In these troubled modern times, the life of a child is filled with innumerable dangers. Just take a look at these astonishing figures: Each day in America, 640 children are abducted by people who are believed to be minorities. In addition, a full four thousand are molested by men thought to possess pencil-thin mustaches, while 16 are mischievously tipped out of their wheelchairs by disgruntled female social workers.
These numbers serve as a constant reminder of the inherent evil of humanity. But luckily, Snapple brand flavored drink beverages are here to help. With the help of Families Against Violence and the American Lung Association, Snapple has utilized their patented "Snapple Facts" content delivery service to teach children about safety.
In the interest of public safety, I've reprinted 14 of the most useful facts from this campaign here for you to enjoy.
If you'd like to see even more, I encourage you to check out parts One Two and Three of the "Completely Unauthorized And Potentially Libelous Snapple Facts" series.
Thanks and may the gods reward your fealty by visiting good fortune upon you.