Review: The Mall Of America Circa 2008

MallI’d estimate that 60% of stores in most malls are almost completely worthless. Footlocker? Not even close to being needed. The Original Mattress Factory? Total crap. Bath & Body Works? Please! What a joke. All of these places could disappear overnight and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference in anyone’s lives. In fact, the economy in the area would no doubt improve because people who had been spending thirty-eight dollars on a bottle of hotel shampoo in a fancy bottle would suddenly find themselves flush with cash. It’s economic stimulation.

But I assumed that stores like these weren’t even close to being the worst of the worst, so I had a look through the Mall of America store directory to see if I could find anything more ridiculous. So here are all the stores even looters would probably ignore.

Yankee Candle

YankeeOh great, a store that sells candles and candle accessories. I can't imagine anything more thrilling. Well, possibly a store that only sold potpourri dishes, or maybe even one just sells the doilies that the dishes sit on. That would be pretty sweet. But anyway, this isn't a wish list, I was supposed to be talking about the candle store.

So how insane do you have to be to travel all the way to the Mall of America for candles? What, the forty different styles of candle the craft store carries isn’t a wide enough selection for you? Is it absolutely necessary that the air in your house be polluted with a slightly different scent every day? Do you enjoy seeing visitors stumble through your house clutching a blood-soaked rag to their mouth in a desperate attempt to filter some breathable oxygen out of the acrid, smoke filled air?

I bet you do. I bet that's how you get your kicks.

You sick animal.

Sox Appeal

Socks“Sox Appeal has a large selection of great socks for men, women, and kids as well as quality hosiery and slippers. Gift Boxes, Free Shipping.”

You know what a better name for this store would’ve been? Something that didn’t make me wish I had savagely beaten the person who came up with it to death before he was able to think of it.

Magnet Max

MagnetI can only assume that this is one of those legendary “only sells magnets” stores I’ve heard so much about. I can’t think of many types of magnets, but I’m pretty sure they sell them all. So they’ve got those big red horseshoe magnets hanging on the walls, they’ve probably got the little dot magnets kids use for experiments in school, and I bet they even carry refrigerator magnets. I would certainly hope so. But seriously, it’s beyond my comprehension how places like this stay in business.

I don’t even think I can ever remember the last time I used a magnet-centric item. I mean, sure, obviously I’ve used objects which contain magnets, but never a single novelty magnet product. I think my point is: ARRRRGGH WHO THE HELL IS BUYING THESE MAGNETS?!

I’m really gonna have to go to this store and have a look. Well, if I can get over the embarrassment of being seen inside, that is.


BeadHere, I’ve edited the description they provided for this business to make it more accurate:

"Beadniks customers grudgingly assemble their own designs choosing from our mind boggling selection of beads from around the world. Create functional, beautiful gifts that your family and friends will open and say “Ohh…a bandanna made of beads…that’s…neat.” as the excitement on their face slowly morphs into barely-concealed disappointment. Whatever your goal... the Beadniks experience is all about you!

Special services include: Sales of jewelry, artifacts, beads, and out consultants will even dab the tears off the beads as you work. Customers are encouraged to make jewelry on site, because shit, where else have they got to go? Take home kits are available to those who have to get back and feed their seven cats. “Fun” for people of all ages!"

Just Dogs! Gourmet

DogHere’s the store description from the directory:

“Just Dogs! Gourmet, The World's Tastiest Gourmet Dog Treats®, specializes in hand-cut, all-natural dog treats made in their very own bakery. Treat your favorite pet with a scrumptious Peanut Butter Bone, Tailhouse Cookie or any other tasty Canine Confection. Along with multiple doggie delicacies, Just Dogs! Gourmet also offers specialty dog merchandise for your pampered pooch.”

Alright then. So with that out of the way, I think I speak for a good percentage of the world’s population when I say: What the fuuuuuuccck?! Now I haven’t been to Just Dogs! Gourmet, partially because I never knew it existed, but mostly because I find the idea of it offensively stupid, but I’d like to just address this next section to anyone who’s purchased something at just Dogs! Gourmet:

I know you people love your dogs (for whatever reason), but come on. Dogs eat anything. You do realize that right? Dogs will eat food if you chew it up and spit it on the floor in front of them. Dogs eat beetles off the sidewalk. Dogs eat torn up pieces of grass. And most important of all: DOGS EAT THEIR OWN SHIT. Yes, dogs are perfectly happy to eat their own shit, throw it up, then EAT THEIR OWN SHIT AGAIN. And you idiots are buying fourteen dollar organic chew bones and jellied clam sorbet for them?!


If you didn’t need your money, the least you could’ve done was donate it to a homeless shelter or something. Or better yet, just smear the bills with your own shit and let the dog eat them instead. It wouldn’t even know the difference.