Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 6: The Cold

ColdI know a lot about surviving in the cold, alright? I live somewhere called the Midwestern United States, ever you heard of it? Yeah, that's what I thought. Here's how the seasons work here (and why I know so much about the cold):

Winter (11 Months): It's true.  

Spring (15 Days) Temperatures rise to sightly above freezing. Snow turns to cold rain.

Summer (38 seconds) The sun comes out for 38 seconds.

Fall (15 Days) You sit in a darkened room clutching a revolver in your lap while cold wind howls outside the window. “One way out…” you whisper, “one way out…” You close your eyes. The gun feels heavy and cool in your hand. And the sound of the wind grows louder still.

Three Dangers

Cold weather is a silent killer. It is a well-known fact that there are plenty of ways the cold can make you dead. Here are the most common deaths and how to protect against them.


Frostbite is a silent killer.

  • Listen Up Everyone: "Stay inside. If you don’t go out there you won’t get frostbitten. “Hey look, a carnival!” Someone shouts. No! I said don't go ou— *SLAM* Dammit! Alright boys. Supposed we’d better go after him.
    Frozen Jack
  • “Let’s go on these rides!” No. That is definitely not a good idea. You aren’t even wearing a shirt! Seriously Steve, this is not smart. Come back into the house with us.

  • “No! Leave me alone I want to go on rides!” Alright, suit yourself. You’ll see.

  • Hours Pass. "Oh god. Oh "god my f-f-f-ingers. Can’t feel em. Chalkw-w-white and c-c-c-crunchy. *CRACK* AAAAGGGGHHHH! RRRRRGGGGHHH! Th-th-think I broke one ohgod I’m really s-s-s-scared g-g-g-g-guys. Ohgodohgodohgod I c-c-can’t stop shivering. So…cold….maybe…just lie down…here for a minu.."

  • Uh oh. He passed out. I told him! Didn’t I tell him!? Quickly now, pick him up. We had better get to a hospital.


Wolves are a silent killer.
Wolf Wolf!
  • It's true, they are! Well, except for all that growling.

  • Other than that, Wolves are pretty silent,

  • Take heed: Or it is likely that you will be killed by a wolf.


Unconsciousness is a silent killer.

  • If you do not tend to any of the previous conditions in this series, the lights go out. If a person or loved one collapses unconscious into a snowbank while you are around, don’t panic: You must keep them alive at all costs.

  • Out ColdWrap them in a blanket or washcloth. It's the right thing to do.

  • Lick the frost off their face. Tastes good right?

  • Massage every extremity to ensure proper bloodflow. Do the hands. Now the feet. Hey, you aren’t done yet! I said every extremity. Now take their pants off.

  • Make him drink water! Yeah! Pour it down his throat!

  • Now move his mouth so it looks like he’s talking! Haha, that’s great.

Mental Health

Most important of all in cold-weather survival is your state of mind. A person who is sad or angry or jealous will not survive long out on the ice. Artic winds can sense afflictions of the heart. A weak-minded individual will be sliced to ribbons in mere moments. Here is how to keep morale boosted in the direst of circumstances.

Don't Despair!

Dancing MadYou have to keep everyone's spirits up! Play a game, dance a jig, or even sing a happy song. Singing is a great way to have fun (and have fun doing it!). Dancing releases chemicals which have been proven to create emotions. I don't know what ones, but hey, you might as well give it a shot right?

On a related note: You might also notice that when some small children play out in the snow they make sound effects or hum a tune to themselves. This is likely due to an undiagnosed case of severe Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder. What these children need is a good smack.

Consume the Frozen Corpse of a Compatriot Who Has Succumbed

Everyone is in better spirits when they’ve got a full stomach (except maybe a bulimic). Thaw out your friend and carve him up. Don't be shy. It isn't cannibalism unless someone finds out.

Hey...Do You Guys Hear That?

PlanesWhat is that sound? So familiar…does anyone else hear it? Llisten. It sounds like…like…like an engine! Everyone it’s an engine! From a plane! A PLANE! There it is! We’re saved! Come on, jump around; wave your arms!


NO WAIT! Waiiiiiitt! Waittt. Noooooooo. No no no no no no nononononoono come back come back. Come back! No….I…it’s gone.

Alright. Now You Can Go Ahead And Despair.

OHHH GOD. OOOH NOOOOOO. PLEASE NOOO. What?! What do you want me to say? I admit it, you were right, there's no hope OK?! Is that what you need to hear?! ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU, I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!... grrrpg. ... Listen. Listen, I'm sorry ok. I didn't mean it. Seriously. Come here. Come over here. Give me a hug. A hug. There we go. Now doesn't that feel better? Don't go to your icy grave angry, that's what I always say. Mmmm...Just in time too, the world is growing dark...

The Gun

Feels heavy and cool in your hand. A feeling of power. A feeling of freedom. Visions flicker through your mind. Gently falling snow. Small children laughing in a clean white valley. A newborn fawn coughing in the chill night air. A small body in the snow. Its dark secret enshrouded within an ivory tomb. A winter storm warning sounds. An amber beacon piercing the night sky.

Looking out, you see that it has begun to snow. The gun feels heavy and cool in your hand. It weighs you down. Tethers you to this arctic earth.

In the quiet of the dark room, a shot rings out. And outside the snow continues to fall, softly.

Snow Death

(Previous Survival Guides Available HERE)