FDA-Approved medicine is for suckers. In case you hadn't heard...all-natural remedies are the wave of the future! Why go all-natural? The reasons are so simple that even uneducated people who don't believe in taking pills can understand them: Health and Happiness. Studies have shown that those who use herbal remedies are far healthier and far happier than those who use over-the-counter and prescription drugs. If you don't believe me, you need only look to the internet to find thousands upon thousands of poorly written Angelfire webpages cryptically citing studies of indeterminate origin as proof that herbal remedies are effective.
 
So since I'm such a huge proponent of haphazardly ingesting untested substances to cure illnesses I may or may not have, I've decided to make up this list of the ten best reasons to switch over to all-natural remedies.

When I was a kid I would often refer to North Dakota as "The Boring Dakota". Now that I am older (and slightly wiser) I see how wrong I really was. North Dakota couldn't possibly be the boring Dakota because both Dakotas are the boring Dakota. I feel like South Dakota is only given a pass because it has a couple of reasonably worthwhile tourist attractions. This stands in stark contrast to the zero worthwhile attractions located in North Dakota. That is, unless you consider the LaMoure Toy Farmer Museum to be a worthwhile attraction. Personally I do not.
 
Nevertheless: I am now going to attempt to sell you on a vacation to North Dakota. This is the first in a 50-Part series in which I will describe and pointlessly insult the major tourist attractions in each state. If this sounds incredibly stupid to you, don't worry. I'll probably only be able to do three or four states before I get bored and abandon this idea forever.
 
But for now, let's check out some of the fantastic reasons to visit North Dakota!

This time around, a Chinese teacher stabs children with needles, illegal circumcision, and Rapid Crack Propagation in Polyethylene Pipes. Also some Polish guy eats a lottery ticket on an airplane. Oh world! You so crazy.

By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Summer is just around the bend for many of us, and with the warm weather comes the threat of deadly tornados. These twisting destructive devils of the seventh seas can level your dream home, fling your cozy trailer-shack into the air, or even kill your precious poodle Jumjugs with merely a flick of their godless wind-wrist.
 
The twistler is nature's marvel. It is to be feared, and it is to be respected. Luckily your old pal (and self-taught meteorologist) The Baron is here to help you make it through an encounter with these terrifying death tubes. Read on for 10 of my juiciest 'nader survival tips. They'll really "blow" your mind!

What the hell is wrong with you people! Stop putting clothing on your animals! It is an affront to nature, good taste, and common decency. Want proof? By god I'll give it to you.

Stories this week include (but are not limited to!) a nude man thrusting in a library, women morphing into dolphins, obscenely lowered trucks, Metallica, and the unasked-for ability to create a terrifying doll of yourself.
 
Thank you and thank you!

By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Greetings all, from the lands of Dverz, Anthroes, and Hurans! For those of you who are wondering what the Sam Hell I'm talking about, it's the MMORPG Online Game I've been developing known as The Quest For Time. I know it's been quite some time since I've updated y'alls on the development, so I figured I'd throw a ripe, juicy bone into all my fans by sharing some new info on what I've been cooking up in the land of Valderanianaiae.
 
FAIR WARNING: Spoilders abound, so those of you who are planning to play the game on release might want to pass up this article, because I reveal key plot points in both the Elle Swamp questline and the Anthroe romance story! So consider yeselves warned!

Believe it or not, my intention is not to make fun of cosplayers. These photo galleries are just my way of saying: "Hey everybody, cosplay exists, take a look at some pictures of cosplayers!"

Well OK, maybe that's not it entirely. Maybe it's more like "Hey everybody, cosplay exists and some of the people who participate in it dress in costumes most other people would find pretty hilarious so let's all look at photos of people dressed like comic book characters and laugh at them but not in a hateful way!"

I think that about sums up my feelings. Let's go!

In a daring move, I've changed the title of this series yet again. From now on it'll just be called "Weird News". You can save your letters and online petitions! I'll not change it back! Don't be nervous though, there's no sinister motive behind this change. I'm just getting tired of having to hold down shift and reach all the way up to the "7" to make that ampersand (or whatever it's called) symbol in the title. Talk about annoying.
 
Also, I am now accepting submissions for Weird News, so if you have something ridiculous or funny or offensive to share you can SUBMIT IT HERE.

Hi there fellow Christians. My name is Lucas Bell, and I'm a professional video game reviewer and professional video game lover. I began writing game reviews in 1988, when I noticed the godlessness that pervaded most popular videogames at the time. These games contained dinosaurs, rock and roll, and kissing. Sorry game developers but the only kissing I'll be doing is with the lord, through prayer, so count me out!
 
Since I knew there was no chance of games being created for true Christians (Christians are now a minority!) I decided to begin reviewing games from a Christian perspective so that others would easily avoid those which contain demonics, disrespect of the elderly, or sex with children (as most games nowaday do!)
 
Today I'll be taking a look at Bayonetta, a game which is about as far from God's holy love as one can get without being in hell itself. Please be warned that this review is not suitable for children.
 

By Paul Haggis
Hi, I'm film director Paul Haggis. You might know me as a writer from various hit family shows such as Walker: Texas Ranger, The Facts of Life, and Whose the Boss. Most recently I penned the script to the (triple) Oscar winning movie Crash starring Cuba Gooding Junior, Stacy Keach, Sandra Bullock, and curmudgeonly TV funnyman William Frawley.
 
Crash was a huge success for me (my biggest ever!), but to be completely honest with you, I was never quite satisfied with the way it turned out. I felt (and the studio disagreed) that the film was far too subtle for most audiences; that they would have trouble determining the motives of characters such as the Overtly Racist Cop, the Jive-Talking Black Car Thieves & the Woman Who May or May Not Resent The Fact That She is Part Mexican.
 
So that's why I've decided to rewrite Crash entirely, from start to finish. Here's a short excerpt, I hope you enjoy it.
 

Cosplay can be defined loosely as the ancient Japanese art of dressing up as shitty characters from animated shows enjoyed predominately by 12 year old Japaneses children and various adults with far too little (or far too much) self-respect. When cosplay goes well, it is easy to ignore. But when it goes wrong, it goes very wrong, much to the horrified delight of anyone who happens to view it. In this respect, the cosplayer is much like a prolapsed rectum. I won't explain precisely why, but let's just say it's hard to resist looking up photos of either on the internet and leave it at that.

Here are twenty in their natural habitat (cosplayers, that is, not rectums. I'm saving those pictures for next year's Easter post).

Kids today have no respect for the elderly. Yesterday, for example, I was out walking my cat Captain Planet and I spotted a group of children harassing an old woman who was carrying a loaf of fresh bread. They spat and shouted curses such as "Crippled Hag", "Diseased Hag" and "Drop Dead Hag!" Then one of them struck her in the face with an implement and they laughed and pushed her into the street and a car ran over her without even stopping. Overall I would give this behavior a 10/10 for spunk and a 0/10 for respect. Respect your elders kids.
 
This week in Weird News: Lotion thieves, pedophilic cartoon bears, Christian videogame reviews, and Russian tanks. Word.

By Martin "The Baron' Hubley
Some people say money can't buy happiness, but obviously these folks have never been rich! Yes, being filthy rich has been the dream of every hot-blooded human being since pirate times, myself included! Due to my higher-functioning brain, my dreams are EXTREMELY vivid as well, so the money seems even more real! Often, I'll even wake up crying from a particularly beautiful dream and feel ornery for the rest of the day because I know I am trapped in the real world, and that Drak'Thul (the magnificent gold city of dragons) no longer exists, and that I can only visit it in my mind.
 
But I don't mean to bring y'alls down. Let's cheer up a bit by taking a gaunder at the list of the top 10 things I would do with one million smackards. Enjoy!