Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 2: Mummies

By Henry
Have you ever gotten a chill when walking by a pharaoh’s tomb? This is likely caused by the spirit of a mummy. Mummies are ancient creatures which have been around for hundreds of years. Thousands of people have been killed by them. A few have even been captured and are now on display in museums across the globe. I recommend that you go view one or two (at your peril of course). If you don’t feel like heading into some musty old museum though, just read this article. You might just learn a thing or two about mummies.

Part 1 - Werewolves
Part 1.5 - Werewolf Q&A
Part 2 - Mummies
Part 3 - Vampires



The Curse
Your basic non-lethal mummy is harmless. Some Egyptian guy died at some point, and his friends decided to wrap him up in a bunch of cloth and seal him in a tomb. Boo-ring! Where the fun really comes in is with the mummies curse. So years later all the mummy’s friends are dead and he’s just lying there with all his treasure, right? But then along comes some greedy archeologist who really has his heart set on some golden talisman, and he cracks open the tomb and helps himself. Who’ll know? Well the mummy for one, and he ain’t gonna be too pleased if some white guy comes blundering through his tomb rooting through drawers and knocking over table lamps.

So before they bury him, the mummy has someone thump out a quick curse that says something like “if anyone shall enter this sacred place, the mummy shall rise, etc. etc.” So when anyone takes a piece of the mummy’s property out of the tomb, the corpse rises from the dead and follows him everywhere until it is able to kill him. Think of it like those little plastic tags they put on clothes at department stores, but instead of getting ink all over you, you die a horrifying death.


Mummies Themselves
There really isn’t any need to describe basic mummy science; mummies are a work of magic. They can’t really do much; they just kind of shuffle around and moan. Frankly they are pretty useless. But here are some ways a mummy might be able to get you:

• You’re sleeping and the mummy wanders into your room and strangles you
  
  
• A mummy is chasing you and you trip and die
  
  
  
• Someone throws the mummy at you
  
  
• If you’ve a bad heart and a mummy startles you, that might do it
  
  
• A gentleman caller mummy arrives at your door to pick up your sister. My, he certainly looks quite dapper in his eveningwear, taking your breath away. You cannot help yourself: you instantly fall in love with the mummy. But alas! His heart belongs to another. At his wedding you shall die of a broken heart.

It’s pretty silly to try to find for evidence of a mummy if you ask me. If you want to find out if it is real, just break into an Egyptian tomb and desecrate it. Easier still: Just break some Egyptian stuff in a museum. I’m sure the police will understand if you explain you just wanted to be attacked by a mummy.




Mummies have done quite well for themselves in the world (unlike their slutty cousins the werewolves). They have starred in a number of successful projects across all genres. Mummies have starred in blockbusters (The Mummy, The Mummy Returns), yukked it up in a 3 Stooges short (We Want Our Mummy) and been channel surfed away from in a Made-For-TV movie (Curse of the Mummy). Many mummy films do portray them inaccurately though. Let me clear up some common misconceptions about mummies:

1. Mummies can’t run on walls
   
   
2. You can’t unravel a mummy (they tuck the bandages under)
   
   
3. Mummies don’t scream
   
   
4. Mummies cannot experience love
   
   
   
   Yeah, that's gonna help...
   
   
5. Bullets will kill a mummy (hell, if you just push it over it will probably disintegrate)
   
   
6. Mummies can’t morph into people or sand
   
   
7. Mummies don’t stop for you; mummies don’t stop for nobody’s body

Think of a really old man. He’s got brittle bones, and he can barely pull himself out of a chair without fracturing his pelvis. Now think of that same man wrapped in bandages and locked away in a dry cellar for a couple thousand years. You think he’s going to be hard to kill? Not a chance. Mummies are undoubtedly the easiest monster to destroy. Try it. Grab one’s head and squeeze; its skull will crumble in your hands. Or even better: Refuse to give a mummy your seat on the bus and it will have to stand while holding on to that bar. When the bus driver hits the brakes that mummy’s arm will just rip right off and he will go tumbling down the aisle and break into a million pieces. When the bus driver opens the door, a cloud of ancient dust will just float out into the night. That’ll teach that old mummy.


That’s about all I have about mummies, I hope you learned a lot. Also you have no idea how difficult it was for me not to end this section with “That about wraps up mummies”. Oh, it seems I have done it in any case. Well, nothing I can do about it now, the damage has already been done. Sorry everyone.