Sainted / Tainted 7: Children & Drunks

Crazy Kid Children are wonderful gifts. We should all be so lucky as to have a one sometime. But those of us who hate children or are asexual will never experience childjoy unless we somehow manage to accidentally knock somebody up or reproduce spontaneously, which is a little sad. So on a barely-related note, today’s Sainted/Tainted features only complaints/kudos from a child's perspective. Read it if you want to, but I'm not going to try and force it on you.


White PuppyMy mommy and daddy who made my doggy ginger better. What happend is: my doggy ginger always likes to play with me in my room. She likes to look out the window up there (my room is on floor two). Then on that day I said to ginger hey now Ginger you always look out their, maybe you want to go out their. So then I opened the window and she run out and fell down there on the back porch.

I look down and she didnt even move and I think I could see jelly or somethin coming out of her head. Mommy was in the garden and she screameing oh my god jenny what have you done and took ginger away in the car. Ginger looked floppy when she picked her up too. daddy said she was fixing her. Then the next day mommy brought her back. She is another color now (white) and she bites but I am glad to have my good dog back. thanks mommy and daddy.
-Jenny Watson


Old LadyThe old lady who’s purse me and my brother Steve found in the street. We rode our bikes all the way to your house to give the purse back to you, and all you kept saying was “what lovely boys you are” over and over. "Yeah, yeah, we know lady, but how about that reward?" we were thinking.

Then you reached in your pocket and pulled out...a Werthers hard candy? WERTHERS? What the hell! Do you seriously think two kids are gonna ride all the way across town for some damn Werthers? I HATE THAT CRAP CANDY! I knew we should’ve taken that money.
-Rory Calhoun


Ticket boothElliot’s dad. We put on a show of Oliver Twist at Jefferson Elementary yesterday. I was at the door handing out tickets when suddenly a strange man came in. He was walking funny and came up and leaned on the table and said to me, “Hey there bubbo got any pretzels” in a really strange voice. His breath smelled really bad and weird, he kept looking like he was about to fall over.

Then Elliot came out, and I figured out it was Elliot’s dad. Elliot was really nervous and kept saying “come on dad, let’s just go home.” But his dad wouldn’t listen and kept saying something about pretzels and how he wanted to see Olivia Twist. Elliot grabbed his arm and tried to pull him out the door, but his dad swung his arm and threw Elliot into the table, where he hit his head. One of mother’s screamed. The police eventually came and took them both away. It was a strange night.
-Tony Gibbons


Old Man RiverThe old man who salts the street outside our house. At first I thought you were mean, but you’ve actually turned out to be a really good guy. I remember the first time my brothers told me you put bodies in your salt bucket and they turned into mummies. I have to admit, that freaked me out a little bit. But what really freaked me out was seeing you in the store when I was asking about that toothbrush. I was actually so afraid I shoplifted by accident. Whoops.

Anyway, thanks for committing assault on those robbers by caving their heads in with that shovel. I hope you get back together with your daughter when you get out of prison. It is Christmas after all.
-Kevin McAllister