Sainted / Tainted 5: Stolen Icecream & The YMCA

Sainted

More real stories from the highway patrol. (Note: This article may not (and most certainly does not) contain even a single reference to the highway patrol or anything like that (except for in this first part)). Thanks!

Tainted

UPS StoreThe guy with the blonde hair who cuts the lawn of the UPS facility downtown. I know you took my ice cream sandwich. I work the front desk there, and I recently bought the strawberry ice cream sandwich from the vending machine and left it on my desk while I went to use the bathroom. When I came back, the sandwich was gone, and you were just outside the door doing some edging. I don’t have any proof that you stole the sandwich, but nobody else was around and I think I saw you licking your lips a little bit. Who steals an ice cream sandwich anyway? As far as I am concerned you owe me a dollar twenty-five. Those things aren’t cheap.
- Angry UPS Employee

Sainted

YMCAThose nice men down at the YMCA. We gone to that YMCA many times to use the ce-ment pond and also to advantage the free showers as we do not have a shower in our home. Last time I brung my boy Jessup with me. Now that boy aint right in the head. Sometimes he gets to a-hollerin and a carryin on like there aint no tomorrow, and there aint much I can do to stop him. His momma is long passed (god rest her soul). She was the only’n that could put a stop to those spells uh his. Anywise, those two men that work lifeguardin the pool were mighty kind and helped put the boy down whilst I could fit the dropper in his mouth so’s I could adminster his tincture. For that I am much obliged.
 - Martin Agustus Buel



Sainted

Erotic CakeThe bakers at Malcom’s Erotic Cakery Bakery. I recently ordered a cake from you guys for my 10-year-old daughter’s birthday party. Honestly, I had no idea you guys dealt in adult cakes. I am nearsighted and did not have my glasses with me, so I misread the sign as Malcom’s Exotic Cakery Bakery.

 In the end it didn’t matter though. The kids all just figured the cake was a pink submarine going through some seeweed. It was actually quite delicious as well. I will certainly purchase an erotic cake from you again.
 - Marion the Mother


Tainted

Diner Floor6The chef of the Park Diner over in Mitchum. When I commented on the lack of cleanliness of your establishment, you got offended and claimed to keep your kitchen floor so clean that someone could eat off it.

Well sir, you may be interested to know that after you went home for the night I DID in fact go into the kitchen and eat some soggy French fries and what I believed to be pieces of uncooked chicken breast from on the floor. Now my doctor says I have Hepatitis C. What do you have to say for yourself now?
 - Sick in Wilson County


Sainted

Drug Dealer6The dealer on the corner of 81st and Brookburn who sold me that marijuana laced with PCP. I know I only asked for the straight stuff, but after what I experienced I’m sure not going to complain. There was an old door I had been trying (unsuccessfully) to remove from its rusty hinges for a few days now, and after I smoked that dope I was able to just punch it off.

Also I usually run a mile a day every day of the week, but I was able to run 7 miles in a very short period after smoking that stuff. I’m glad I won’t have to run at all the rest of this week. I had never considered smoking PCP before, but after last night, I’m definitely looking to get wet again. It was one hell of a trip.
- Guy Who is Now Hooked