Howdy folks, I'm Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw, and I'm here to with some tips to help ya'll lose some weight and keep it off for good. Using my good old fashioned down-home country-living common-sense approach to advice-giving, I'll make sure the lard drops off your ample behinds just as sure as a coonhound at a rodeo loves eatin' truffles out of a fountain during a superbowl sunday hootenanny.
 
But don't assume I'll coddle you. Don't assume I'm gonna be "Politically Correct". You've read plenty of Mothering P.C. weight-loss books and look what it's gotten you: A whole bowl full of nothing. What you folks need is some good hard love. Some no-nonsense honest advice. What you need is a heapin' spoonful of Phil.
 
And by God I intend to give it to you.

Awww, look how cute: Some people in foreign countries try to put up signs in English! Let's look at some that are funny with engrish in it and make fun of them while we look!

I would do something special in honor of this being the last week of weird news in 2009, but I use the Mayan calendar so technically this isn't even the new year for me. But on the bright side, I only have to do about 2 more years of these until the world comes to an end, which is nice.
 
Anyway: This week's post features horse grooming tips, walmart riots, sexy Fast & The Furious fanfiction, and wholly capitalized musings on thug romance.

How would you feel if a criminal broke into your home, left with all your belongings in a truck, and then beat up your entire family (including the pets)? You would probably be pretty ticked off. But you shouldn't be, because it was your own fault for not securing your home properly! I don't blame robbers and murderers for what they do. Those who do crimes are often poor minorities (chinese or polish people) who have a hard life and a low-paying job. Simply put: They can't help but steal. Riddle me this: Would you arrest a homeless black man who stole a rich man's car to support his starving family? Of course you wouldn't, he was only trying to survive.
 
But it is still a homeowner's right to protect his property! The key is to make your house so secure that the burglar will go and burgle your neighbor's home instead of your own. It might seem cold, but it's all part of the game of life. So read on to see all the hot and juicy tips I have for securing your home against invaders.
 
(Side note: You might notice a photo of a handsome fellow over there on the left. That's me! It'll be showing up on each of the articles I write for this site from now on, so look forward to it!)

Hello, and welcome to a very special "Back in The Old Days" edition of Weird News & Links. This week, I've decided to feature only stories and products which will bring back fond memories of times gone by. For example, how many of you remember watching the mildly popular late 80s television series Mr. Belvedere? None of you? Great! Then you'll be loving this halfhearted faux-homage I've thrown together of things people used talk about that nobody cares about anymore!
 
Let's take it to the streets!

Once again Youtube has blocked one of my videos. Photobucket embed is above, otherwise the better quality youtube should be HERE if they ever decide to unblock it (not likely).

As far as I'm concerned, the term "Nerd" has been rendered all but meaningless. I wouldn't use it at all, except I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to describe people who play World of Warcraft for 33 hours straight while listening to a single Dragonforce song on repeat, or who will say "lawl" out loud without a hint of hesitation or self-consciousness. So let's just say I'm updating Nerd for the 21st century. Now, instead of pocket protectors, glasses, and Dungeons & Dragons, Nerd signifies an unreasonable love of anime, horrifyingly frequent postings on message boards, and a complete and utter lack of anything resembling originality.
 
These are the social cripples, the sniveling masturbators. Rejected (some would say rightly so) by their schoolyard peers, they have sought refuge amongst the similarly-damaged youths who make up the online collective. Here, they are given the opportunity to climb a reverse social ladder, one in which the individual is not rewarded for attractiveness, physical prowess, cleverness, or the ability to abstain from using racial slurs, but rather by Time Spent Grinding, Posts Per Hour, and (most relevant to this article) The Ability to Deliberately Mimic The Deliriously Annoying & Repetitive Patterns of Speech Favored By One's Online Peers. Which is to say: There are far too many internet nerds perpetuating rock-stupid verbal memes.
 
Below are a few common nerdly phrases which--when used--cause me to become unreasonably upset.

I for one am glad that Christmas has become an overt celebration of ravenous Walmart-greeter-trampling consumerism and mindless gluttony. For one, those things are a hell of a lot more fun than trying not to fall asleep while somebody reads from the non-exciting parts of the bible, and for another it makes Christmas a lot easier for me to write about. I mean, what would I even DO if Christmas was still a religious holiday? Make fun of Jesus? Not a chance. People already hate this site enough. The last thing I need is a bunch of humorless Christians gleefully dousing me with kerosene and stringing me from the rafters of some boathouse. No thank you.
 
Anyway here are a bunch of shitty holiday costumes for you to suck on.

Welcome to this special XXXL edition of Weird News & Links. Because there were no updates throughout the last few days I've made sure to include 50% more content in this week's edition!* That's quite a value, and it all comes to you absolutely free of charge because of a generous eighteen cent donation made to this very site by our newest sponsor: Alpo brand dog slurry. Yes, Alpo. Alpo utilizes only the finest in horse meat for use in it's patented slurries, and with their all-new Perfect Strain Technology your canine companion will consume 32.6% less bone and gristle in each serving! Look for it in your grocer's freezer. Alpo: Makes Happy Dogs Happy.
 
*Statement may be untrue
 

Wouldn't you know it, another week has gone by. Yes, time certainly does continue to move forward in a uniform fashion. And if you've got a few minutes of it free, go ahead and read on to see what's happened in the world of unimportant news in the last 50% of a fortnight. But hey, if you're busy or something, you can probably just go ahead and close the browser window right now. In fact, I hope you do. Come on, do it. Do it! I'm serious: do it. Go. Go! Leave this website and never come back! I don't need you around to have a good time, I can have fun all by myself! I'm a one man party I tell you!
 
Wait, come back, I changed my mind! Oh god. Please god no. I can't do this by myself. Please don't leave me here all alone.
 
It's so very lonely here...

Howdy ya'll, this is your old pal Martin "The Baron" Hubley here again to spurt some more knowlege into your mouths and onto the front of your shirts. How many times has this happened to you: You apply for a job, but the boss gives it to someone else! Sure is rotten isn't it?! Well never fear, The Baron's here to tell you that the reason you missed out on that golden opportunity isn't because your a loser, it's because you're resume is one!

All aboard the learning train folks! There are three important properties every resume should have: Heart, Hope, & Be Passionate. Heart means make 'em cry. Hope means give em' the hope that you're the best man (or gal) for the job! And C. Above all Be Passionate! Passion is the sloppy goop that makes the world go round, so let em' have it! On the day of your interview, walk straight in the door, hand over your resume, and slather your interviewer with a sloppy dose of passion all over their face and in their mouth. They won't know what hit em'!

But for more detailed tips, read on to check out yours truly's very own resume. You'll have that job in no time!

Each morning at 5:30 sharp, distinguished historian William H. MacMillan would leap from his third-level bunk bed, flip on the lights, and, jutting out his jaw, begin to beat upon his chest with his fists, declaring himself to be high king of the jungle. His fourteen sisters would grumble and groan, thrashing about in their beds and pulling the quilts over their faces, pleading with him to let them sleep.
 
On this particular morning however, he had other plans.
 
"Sqwawk, sqwawk!" he cried, pecking at the air, "Lazy bones make for lazy days! Sqwawk, sqwawk!"
 
"Uuunnnhhhhhhhhh..." said his sisters.

Thank-You notes are, without a doubt, absolutely integral to the way our society functions. Let's say for example that you've just attended a fantastic party hosted by Shane O'Sullivan, one of your closest Irish-American friends. Your first thought upon arriving home from the party would most likely be something like: "Wow, that sure was a great party, I'll have to tell that crazy Mick what a wonderful time I had next time I see him."

Not so fast there pal! The first thing you should realize is that calling an Irish person a "Mick" is pretty offensive. Just because a subset of people look and talk funny, are normally small in stature, and oftentimes have problems pleasing their women in bed due to their tendency to overindulge on alcohol and possibly a genetic predisposition towards small penis size, it doesn't give you the right to stereotype them with racial slurs! There might be a few Irish guys who would probably be pretty nice people, once you get to know them. But I suppose you don't care about that, do you? What a racist.