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In the hopes of capturing the lucrative Chinese person market, I have written this article in Chinese. Any English speakers who wish to read about the wonderful tourist attractions North Carolina has to offer (of which there are many!) can either translate this article to English using the translation software of their choice or view the ENGLISH VERSION HERE, as the Chinese version may not display properly in their browser.

我希望你喜歡的許多文章中，我寫了！

By The Sentient Portrait of an Early 19th Century Gentleman
Upon the morning's first light, I vacated my diggings and pointed my velocipede towards the local theater, my intentions being to view the latest moving picture: Clash of the Titans. Upon my arrival I was put into a fine pucker upon discovering that a gape-mouthed boodle of border ruffians had seen fit to congregate at the entrance. My first inciliation was to absquatulate then and there, but as it had been a coon's-age since I had attended a performance of this sort, I soon acquiesced.
 
I planked down the funds required (far from a pittance, I assure you!) and made my way into the theater at full chisel, more than a bit wrathy at the shine-cuttings of the soaplocks who filled the lobby.

 
But for those of you who have yet to come under the stony gaze of a half melted dummy of Sylvester Stallone, I have compiled these photos.

I have a shameful confession to make: Occasionally I have a difficult time differentiating between various Hulk Hogan films. Most often, this issue manifests itself with regards to Mr. Nanny and Suburban Commando. I do recognize the difference in plot between the two "former pro wrestler is hired as a bodyguard for small children &  a cyborg from space fights crime(?)" and yet to me, these features are still one and the same. Part of my confusion may stem from the fact that I have not seen either film, but I can't help but wonder if there isn't something more sinister afoot here.
 
But there's really no time for me to think about it right now. I have to post this dumb article.

It's been a long time since I wrote my original Guide To Funerals. It's one of the first articles I ever wrote, and the childishness of my worldview at that time certainly shows. Fortunately, dear reader, a lot has changed since then. I've grown up. I've matured. I've gotten married, bought a beautiful four bedroom, one-and-a-half bath ranch home, and my wife and I have had 3 beautiful little boys (Zack, Moses, and Topper) all of whom are now the collective loves of my life.
 
Also, I've apparently begun lying for no reason, because none of that shit is even remotely true. I live by myself, eat pop tarts as meals, and spend most of my free time writing shitty stories about sasquatches. So yeah, life is pretty good.
 
But I hope you'll excuse me, because I have to get on with disrespecting the recently dead and the behavior of those who grieve for them.

How does Google Autocomplete work? Well I'll tell you. Imagine, if you will, the CEO of a large corporation. Now imagine that this man performed a search on Google for "Erectile Dysfunction" followed soon after by a search for "nude photos of Mark Hamill vacuuming in a wig" and then submitted another search 3 minutes (and one flush of the toilet) later for " has anyone else cured their erectile dysfunction by looking at nude photos of Mark Hamill vacuuming in a wig because shit I think I just might have.

"You might be wondering what, precisely, the obviously fabricated story of a closeted homosexual CEO reigniting his sexual pilot light by viewing burlesque photographs of Luke Skywalker has to do with me displaying screen captures of interesting and amusing Google autocomplete results.

This is a valid question, and one to which I currently have no answer.

Oh news! Will you ever learn? Amongst this week's stories are the following things: Softcore Porn, Knife Stabbings, Syringe Stabbings, Paying for Online Dates With Women, & People Shouting About Little House on the Prairie.
 

Believe it or not, sometimes people actually go to Idaho on purpose. Yeah, I know, it sort of blew my mind at first too, but it's true. "And what," you might ask, "do these people do once they've arrived in Idaho?" Hell if I know. According to the board of tourism's website Idaho is an "Outdoors-Oriented Community". So maybe they go on walks?

Or, maybe "outdoors community" is really just code for "There is nothing to do here. Now take some mushrooms and get lost on a hiking trail which will become oppressively sinister as darkness encroaches while indistinct voices cackle with laughter amongst the undergrowth and then you finally get home and can't even get to sleep because THE FOLDING CHAIR JUST WON'T SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT HEALTH CARE REFORM AARRGHH" which, appealing as it may sound, is probably not convincing too many families to take a road trip to Idaho.
 
But I suppose that is why I'm here: To convince you all that taking a trip to Idaho is the best choice a hesitant vacationer could make. So let's take a look at some of the attractions this fine state has to offer, won't us?

The idea behind fiverr is pretty simple: People post activities they're willing to perform for five dollars, and if anyone feels like paying them to do it, they can go right ahead.

There seems to be a decent filtering system in place, because 90% of the posts seem legit (e.g. "I will write a short story for you", "I will make a custom blog theme for you". "I will draw a picture of you" etc), but luckily for me, there are still plenty of insane people and sick freaks posting stuff too.

Here are a few of the strangest pledges I've come across so far.

By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
If you've never built your own personal computer (or PC as they're known in the biz) you're missing out on a world of excitement, adventure, and sensualness unlike anything you have known. And ladies, if you haven't dated a man who has built his own computer, you're missing out (just ask my big and beautiful girlfriend Tina)! So you can keep your sex parties, drinking & driving parties, and make-out parties...we real men will taking off our shirts together, setting our processors to the max, and cranking the RAM to 100! Non stop!
 
So oil up your sockets, wrap your fingers around those meaty pipes, and let's get hog wild by building our own PCs!

I think the only thing I need to say about this week's roundup is that it features the story of a man who supposedly committed suicide by stabbing himself repeatedly in the upper thigh with a large, blunt, souvenir pencil which held high sentimental value to him. I did not make this up.
 
Oh and also, I wrote into a freeze-dried pet website to see how much it would cost to freeze and pose my cat.
 
See for yourself below, if you feel like it.

Computers don't always work the way we want them to, so from time to time I like to spend a few moments answering a few of the many tech-support questions I receive from readers. Why they choose me, a complete stranger who runs a website entirely unrelated to computer support and has heretofore expressed neither the willingness nor the ability to answer any technological questions, I do not know. But this does little to change that these people need help, and I'll be goddamned if I leave them out in the cold just because of their stubborn refusal to adhere to logic.
 
So this week I'll be helping readers out with a few of their basic computer-related questions. You're welcome!

“You can put your clothes back on now,” the doctor said, scribbling angrily in his notepad.

“Finally,” I said, putting my arm into one of the sleeves. “Hey, what exactly are you writing anyway?”

“It’s private,” the doctor said without looking up, “Private medical notes.”

I stood up and pulled the shirt over my head.

“Private…what’s that supposed to mean?” I said, frowning and walking over to him, “Let me see it.” I reached for the book.

“No!” the doctor pouted, pulling it away. “It’s mine.”

Seeing as the cowards over at Youtube have blocked embedding of clips related to this lovely film, I must resort to linking to it Like Some Sort of Savage. It is a sad world we live in when a man can't even embed a video of a fight scene from a terrible movie which he has set pointlessly to music.

A sad world indeed.

Dear Awkward People Who Dress Up As Videogame Characters Against Their Better Judgement,
 
Thank you for existing and providing such joy.
 
Signed, Me.

As many of you may already know, this month is Dead Animal Preservation Month. It's important that we all take time out of our busy lives once and a while to look back upon the animals we have lost or deliberately killed. In addition to this, I believe strongly that we should also make at least a cursory attempt to preserve their lifeless corpses. In honor of this, I am hereby proclaiming this to be a very special "Dead Pet Preservation" edition of Weird News.  
 
I do hope very much that you (and the marble-eyed motionles dog posed stiffly in your living room) enjoy it.

Listen up: I sorted through a bunch more of the ridiculous and absurd customer complaints over at Complaintsboard and have compiled the most interesting ones here for your perusal.

Alright let's go!