Pickup Lines: Worst of The Worst (Part 1)

PickupDo pickup lines really work? This is a question I ask myself each morning as I rise for a day of toil in the fields. The only real way to gauge whether or not a pickup line “works” is to actually speak it, preferably to a human being of the opposite sex who is also not in your extended family.

I realize that some of you may think it's a good idea to try pickup lines out on elderly uncles, emotionally damaged children, or a small painted box turtle. I can tell you from experience that these are not things you want to do, for various legal and ethical reasons. But I know you probably won't listen to me, so go ahead. After you’ve gotten out of prison, come back and continue reading for a roundup of the best (worst) pickup line articles I could find.



Site: The World’s Best Pick-up Lines

I found this page on a random keyword search, (I won't give links to pages because you'd probably just read their site instead). It seems to be an earnest and unsarcastic compilation of pickup line, so let's see what they've got.


"I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand"

M&MFirst of all, I don’t think I even know what this one means. Obviously it’s supposed to be some kind of sly innuendo, but apparently the author didn’t realize that innuendo is supposed to have 2 meanings, as opposed to having none at all. I can imagine that what they are referring to are two different ways a man can attain “relief”, and implying that mouth-based relief is preferable to hand-based. My advice to anybody who would even consider using this line is: Take what you can get.

It's also a play on the old (and I do mean old) M&Ms candy slogan: “Melts in your mouth, not in your hand”. This is problematic because not only is the original claim cheesy, it is also blatantly false: M&M candies DO in fact melt in your hand. Fairly easily in fact. Therefore this claim is libelous. Then there is the question of plurality: If we are to assume the slogan is referring to multiple pieces of candy, then the line should be: “Melt in your mouth, not in your hand”. You wouldn't say: "These M&Ms melts in my mouth". At least I hope you wouldn't anyway. Get your act together Mars Corporation.



"You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear"

Plastic Underwear OK, what? The plastic in my underwear? I don't know what that means. I don’t know how to respond to that. Who wears plastic underwear? Perhaps this pickup line is only intended for use by elderly, bediapered men. But are diapers even made of plastic? I guess I don't even care.

The only other explanation I can come up with is that this line is meant for men who have prosthetic genitals. If this is the case, I have an important warning for the plastic-genitaled among you: Do not to go around touting this as a selling point to women. And you might want to have a talk with your doctor about getting some rubber or silicone genitals. It's surprising what medical science has accomplished in recent years.


"Is your daddy a thief? Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say yes.]"

Thief

I feel the "author" of this line does the reader a great disservice by only covering what the reader should do if the girl says “yes.” This is obviously the least likely thing she's going to do.

It's far likelier she'll suffocate do death while attempting to choke back derisive laughter than say yes to this cornball line, so maybe they should've given the proper response to that instead. Although to be fair, I'm not entirely sure what that would be either.




"That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning."

Suncoast PicturesHere's proof that it’s possible to be overly-specific with your pickup lines. I think the line was originally something like “That outfit would look great...crumpled on my floor!” which isn’t even too hot in the first place. But the idiot who submitted this version of the line somehow managed to make it even worse. I say if you're going to try to punch it up by making it more detailed, at least go all the way with it:

Oh my, that outfit you’re wearing would certainly look great if it were in a crumpled heap on the floor of my bedroom which is on the top floor of my two story split-level townhome which is located conveniently off of Highway 12 and Birch Lake Drive but anyway I would sure like to see that previously referenced outfit of yours crumpled in a pile on my previously referenced floor when I wake up at 6:582 to 7:14 AM tomorrow morning Thursday July 17th when I get up for my job at Suncoast Motion Picture Company located in the Woodbury Mall which I am scheduled to work at Wednesday through Sunday 8AM-4PM and also in case you didn’t realize it the reason it would be crumpled up on the floor would be because you took it off when we had sex.


"Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns."

Jesus. This line is so old Eleanor Roosevelt probably rolled her eyes at it at some point. It doesn’t make sense anyway. Just because you work at a bakery it doesn't mean you get free bu- wait. You know what? Forget it. Here's a picture of Elanor Roosevelt:

Roos
Oh Andy!