Upon seeing a gallery such as this, the average person could be forgiven for dismissing it as nothing more than a random assemblage of stupid photos which I have slapped together in a half-assed attempt to avoid writing an actual article. In all fairness to me, this is only partially true.
 
Certainly "getting out of actually writing something" was my intention AT FIRST, but I quickly discovered how gruelling "sifting through thousands of pages of dull cosplay photos featuring androgynous Japanese preteens to find the 0.0001% of them which are sad/inventive/stupid enough to be worthy of ridicule" actually is.
 
So in the end, creating one of these stupid galleries is actually just as much (if not more) work than writing a deliberately insulting article about one of the 50 US states, so I hope you all appreciate it.

A pointless collection of interesting links, strange news stories, and other amusing garbage discovered on the internet.
 
What's happening this time around? Street Signs Causing Dwarfism, Senior Citizens Eating Dog Food, Parachuting Donkeys, Homophobic Gunmen, & What Is Probably The Worst Job Of All Time.

In this chaotic, advertorial, multibranded world of ours, it can be difficult to know precisely how much value one is actually getting for one's money. The best solution to this problem is to carefully research your purchases beforehand, but this can take time and effort, and it's not half as much fun or easy as just buying whatever seems the neatest.
 
The other alternative is to rely on worthless folk wisdom such as "you get what you pay for". But of course, whenever any reasonably wealthy person follows "you get what you pay for" to its logical conclusion they end up driving some piece of crap Lincoln with heated seats that don't work, paying 4 dollars extra for "organic" corn chips, or buying an eight thousand dollar pair of Bose speakers because they cost a lot and thus "must have been really good."

So here's some of the overpriced crap rich people often like to waste their money on.

I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that this box of organically protected Trichogramma parasite larvae is a must buy for those whose plans for world domination hinge on the cultivation and subsequent release of thousands of tiny Hymenopteran insects.

Having already created a photo gallery covering mustaches for no good reason, I decided to whip up a similarly pointless and substantially more offputting companion piece cataloging the existence of various beards.

So that's what this is.

A haphazard collection of cool links, weird news stories, and random crap exhumed from all corners of the internet.
 
This week: Drug Addled Men Attacked By Drug Clowns, Ancient PC Advertisements, Prosthetic Leg Fires, Tomato Sauce Drownings, Murderous Apes, & The Periodic Table of Swearing.

The old "don't judge a book by its cover" adage has never made much sense to me. You can tell a lot about a book like this one by looking at the cover. I mean, any idiot could see that it's a field guide for picking wild mushrooms which was written by an impishly deranged trombone enthusiast named David who enjoys feigning the thievery of large quantities of fungi while wearing a cheap 80s tuxedo.

The more observant among you may have noticed that there has been a fairly extreme smear campaign launched against bottled water by Big Government and the leftist newsmedia of late. This comes as no surprise, as the ability to purchase and casually discard nonbiodegradable plastic receptacles is one of the few personal freedoms which remain available to us in this increasingly socialistic world of ours.
 
Which is precisely why it is imperative that people realize that claims such as "bottled water creates unnecessary waste", "bottled water is less safe than tap water", or "most bottled water is just tap water that costs 600% more" are nothing more than lies perpetuated by politically correct, freedom-hating rabblerousers.
 
So with that in mind, please have a look at five of the many reasons why it is your civic duty to consume bottled water over tap water.

A haphazard collection of fascinating links, weird news stories, and random crap exhumed from all corners of the internet.

This week: Walmart Masturbation, Godly Mutations, Ethnic Slurs, The World’s Worst Themeparks, High School Teacher Nudity, and Good News About LSD.

There's something about crossing the border from Minnesota into Wisconsin which has always unsettled me. The feeling would probably best characterized as crushing despair tinged with an oppressive pastoral loneliness. It isn't necessarily that the scenery itself is different, it's more of a vague feeling...as if the sadness and despair of its residents has somehow seeped into the soil and air, poisoning it, like fallout from a nuclear blast. Or perhaps more appropriately, like the solvent vapors from a thousand and one batches of low-grade trailer park meth.
 
So it should be obvious that I'm not particularly keen on the idea of visiting Wisconsin for fun and diversion, which makes me just the person to write an overtly antagonistic and highly inaccurate guide of it for nonexistent tourists.

It is a particularly fine summer evening. You are taking a shortcut through a field of grain, on the way to your job at the bank. Suddenly you feel a tremendous pressure in your eardrums and a white light envelops you. You are lifted, struggling, into the belly of a spacecraft.

An alien approaches and informs you that you are to be the subject of an experiment on human nature. The alien says you are to receive a number of randomly assigned superpowers, and that you are free to use these powers as you see fit.

What do you do?


Attempt to fly

Shake your fist angrily at the ship as you plummet towards earth

I changed the name of this column from "Weird News" to "Web Detritus. Seeing as this is pretty much just an assemblage of all the leftover crap I find throughout the week and can't use anywhere else, I think the name fits.

So please enjoy this week's edition. Thank you, and thank you.

Howdy internet fans, it's your old pal Martin "The Baron" Hubley with another top ten list to shake the foundations of your musical knowledge to their very cores! Those of you who know me best will agree that I have one passion and one passion only: Rock & Roll. My naughtiest fantasy is to climb into a hotrod, crank up my fave rock radio station to full, and cruise down the coast, honking at thick & juicy honeys while bobbing my head to the sound of wailing guitars and nonstop drums.
 
Some say rock ain't what it used to be, but I tend to disagree. There are plenty of high quality rock albums out there, you just have to know where to look (namely: right here in this very article).
 
Fair Warning: There are going to be some pretty controversial choices in here, as I don't often follow the crowd. But keep reading if you've got the guts, and you'll be rewarded with hours of rock and roll hijinks. That's a promise!

Awful Halloween costumes are like a wellspring of awfulness that never seems to run dry. Just when you feel like you've discovered all the ridiculous and borderline offensive costumes the internet has to offer, more are certain to come bubbling to the surface like solid waste in a freshly-stirred septic tank.
 
So here are twenty of the freshest and most ferociously terrible costumes I could drum up without expending much effort.

To me, animals seem pretty gullible. Not just like how dogs always fall for the "pretend to throw a ball" trick either. I mean how whenever a superhero gets the ability to communicate with animals, the animals always do whatever he says. What, just because he now speaks your language you're suddenly willing to drop what you're doing and attack whoever he says? Some people have a lot nerve.

If I were a group of wandering badgers, and some human tried to boss me around, I'd just laugh and crawl back into my badger cave or wherever. Who are you to me? Some human who throws rubbish in the forest. Get lost.
 
But I guess I'm not a group of wandering badgers, so maybe I'll just keep my fat mouth shut.

"Ah, this is the life," I said, settling into my easy chair and taking a sip of orange drink, "Not a care in the world."
 
I glanced at the clock. 6:04. The show had already begun. Grinding my teeth in anticipation, I flipped on the television. A fierce battle sequence erupted on screen. I rocked and squirmed in my chair, punching the air and feeling every blow. Captain Niros kicked a bandit in the face, sending him tumbling to the bottom of a steep incline, where he was graphically impaled on a number of jagged rocks. Suddenly the title card appeared: "Legendary Journey". I cheered, pumping my fist, and cleared my throat in anticipation of the theme song.
 
Click, went the television, changing to channel 46. The intro to a funniest videos program blared from the speakers.
 
"Um, excuse me," I said, to no one in particular, "I was watching that."