VARIETY

It's Funny You Should Ask What The Most Popular News Stories Were On The 10th Anniversary Of 9/11. It Just So Happens That I Have That Information.

Fake Tourist Most Popular Stories On September 11th 2011

On Sunday, September 11th 2011, I went through took some screen captures of the "Most Popular Stories" sections of various news websites (CNN, Fox News, Time, ABC News, The Huffington Post, MTV News, The Guardian, E! Online, The BBC) because I thought it'd be interesting to see what sorts of things people were reading.

But don't worry, this isn't political commentary or a somber, teary-eyed tribute to the victims of 9/11. Lucky for you, I have very little respect for arbitrary days of remembrance. It seems awfully silly to be "extra sad" on a particular iteration of a holiday simply because happens to be divisible by a nice round number. Also, it bugs me how successful most news outlets are at using milestones like these to squeeze a bunch of extra advertising dollars out of the public. I guess the point I'm trying to make is: People be gullible, yo.

Anyway, to summarize: I took some screenshots from a bunch of news sites on 9/11/2011 and if you suspect you might be interested in what other people were ostensibly interested in on this particular date, you might want to take a quick look.

You will find them listed below, in no particular order. Godspeed. (And just to clarify: These are not fake, nor have I edited them in any way)

DECEITFUL MUFFINS

VARIETY

Deceptive Eggo Mini Muffin Tops Blueberry

It is truly outrageous to me that you would call yourselves muffin tops. You are "Reasonably thick blueberry pancakes", and nothing more.

If there's one thing I won't abide, it's prepackaged novelty breakfast foods misrepresenting themselves.

Now get out.

The Alphabet Of Swearing

Recently I performed a search on the internet for "The Alphabet Of Swearing", as I wished (for whatever idiotic reason) to find a list of curse words beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Shockingly enough, aside from a couple of somewhat carelessly assembled "Yahoo Answers" replies and an article or two from blogs even shoddier than this one, I came up completely emptyhanded.

"How was this possible?" I said to myself, "Surely someone out must have taken the time to compile a true list of swear words for every letter of the alphabet." But alas, this was not the case. I quickly realized that if I wanted such a list to exist, I would have to create it for myself.

So I did, and here it is.

More Snapple Cap Safety Tips For Kids

In these troubled modern times, the life of a child is filled with innumerable dangers. Just take a look at these astonishing figures: Each day in America, 640 children are abducted by people who are believed to be minorities. In addition, a full four thousand are molested by men thought to possess pencil-thin mustaches, while 16 are mischievously tipped out of their wheelchairs by disgruntled female social workers.

These numbers serve as a constant reminder of the inherent evil of humanity. But luckily, Snapple brand flavored drink beverages are here to help. With the help of Families Against Violence and the American Lung Association, Snapple has utilized their patented "Snapple Facts" content delivery service to teach children about safety.

In the interest of public safety, I've reprinted 14 of the most useful facts from this campaign here for you to enjoy.

Might As Well Post These Stupid Customer Complaints I Found

One of my favorite things in the world is reading customer complaints on the internet that appear to have been posted by people who cannot read or write. So here are 10 of the best recent complaints I could find on complaintsboard, an unmoderated, racially-charged, libel choked clusterfuck masquerading "consumer advocacy" website.

Fair warning: As most of these complaints were posted by idiots, many of them contain sexual content, hilarious racism, or multiple instances of misspelled foul language.

I Hereby Grant You Permission To Chase Waterfalls

Heed not the warnings of early 90s R&B groups. Waterfalls were placed on this earth by Our Lord God for one reason and one reason only: So that they may be chased.

I realize that many of you may have a strong inclination towards "sticking to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to" but what you likely fail to realize is that puttering around in large, stationary pools of liquid, or immersing yourself in freshwater as it runs towards an ocean can in no way match the physical and emotional fulfillment one can achieve from chasing a waterfall. Not even close.

So if you'd allow me, I'd like to go ahead and refute some of the most common arguments against the pursuance of water which happens to be flowing down a steep grade due to the effects of gravity along with a rapid drop in elevation.

I Invite You To Waste Your Money On These Laughably Overpriced Appliances

VARIETY

I Invite You To Waste Your Money On These Overpriced Appliances

In this chaotic, advertorial, multibranded world of ours, it can be difficult to know precisely how much value one is actually getting for one's money. The best solution to this problem is to carefully research your purchases beforehand, but this can take time and effort, and it's not half as much fun or easy as just buying whatever seems the neatest.

The other alternative is to rely on worthless folk wisdom such as "you get what you pay for". But of course, whenever any reasonably wealthy person follows "you get what you pay for" to its logical conclusion they end up driving some piece of crap Lincoln with heated seats that don't work, paying 4 dollars extra for "organic" corn chips, or buying an eight thousand dollar pair of Bose speakers because they cost a lot and thus "must have been really good."

So here's some of the overpriced crap rich people often like to waste their money on.

Don't Even.

VARIETY

I'm really sick from a virus or methadone withdrawl right now and I can't post anything.

So here's a photograph I once found of a 1970s postman.

You had better watch your step.

5-Hour Energy Drink: Bile-Flavored Scam or Miraculous Nectar of The Gods?

Call me skeptical, but the first time I saw 5-Hour Energy Drink, I immediately dismissed it as a scam. I mean, all the telltale signs were present: 1. The price was relatively high. 2. The words "Energy Supplement" were present on the bottle. 3. The label appeared to have been designed by a semiliterate child and printed on a cheap laser printer in some meth addict's basement. 4. It was sitting on the counter at a filthy gas station next to a container of laser pointer keychains and Playboy bunny lighters. So I think you can forgive me for concluding that the whole thing wasn't on the up-and-up.

But in the interest of semi-science (internet science?) I decided to buy a few bottles of 5-Hour Energy Drink, do some research on the ingredients, and perform a few test-drinks to see what effect this shining example of Ostensibly Shady Energy Drink Marketing would have on my hypercynical, overly suspicious mind. The results of my experiment are contained in the following article, which is guaranteed to thrill, educate, and excite (provided your standards are low enough).

Word on The Street: Bucket Lists

Due to the outstanding success of my recently published article on bucket lists, I decided to "take it to the streets" and accost complete strangers, jabbing a starter pistol in their ribs and insisting that they create their own top 10 lists of "Things to Do Before You Die".

Not surprisingly, many of them complied, coming up with some thought-provoking and insightful responses that really made me stop and consider what it means to be human in this crazy mixed-up world of ours. Unfortunately I was only able to get in three interviews before I was shot in the chest and upper thigh by some hero cop who decided I was breaking some obscure law, but I think you'll find that the lists I was able to compile were well worth my arrest and subsequent arraignment on felony assault and use of facsimile firearm charges.