STORIES
Sasquatch Faces Rejection in Husset Park
Sasquatch
is out for an afternoon stroll in Husset Park. He stops at the foot of
a grassy hill to admire a group of wild sunflowers. Suddenly a foam
kickball rolls over the hill, coming to a stop at his feet. He picks it
up, studying it for a moment, then he turns and begins to walk towards
the gazebo."Hey what gives!" comes a voice from behind him.
Sasquatch turns to see scruffy boy in a woman's dress and a battered silk top hat standing at the top of the hill, his hands on his hips. He studies the boy with large, soft eyes, tilting his head to one side and huffing softly.
"That's our ball," the boy says, haphazardly cartwheeling down the hill and coming to a stop at Sasquatch's feet, "Hand it over."
Sasquatch looks down at the ball, and then hugs it to his chest. The boy furrows his brow and glances over his shoulder. From over the hill comes the sound of children shouting, along with something that sounds like the high pitched squeal of a pig. The boy begins creeping towards Sasquatch, wringing his hands. Sasquatch squints his eyes and bares his gums, hugging the ball even closer.
Sasquatch Faces Rejection at The Pine City Post Office
Sasquatch stands inside the lobby of the Pine City Post Office with a confused look on his face."Can I help you with something?" Says the woman behind the counter without lifting her eyes from her book.
Sasquatch walks up to the counter and gently sets down a small white scrap of paper in front of her. He crosses his arms and waits. The clerk sighs, sets down her book, and picks the scrap. She turns it over in her hands, squinting and scrunching up her nose. The words "TOO MOM" are penciled on the front in large block lettering. A small stick figure of a what appears to be sasquatch with long hair has been scrawled hastily underneath.
"Hmm." The clerk frowns, "Hmm."
Sasquatch Faces Rejection at The Tennis Court
Two
girls are playing tennis in the tennis court at foot of some mountains.
In the middle of the match, one of the girls looks up and sees
Sasquatch standing at the edge of the court with a tennis racket
clutched in his paw. "Hey Terri look," she says, pointing, "a
sasquatch." Terri stops in mid-serve and turns towards him."And just what do you think you're doing here?" She places her hands on her hips.
Sasquatch snorts, swatting at the air with his Shiny New Racket and looking hopeful. Terri shakes her head.
"Sasquatches aren't allowed on this court." She says, pointing to a large white sign which displays the silhouette of a hulking figure inside a crossed-out red circle. "Now you had better get out of here or else we'll call the game warden, right Jenna?"
"Right." says Jenna, squinting into the setting sun.
Doomchair: Chair of Doom
As
I explained in a PREVIOUS ARTICLE, an office supply store contacted me
recently asking if I would agree to post a shill review of a "FREE
CHAIR" they would send me. I declined the offer on moral grounds, and
by moral grounds I mean I didn't feel like writing a stupid article
about a boring chair.But then I got to thinking: What if I do write that article after all...but instead of writing it about one of their chairs, I'll write it about a different chair. Yeah! That'll be great! Then not only will I NOT receive a free chair, but I'll also still have to waste an hour and a half writing a pointless and uninteresting chair-related article which nobody would possibly have any interest in reading anyway.
Here I go.
Walker: Texas Ranger - Spec Script
FADE-IN CONSTRUCTION SITE - WIDE SHOT - DAYWalker's truck is shown entering GLEN COVE CONSTRUCTION site. Three CONSTRUCTION TOUGHS mill around out front, kicking at dirt and leaning against various objects. WALKER exits his DUSTY AMERICAN TRUCK and approaches them.
WALKER: I'm a Texas
Ranger, do any of you boys know where I can find the front office?
...And Crackling Skies of Contumacious Flame
George Lucas In The Bathroom
“As far as I know,” I said, “You aren’t a handicap.”
“This is justice.” He said, pushing the car door open with his knee. “Why should a cripple get a free ride? Let him put on a stained white work shirt. Let him push despair into the pit of his belly and smile at the customers. I say put down the crutch and pick up a shovel; There’s work to be done.”
Frosty The Snowman: Epitaph
December 02, 1952 A.D. –
I am born once again. I do not know the how or the why; I know only
that I live. I gaze about with wonder. I could not have
imagined the incredible changes which have swept across the face of
this world in the many centuries I have slept. Great stone towers belch
clouds of black smoke into the skies. Strange boxes of moving light and
glass speak and display images. Terrible mechanical beasts roam the
streets, roaring and howling. I am filled with awe and fear. What has become of this world I had known? George Lucas & The Wedding
“Maybe we shouldn’t.” I said, "Anyway it doesn't seem right. How many churches do you know that keep a fully stocked bar? How many, I ask you?"
The Magic Youth
The Magic Youth has a terrifying history. It was first
translated in the early 16th century by Chinese philosopher Ling Ping.
One day Ping was playing paper dragons in his back yard with his
grandfather when he stubbed his toe on a stone slab which stuck out
from the grass. He unearthed this slab, and upon it he found The Magic
Youth carved. This myth was said to have been lost centuries ago when
Ling Ping died and had the slab buried with him. Fortunately, someone
has recently desecrated Ping’s tomb and braved the curse of Ping so
that I might bring you this amazing legend, which I believe is still
shockingly relevant, even today. Remember that this myth will be
phrased and formatted oddly and seem to use words incorrectly because
it has been carefully translated from an extremely ancient Chinese text.What Next?
