Reviews

Amazon Oddity: 12000 Trichogramma Pretiosum Eggs

I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that this box of organically protected Trichogramma parasite larvae is a must buy for those whose plans for world domination hinge on the cultivation and subsequent release of thousands of tiny Hymenopteran insects.

Amazon Oddity: All That The Rain Promises And More...

Amazon Oddities - All That The Rain Promises & More

The old "don't judge a book by its cover" adage has never made much sense to me. You can tell a lot about a book like this one by looking at the cover. I mean, any idiot could see that it's a field guide for picking wild mushrooms which was written by an impishly deranged trombone enthusiast named David who enjoys feigning the thievery of large quantities of fungi while wearing a cheap 80s tuxedo.

Engrish Movie Reviews: Year 2010 Summers Blockbust

This summer, patron must gird throbbing loins with the fun which the large expensive film can bring. Which is to say: Loving will induce a fun. Respect the joyful picnic. The summer movie proposes this: Escape your trouble! Escape the career which you is miserable! Escape the nagger cruelty of a wife whom pulverizes your joy! In the paid theaters, your environment is controlled in compliance with pleasant temperature. Appearing on the screen is a coitus grudge which improves the virility of men who view it.

From here we list the films: Iron Man 2, Macgruber, and Crown Prince of Persia. Speak these, becoming satiated. Acclamation inserted!

5 Ridiculous & Overly Specific Simulator Games

Looking through PC game new release lists lately, I'm puzzled by the apparent abundance of what I like to call "Monotonous Task Simulators". These games take the idea of Flight Simulator or Train Simulator (which, if you ask me, already push the boundaries of dullness) and develop similar games in which you perform jobs or activities which were not inherently interesting in the first place. So imagine a Carpet Sample Choosing Simulator, or an Ethnic Grocery Store Vandalism Simulator, or a or Being Forced To Reiterate The Point You Made Only Moments Before Because Nobody Was Listening Simulator.

OK, so obviously those aren't real games (yet), but with deathly serious titles like Fork-Lift Truck Simulator and Garbage Disposal Simulator being released frequently, it's not too far-fetched to assume that some day someone might develop a "Fail In Your Attempt to Make a Cat's Cradle To Impress a Rodeo Clown" Simulator. As insane as the idea might seem, I'm sure there'd be an audience for it somewhere.

But hey, here's a short list of five of the dullest/weirdest simulator games available today.

Review: 6 Overrated Films From The IMDB Top 250

6 Overrated Films From The IMDB Top 250 - Star Trek

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm this guy who runs his own website. This makes my opinion only slightly more valuable than some random guy in a baseball cap who signed up for IMDB and gave The Truman Show 10 stars. Only slightly more valuable, but more valuable nonetheless.

So you just know that when I decide to review of a number of fairly old films which I believe to be wrongfully beloved, people are going to listen. And by "people", I mean "not very many people at all and possibly nobody". And by "are going to listen", I mean "are going to skim the intro and maybe the first paragraph and before clicking over to an article written by somebody with actual talent".

In any case, here is a short list of movies I don't really like that somehow made it on the IMDB Top 250, causing me to become slightly exasperated.

Christian Game Review: Splinter Cell Conviction

Hello fellow Christians, and welcome to yet another edition of Christian Game Reviews: The hottest place to find godly reviews of all your favorite animated games! This time around I'm taking a look at Splinter Cell: Conviction, a fighting action game for the Xbox, Playstation, and Nintendo Wii, and Gameboy videogame systems. As is typical for an obscenely violent game full of sex with minors, homosexuality, and gambling, Splinter Cell: The Conviction has been garnering rave reviews from the secular press.

But while this may be good enough cause for John Q. Parent to run right out and purchase this game for Little Billy, those who live by the law of The Lord would do well to think twice before plunking down their hard-earned Christian dollars on this little jaunt through Sodom and Gomorrah.

Review: Amazon Oddities

You might not be aware of this, but AMAZON sells some truly weird shit. Unfortunately, finding these products is not as easy as it could be. It works like this: Items which are deemed worthy of the "Amazon Oddities" label can be tagged by customers as an "Amazon Oddity" and will then be shown HERE, for your theoretical amusement. This would be fine, except there's nothing stopping hundreds of random unfunny idiots from tagging any product they think is "cute" or "hilarious" as an Amazon Oddity. So unless you feel like sifting through 100+ pages of sex toys (tee-hee!), cheesy gag gifts, and children's books with the word "poop" in the title, you probably won't have much use for the list.

But luckily for you, I've decided to do my part for society and review five of the most useful Amazon Oddities: The Gambler's Mustache, A Large Boulder, 4500 Live Ladybugs, The Pig acupuncture Model, and The Home Gastric Bypass Kit. I know it's not much, but it's the least I can do to help.

Review: Clash of the Titans 3D

By The Sentient Portrait of an Early 19th Century Gentleman

Upon the morning's first light, I vacated my diggings and pointed my velocipede towards the local theater, my intentions being to view the latest moving picture: Clash of the Titans. Upon my arrival I was put into a fine pucker upon discovering that a gape-mouthed boodle of border ruffians had seen fit to congregate at the entrance. My first inciliation was to absquatulate then and there, but as it had been a coon's-age since I had attended a performance of this sort, I soon acquiesced.

I planked down the funds required (far from a pittance, I assure you!) and made my way into the theater at full chisel, more than a bit wrathy at the shine-cuttings of the soaplocks who filled the lobby.

Christian Game Review: Bayonetta

Hi there fellow Christians. My name is Lucas Bell, and I'm a professional video game reviewer and professional video game lover. I began writing game reviews in 1988, when I noticed the godlessness that pervaded most popular videogames at the time. These games contained dinosaurs, rock and roll, and kissing. Sorry game developers but the only kissing I'll be doing is with the lord, through prayer, so count me out!

Since I knew there was no chance of games being created for true Christians (Christians are now a minority!) I decided to begin reviewing games from a Christian perspective so that others would easily avoid those which contain demonics, disrespect of the elderly, or sex with children (as most games nowaday do!)

Today I'll be taking a look at Bayonetta, a game which is about as far from God's holy love as one can get without being in hell itself. Please be warned that this review is not suitable for children.

Monster Cables Rule!

REVIEWS

As a fully certified and 100% accredited A/V equipment Artificer, I've always known deep in my heart that Monster Cables were an amazing value. What I didn't realize is HOW amazing. I've conducted a good deal of research on home theatering during the many years that I've spent serving my country as a technical videosystem and speaker wire installer, but I had never looked into Monster Cables in-depth. That is, until a year ago when I happened to come across Monster's premier DVI cable with 24 Karat Gold Contact Connectors at a local Best Buy. Needless to say, I was more than a little impressed! Gold is normally quite expensive, but this cable was being sold for under $100! I purchased three of them without hesitation.

I arrived home, hooked one up to my monitor, and turned it on. Upon seeing what was on the screen, I nearly soiled myself with glee. Not only was the image crystal clear, but my monitor was displaying more colors than ever, colors I didn't even know existed! And not only that, but my games and videos ran faster than ever. It was glorious. Ever since that day, I haven't allowed anything BUT Monster Cables in my home. It was the best decision I ever made, and in the following article I hope to share with you my reasons for this.