Reader Mail: Ghosts, Fetishes, & Groin Tactics

Reader Mail Letters
It may surprise you to learn that most of the anonymous "electronic mails" I receive through this site's Contact Form are not hateful in nature. I think there are probably two reasons for this. The first is that hardly anyone actually reads what I have written. This is entirely understandable. The second is that those who dislike what I do would rather die than expend even one more metric unit of energy thinking about (or composing hatemail regarding) Whichever Garbage Article they were unfortunate enough to have just wasted several minutes of their precious life skimming. This, too, is entirely understandable.

But I will say that what my inbox lacks in hate-based mail, it more than makes up for in Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling mail. I sure do get a lot of that. Well, maybe slightly more than "a lot": Approximately 96% of the email I receive is inexplicable & vaguely troubling. And while it's possible that this is simply another, significantly less effectual form of hatemail (i.e. "I'm gonna teach this jackass a lesson by sending him an insane email!), I really don't think this is the case. Far more likely is these people are either elderly and confused, blasted out of their minds on designer narcotics, simply psychotic, or possibly even all three.

Either way, get a real kick out of responding to Inexplicable & Vaguely Troubling emails, so I guess everybody wins. Well, everyone except the people who decide to read this. But if they do that, they've really got no one but themselves to blame.

Some people never learn.


GHASTLY HARASSMENT

Heard my name being called 3 times awoke out of sleep . Got up to look out windows and doors no one there . Did not reconize the voice but, saw 2 shadows in the distance they disapeared. What does this mean?

- Jamie

Thanks for writing in, Jamie. Incidents like these are more common than you may think. They are usually caused by one of three things:

  1. The onset of schizophrenia
  2. A carbon monoxide leak in the home (See Here)
  3. Ingestion Of Psychedelics (Psilocybin, LSD, etc)

If it turns out to be one of the first two, I'm afraid there's very little you can do except learn to deal with the symptoms. Well, I guess technically you could do something about a carbon monoxide leak, but why bother? Carbon monoxide is a naturally occurring substance which comes from the earth, and as proponents of all-natural food and medicine will tell you: Natural = Harmless.

So breathe easy friend, and remember, if at any point the dizziness, nausea, and terrifying visions of chittering eldritch spacebeings threaten to overcome you, try filling your oral cavity with damp rags or unleavened bread. I'm not sure why that would help, but at this point, it really can't hurt to try.

As for the drugs, don't rule them out simply because you haven't taken them yourself. It is possible (probable even) that you have been dosed with one of these substances without your knowledge. In most instances, you will have been secretly jabbed with an umbrella (the tip of which has been coated with the psychotropic substance) in a crowded discoteque or bread line, but this is not always the case.

Alternatively, it may also be that your city's water supply has been spiked with psychotropics by your state or local government. Either way, the most important thing you can do right now is find out if you are in the thrall of one of these substances.

Tell me this: Upon rising from chair, are you able to maintain your footing, or do you immediately collapse into a thick, fleshy puddle upon hearing the screams and maniacal laughter of your ancestors while experiencing a full-body orgasm and an indescribably beautiful explosion of tastecolor before seeping through the seams in your linoleum floor?

If so: Neat.


THE FETISHIST

i get turned on when i see women use there bra cup as a pocket.  usually money --change purse-- walett--credit card--room  key  even one time i seen a woman put a camers in her bra cup and was wearing a tight fitting tank top.  the outline of her camera-  cell phone--and change purse was unmistakable. it didnt seem to bother her one bit as she rode the bus with us.i wonder how many women know this is a sexual turnon and are there other men that enjoy the same thing as myself. i also had a school teacher carry her wallet directly inside her bra cup.  again it didnt bither her one bit.

- Mitch

I should probably point out that I simply received this message out of thin air. Admittedly I did post Two Articles on fetishes, but at no point did I request that random strangers email me with hastily composed emails about their puzzling fetishes. That being said, I think this email is fantastic, and I am hereby officially requesting that random strangers send me hastily composed emails about their puzzling fetishes.

In fact, I'm so happy with this email, that I'm not even going to try to craft a smart-ass response to it. Honestly, there's really nothing I could add that would make it more entertaining than it already is.

So well done, you.


FREE GLOVE SAMPLES

Dear Sir,
We wish to inform you that we are manufacturing best quality Gloves We want to send you samples. Please as for samples. We need your permission only. Please allow us. Thanks

-Harod
 
Hey Harod, thanks very much for the offer. I would definitely appreciate a pallet or two of those gloves if you can spare them. Regardless of what type of glove they may be, I shall make use of them. Here is a short list of styles I am looking for (ranked most to least desirable):

  • 300 Pair Lambskin Driving Gloves (Women's Sized 8.5-10)
  • 160 Pair Chemical Resistant Nitrile Exam Gloves (Minimum .05 mm Thickness & 14 MPa Tensile Strength)
  • Twelve Low-End Oven Mitts
  • Sixteen Pair Medieval Gauntlets (Iron Or Steel, Preferably Of Spanish Make)
  • 80 Pair Fingerless Cloth "Homeless Guy" Gloves
  • 80 Pair Russian Cosmonaut Gloves (C. 1986)
  • 6-8 Sets Of Those Giant Foam Incredible Hulk Hands That When You Hit Them Together They Make Smashing Sounds
  • Four Pair Norwegian Eagle & Red Tail Falconry Gloves
  • 40 Pair Peccary Dress Gloves
  • A Single Yarn Mitten (Red)

 

BLUEBERRY MUSINGS

The blueberries in the blueberry yogurt taste like paper.

- John

Alright then.


GROIN TACTICS

Hi, like Your Guide About Fighting Dirty but have a couple of questions about the groin tactics (Groin Twisting/Ripping/Tearing).

  1. For twisting the testicles you mentioned 180 degrees counterclockwise, is the direction a factor? I read in some books where it is mentioned the testicle twist but no direction or the amount. Like to learn the tactics in detail and your info is great.
  2. As for twisting, you mentioned 360 degrees in any direction, in this case direction of rotation is not critical, Am I right? But I do not seem to be able to twist my wrist more than 320 degrees, so if one direction is more effective, please let me know. I need all the help I can get.
  3. One more thing, can the ripping technique rip the testicles off completely? [I] thought the organs can be stretched as they are connected by cords in the scrotum and not easily to tear off.
  4. One last question, about biting the penis, is there any part that is more sensitive, thereby more effective when it is flaccid and stimulated (erect, very effective in a rape attempt).
By learning and understanding the techniques in detail, they can be very effective indeed Great to know these tactics as it will be unexpected and thereby unprotected against and can be attacked by surprise.

I guess in a place of violence, we do need to learn to fight dirty as and when necessary. Having knowledge of these brutal techniques may be our only hope to survive a violent attack. I would say you are doing us a service and a big thank you.

Hope to hear from you soon and have a nice day.

Regards,
-Mickey

Here are the answers you have requested, my friend:

  1. Don't believe everything you read. Testicular twisting must ONLY BE PERFORMED IN A COUNTERCLOCKWISE FASHION. I cannot stress this enough. The reasons for this are trade secrets and cannot be revealed to outsiders such as yourself.

    You're certainly free to grab some guy's junk and haphazardly rotate it 180 degrees clockwise if you wish to do so, but I would strongly caution against it. Ignore this advice at your peril.

  2. Being unable to rotate your wrist more than 320 degrees is normal. Those who plan on performing a full 360 degree testicular rip should be prepared to perform a cartwheel or sideways roll in mid-rip to compensate for this.

  3. If properly performed, the ripping technique will almost certainly rip the testicles off an assailant. If it did not, there would be little point in undertaking it, as its sole purpose is to instill horror in fear in those who would oppose you.

    And yes, occasionally you will come across a pair which are attached to the body by a particularly thick and ropey bit of flesh. In cases like these, you will need to follow-up with an extra move to facilitate full detachment. Many of my students choose to gnaw through the remaining tissue with their teeth, while others simply "karate chop" at it until detachment is achieved. It's really up to the individual to find the method they're most comfortable with.

  4. The penis is an extraordinarily sensitive organ, so I really don't think location matters much when it comes to biting portions of it off in a gruesome act of self-defense.

    It's important not to overthink this. Just remember to open as wide as possible and get as much as you can in a single mouthful. Agonizing about orientation and positioning is a great way to get yourself killed.



Well, that's all the emails time we have for today. If you (or someone you know) has got any important/nonsensical questions "what needs answering", I encourage you to Contact Me. I am always happy to help those in need.


The names of all senders in the preceding emails have been changed in the name of privacy.

Godspeed.