Menacing Phone Calls I Have Received: Comcast

Phone CallSure, making harassing phone calls can be fun (just ask anyone who's worked in telemarketing), but what about receiving them? If you're not sure, why don't you take some time to find out? Do what I do: Rack up thousands of dollars in debt on multiple credit cards, and then just let it sit there.

Don't pay a dime. Then, if anyone from the company calls with a friendly reminder, just screech into the phone, bang it on the desk a few times, and hang it up. Soon the collection agencies will begin to call, and you'll be well on your way to vaguely threatening phone call heaven.

But, as usual I've gotten sort of off-topic. Here's a review of a threatening phone call I received from Comcast (the cable company, of course). I think you'll be surprised at how well they do.

The Call

Sinister Man20It was very early in the morning and I was asleep. The phone rang. I picked it up, and a man’s voice began to speak. Well, actually it wasn’t so much speaking per-se. It was less of an "I'm calling with a friendly reminder of our policy" voice and more of a "Snarling with abject hatred as I strangle you to death as retribution for shanking my friend Dee-Bo in the exercise yard" voice, if that means anything to you. So yeah, it took me a second to get my bearings. When I finally did, I heard something like this:

“—ith Comcast communications _____ department, and I’m CALLING you today to INFORM you that you’ve come up on one of our monthly scans as using SUBSTANTIALLY MORE BANDWIDTH than is allotted to you with the plan you currently pa—”    

And, stop. Obviously this lecture continued on for the next few minutes, but I’ll just quickly sum up. Apparently I had been using my “Unlimited” (their words, not mine) Comcast High Speed cable internet connection TOO MUCH, and it was this guy’s job to call me and intimidate me into using less bandwidth. If I did not cut down on my usage, he said, my connection would be “terminated” by Comcast. I can only assume by his tone that I would also have been harmed physically in some way as well.


I might not have spoken up to the scary man on the phone, but you can be damn sure I didn’t take this lying down! Here’s what I did after I hung up and managed to stop shaking.

  1. Grumbled under my breath. To people I knew, to relatives at parties, to strangers in the park, anyone who didn't walk away.

  2. Read forum posts. Found people who complained about similar situations. Upon reading these I would sit up in my chair and shout, “Yeah!” and then lie back again.

  3. PuffinFashioned a crude sign out of construction paper. It read “Komcast Suckz (nazi symbol)” and I hung on my wall. It fell down after a few days though and I never bothered to hang it up again. Nobody ever comes over to my house anyway, so who would see it?

  4. Constructed a piñata of comcast’s mascot “Cody the High Speed Internet Puffin”.  Then I bashed it to bits while screaming obscenities in Spanish while technicolor versions of the cast of WKRP In Cincinnati  looked on  with horror and then exploded into chromatic shards while singing an acapella swing version of "We Are The World".

  5. Awoke from the fever dream I was just having. Then I proceeded to vomit into the drawer of a nearby hutch.

Was I Afraid?

The ShieldNo, unfortunately for Comcast Corporation, I was not. Mostly I was confused, and maybe a little unsettled.

But then again, who wouldn't be unsettled by a menacing phone call at six in the morning from a gravelly-voiced man you’ve never met who apparently SEETHES WITH BARELY REPRESSED RAGE simply because you’ve downloaded a few more episodes of The Shield than his company would have liked.

Final Score

Overall, I give this threatening phone call: