I guess someone must be reading this to you. That’s pointless. Babies don’t even know what is going on, stop reading this to them. YYYYEEEAAAAAHHHHH! If you read that part, the baby probably started to cry just now. Serves you right.
But yeah, I think all you babies out there would be pleased if you really could understand this article. I think you would discover that your future life is going to be a beautiful adventure. Haha, just kidding. I bet it’s actually gonna be pretty bad. Man, you babies will believe anything.

Being Born...

JuniaHonestly this part is mostly hands-off. Once it’s time to go out, you’ll go. There isn’t much of a choice involved here. Just try not to get that cord tangled around anything important. Once you’re out, all you’ve got to do is squirm around uselessly and loll your head without even opening your eyes.

Hmm, wait. Don't doctors hold babies upside-down and spank them when they’re first born? Maybe that's just in the movies. Well anyway, don't be surprised if that happens. Also, I was about to make a joke like: "Hey, maybe spanking these babies is how doctors teach them to cry!" but then I decided not to because it might’ve been from an old Family Circus I once read and I didn’t want to infringe on any copyrighted jokes. Oh, and also because it was really stupid.

Actually: Advice For Adults

You know what, I’m sick of talking to you babies. I think I’m just going to speak directly to the reader about how to care for a baby. That would be more useful.

Dealing (With Crying)

Windowbaby!Babies cry. This is because they are ignorant and can’t even do anything else. What, it’s true! You can’t even hold a decent conversation with a baby; all they ever do is say “guuuh gug gug ppphhhbbbbtt slurp,” and then crap themselves. It's like a date with John Madden.

Babies cry about everything. They are way too sensitive. They remind me a lot of this emotionally-damaged girl I once went out with. She would cry every time anything happened. Oooh, A sad catfood commercial came on TV. Waaah, I accidentally spilled a carton of milk. Oh my god, I can't believe you slapped some girl’s butt when we were at the mall! Boo-Hoo, You inexplicably threw a stapler at me and broke my nose! I swear it never ended with this girl.

Routine Care & Maintenance!

Fix BabyI bet babies are pretty easy to take care of. You can probably just leave them alone on the floor most of the time while you perform different jobs around the house. When you hear them crying you can go in there and see what they want, but then again you might not be able to tell what it is.

What I would do is if a baby ever cries, just go ahead and fix everything it might’ve been crying about at once. So change it’s diaper, give it a drink of soda, feed it a sandwich, pat it’s back to burp it, let it pet the cat, change the TV station, make a clicky shushing noise at it with your mouth, and set it back down on the floor in the laundry room. Then you can go back outside and work on your soap box racer.  


Believe it or not, babies are human. This means they can get sick (and even die if you’re not careful), so you had better make sure to keep them healthy. Honestly, I never really took care of any kids before and I’m not familiar with basic medicine or disease prevention, but I’ve never taken a sick day. So I think I know a thing or two about staying healthy.

Garbage Pail Kids

Toilet Paper SuitbabyI read somewhere that you are supposed to let babies play in soil or dirt. This is so they can be exposed to a lot of germs and build up their immune systems. It only seems logical then, for you to keep your baby dirty.

Leave them outside in a garden or dumpster for a while, dump some fat nightcrawlers from the bait shop on them, and let them eat old toenails they find. Obviously it’s good for them. It said so in a book.

Home Immunization

ManbabyThis same idea holds true for various illnesses such as Hepatitis C, Chicken Pox, and Pneumonia. I won’t tell you what to do, but hypothetically if you infected your baby with all of these diseases deliberately (and simultaneously to save time) they would be immune to them in the future. Well, at least I think so. On second thought you probably want to check with a doctor on that one.

I think that’s more than enough information on how to take care of a baby. The most important thing to remember is that babies are people too (just shriveled worthless ones that will probably grow up to resent you).

Coming up next...Toddlers