VARIETY
Amazing Actors: Samuel L. Jackson & John Travolta
Some people respect doctors, but I think acting is the noblest career a man can have. Can you think of another job where you make people’s lives better and are also respected for it? Of course you can’t. This series is dedicated to the best of the best in the acting field. These are the greatest performers of our generation, they make us laugh and cry and fall in love (with them). Be sure to have a tissue handy too, because some of the movie memories I unearth are real tearjerkers. A real man isn't afraid to cry.
Sainted / Tainted 1: Busrides & Watery Graves
Helping a stranger in need will bring no reward, and thoughtlessness breaks no law. How can one publicly shame those who wrong them while simultaneously commending anonymous do-gooders? By writing to the Sainted/Tainted portion of the local newspaper, that's how! Here are a few selected entries we've compiled from the most prestigious papers around the globe.
Anger Advice
A Chat With The Almighty
By Kevin
I recently had a very interesting conversation with God (igod, the artificial intelligence website god that is).
Folk Weddin' Wisdom
Here is a quick horrible little article I wrote off the top of my head in about 40 seconds. It’s about some old-timey sayings that mentally unstable people might use as guides for what to do about weddings. I also put my responses to them. It’s sort of like a rap battle, except that it isn’t even remotely like one at all.
Suicide & San Francisco
By
Jones
When I heard you were planning to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, I got sort of annoyed. See, I read somewhere that so far 1,300 people have already killed themselves this way. Would it kill you to try something original for once in your life? I mean, so it’s a popular place to commit suicide, big deal. If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you? Heh, heh, just a little joke there. Of course you would. Seriously though, do you really want to follow all the other lemmings straight off into the abyss of played-out suicide methods. In any event, I wondered about the mindset and personality of you jumpers, so I did some research and came up with this chart:
When I heard you were planning to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, I got sort of annoyed. See, I read somewhere that so far 1,300 people have already killed themselves this way. Would it kill you to try something original for once in your life? I mean, so it’s a popular place to commit suicide, big deal. If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you? Heh, heh, just a little joke there. Of course you would. Seriously though, do you really want to follow all the other lemmings straight off into the abyss of played-out suicide methods. In any event, I wondered about the mindset and personality of you jumpers, so I did some research and came up with this chart:
Pirates & Ninjas & Rangers: A Severe Lecture
A message from the author:Hello sir or madam. If you're currently reading this, you've either been directed here from our self-help hotline, or have been given the link by a friend.
Please do yourself a favor and read this article. It may not be funny, well-written, coherent, or even seem to have a point, but I can assure you that reading it is the best decision you can make at this time in your life.
You need help, and I can give it to you. All I ask is that you trust me, and read on.
Junk Food Mascots: A Dissertation
I guess some corporations think it's good business to use “food
mascots” to sell their products to children. Is this type of
marketing really effective? I’m not sure, but what I do know is
that I find most food mascots to be distressing.
For example: Why exactly did a room full of advertising executives decide androgynous Cuckoo bird who screams at children would be the most effective way to sell Coco Puffs? God knows. Frankly it worries me that most (if not all) of the characters these companies create are mentally disturbed in some way. Here are some other advertising creatures who should probably be institutionalized.
For example: Why exactly did a room full of advertising executives decide androgynous Cuckoo bird who screams at children would be the most effective way to sell Coco Puffs? God knows. Frankly it worries me that most (if not all) of the characters these companies create are mentally disturbed in some way. Here are some other advertising creatures who should probably be institutionalized.
Wedding Tips For Grooms
Weddings. Who needs them? Nobody does, but I think people like to have them. I figured I would do the world a favor and look up some rules and regulations for the game of marriage. I found an article on the internet called 20 Top Tips for Grooms Who Want To Get it Right. It is located HERE. (link will probably be dead soon enough, but it doesn't matter) These are sure to be 20 hot tips. Even though I am neither a groom nor a person who wishes to get it right, I am sure that I will enjoy these tips. Let’s go through some of them now:
Presidential Fun Facts
The Ministry of Information
The US Presidents: A group of manipulative and delusional humans who lead the United States of America during the dark period before the Ministry was created. But how many citizens truly know anything pertinent about these men?
The answer: None. It has been reported that when asked about which historical US president was most interesting to them during a nonvoluntary information extraction session, seven out of every ten Americans responded by emptying their bowels, lolling back their battered heads, and crying out in agony. So in an effort to educate our citizens about some of the leaders of what was once the United States of America, the MoI has compiled this official list of presidential facts for your consumption.
What Next?
